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It seems that now no one properly knows what an “adult” is and when a person becomes one. There are many among us who would dream of living life without taking it seriously.
“How and when did I become an adult? I don’t have the slightest idea! Although I consider myself neither a child nor an infantile, writes the philosopher André Comte-Sponville. But this transition happened very gradually and imperceptibly. It was not an event, but a process, work, a long recovery. I never felt that childhood is a happy time. To become an adult was to finally choose happiness as opposed to childhood.
Perhaps we want to part with childhood. But are we ready to be adults? Which of us (no matter how old we are) is not sometimes seized by the fear of not coping, not being able to stand up for ourselves, the desire to hide under the covers? Aren’t adults turning into an endangered species, into a club that fewer people want to join? Is this surprising in our time, when seriousness and maturity are not highly valued?
The boundaries of life
Adulthood is, of course, a fact of personal biography, an inner feeling that can come at any moment. Public opinion tends to suggest that we become adults between 16 and 24 years old.
“In general, for the majority of our fellow citizens, the adult state lasts from 16 to 60 years old,” explains sociologist Alexei Levinson. “These boundaries roughly coincide with obtaining a matriculation certificate at the beginning and a pension certificate (for women) at the end.” True, 29% of young people aged 18 to 26 do not consider themselves adults, and in the next age group (26–35 years) there are also quite a few of them – 10%1.
But there is another perception, less tied to the passport age. “Now youth has significantly supplanted adulthood, and until the age of 20 teenagers are considered children,” notes social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan. – Before our eyes actively, I would even say aggressively, due to adulthood, youth is lengthening. Many predict the gradual disappearance of this concept in general: adults do not age, children do not grow up.
Advertising relentlessly appeals to young people, and it has come to the point where young people have become the main reference group. Creative advertising people living in the artificial world that Frédéric Beigbeder described in the best-selling book 99 Francs and Victor Pelevin in Generation P find it hard to get used to the idea that purchasing power is now shifting more and more to older people. age.
One of the three states of our “I”
Parent, Adult, Child – Transactional Analysis states that these three are present in each of us. Here is what the creator of this direction of psychotherapy, Eric Berne, says:
“The adult state of the “I” is essentially nothing but a computing machine. This is the rational and logical part of the personality, occupied mainly with data processing, like a large electronic brain; feelings and emotions thus have nothing to do with the Adult.
We see the Adult when a scientist presents his findings to a group of colleagues, or when a housewife checks her bank account. The adult is the one who works. The mental process required for a carpenter to hammer in a nail is an Adult’s responsibility.
But when he misses and bruises his finger, the Adult gives way to another state of “I”. It is not always, however, best to be in the adult state of “I”; at parties it is in most cases painful.
Landmark confusion
Are we able to give a precise definition of an adult? Until we grow up, he appears to us as a kind of “man in a case” – a reasonable, but boring character who embodies rules, restrictions, prohibitions.
So thinks, for example, Pippi Longstocking from the children’s book Astrid Lindgren: “Adults are never really fun. And what are they doing: boring work or mods, and they only talk about calluses and income taxes … And they also spoil their mood because of all sorts of stupid things … “
Or does being an adult have its own joys, its own harmony? “An adult is one who does not need parents,” said the Hindu mystic Osho. – An adult is one who does not need to cling to anyone and rely on anyone. An adult is someone who is happy alone with himself.
And here is the definition of André Comte-Sponville: “Growing up means being faithful to childhood and at the same time giving up the desire to remain forever in childhood.”
This rejection is not easy for many of us. Before our eyes, the generally accepted boundaries between teenagers and “young adults” who continue to listen to the same music, wear the same jeans and sneakers are disappearing … Children increasingly cannot afford to leave their parents’ home due to high housing costs or, having left, soon return to their native nest.
And many adults, meanwhile, continue to receive financial assistance from their parents: after all, they study longer and start working later. And why rush when, according to many, life is just beginning at 40?
