Why is it so hard to talk about what makes you happy? Sexuality is a language that women have difficulty speaking. How to discuss sex with someone we love? Answers sexologist Catherine Blanc.
Psychologies: Sexuality for women is no longer a taboo. Why is it so difficult for them to talk about what gives pleasure, it is difficult to be the first to talk about the fact that something is going wrong?
Catherine Blanc: Until quite recently, a woman who thought about sex seemed like a whore. She was meant to be first and foremost a mother, fully focused on the body of another — her child. But if a woman does not talk about sexuality, this does not mean that sexuality does not drive her.
Today, women, when discussing sex with a partner, rarely talk about themselves. They are more willing to find out what is wrong with him, what is wrong with their relationship. They test men for strength, and they eventually get lost in this endless exchange of remarks and try to avoid discussions. Women continue to ask, try to understand in order to meet their partner and save the relationship. Their ability to adapt is enormous. And this obviously puts them in a maternal position.
The value that women place on communication, coupled with their maternal attitude, how does this translate into their desire?
Interferes with the development of sexuality. Because of the maternal role they take on, but also because questioning is another way they penetrate a partner. Penetrating into the male brain in this way is very exciting. Look, peek, ask “why?”, “How?”, “Tell me your secrets” — all this excites them …
But they are standing in front of a wall. After all, a man remains a stranger even to himself, he does not know his feelings, and it is difficult for him to open to a woman that side of his life to which he himself does not have access. Ultimately, partners seek to penetrate each other’s intimate sphere.
Women try to penetrate the thoughts of men, and men try to penetrate the genitals of women. And this creates problems for both, because men, for cultural reasons, do not have access to their emotions, and women do not have access to their sexuality.
It turns out that the inability to talk about “it” blocks pleasure in women?
Yes it is. Although it is sexuality that gives access to relationships with a partner, and subsequently to motherhood. But despite this, it is still difficult for them to demonstrate their attitude towards sex, it is difficult to talk about it. But to find the right words means to discover images for yourself. Are women ready for this? I’m not sure.
Many prefer to tell themselves