Take reality into account
A century ago, the child had no recognized status. Apprentices of about eight or ten years of age were in many ways adult. After all, the only way to express yourself was to enter the circle of adults, and as early as possible. Now everything is practically the opposite: the young are considered a privileged social group.
The status of an adult is either devalued or, conversely, becomes unattainable. The road of adult life passes through the acceptance of a reality (far from our wishes) and leads to the horizon, beyond which is death. And many would prefer to avoid entering this path for as long as possible. After all, giving up dreams, carelessness and simple joys of childhood is not a very attractive program.
We feel like we’ve matured when an important event happens.
When does this transition, which we usually become aware of after the fact, take place? It seems to be later and later, after thirty, and sometimes closer to fifty. However, it all depends on the circumstances.
“I began to consider myself an adult very early, from the age of seven, and I have long ceased to be one,” admits neuropsychologist Boris Tsiryulnik. He lost his relatives (and he himself was miraculously saved) in 1942. Much later, when he got married and became a father, he “understood that life is a huge game and in this mortal world there is nothing more important than playing.”
The onset of adulthood is an event in a personal history that everyone has their own. Often we feel that we have matured when an important event happens – the birth of a child or the death of a loved one. Contrary to popular belief, women are more willing than men to accept their adult status.
The ideal adult is the one who has finally managed to know and accept himself.
“When I first saw my boy in the cradle, I told myself that I would never again be able to relax even for a minute without first making sure that he had everything he needed,” recalls 36-year-old Olga. The baby is waiting for the world to fulfill his every desire, so the adult knows: he will have to give his child his attention, time, money, and even his life …
Sometimes, however, the feeling of maturity is deceptive. “Over the years, I realized that I considered myself an adult much earlier than I learned adult behavior,” says journalist and founder of Psychologies Jean-Louis Servan-Schreiber. – If in relation to childhood I do not feel any nostalgia, it is because then I was dependent, and today I love my independence and freedom of action too much.
I felt that I was reaching maturity when I stopped being afraid of my shortcomings, other people’s opinions, stopped being afraid to tell the truth, afraid of the traps of life, and death too. And I learned that the ideal adult is the one who has finally managed to know and accept himself. And this guarantees us that we will never become adults to the end … “
Is it ideal?
It is sometimes thought that the goal of psychoanalysis is to make adults who are not yet fully grown up, because Freud wanted to free us from the painful captivity of childhood. The writer Oscar Wilde said it beautifully: “Little children love their parents, then they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. The teenager is the one who judges; the adult is the one who forgives.”
This does not mean that we should or can be adults all the time. A solid, “solid” adult exists only in the child’s imagination. This illusion now passes in children earlier and earlier, as well as the desire to grow up. Face to face with life, we quickly realize that it is equally impossible to refuse to be an adult, nor to become one completely.
Being an adult means being able to shed armor
And this is only for the better. Isn’t it personal development to know yourself for real, to be able to combine responsibility and carelessness, seriousness and play, openness to others and the necessary distance?
“Ahead of an adult from personal perspectives is only old age or non-existence,” says André Comte-Sponville. “But that doesn’t bother him too much. He has something much more urgent. More important. There is something present that goes on and on. There is a reality that remains.”
After all, being an adult also means being able to shed armor, open up, be real. And this is not easy not only for each of us, but also for our society, says film director Pavel Lungin: “I have not matured yet and I hope to remain a child until the end of my life. But our society is maturing.
For the previous 10 years, it was a child, and we built relations with the authorities on the principle: “Dad, punish me, I’m bad! Dad, praise, give me candy! Now we are teenagers. The main questions for a teenager are: “Dad, do you respect me?! Why do you lie to me?!” But there is no program – what kind of program can a teenager have? Now we need to move on – to adulthood.
1 Poll of the Public Opinion Foundation, 2010, fom.ru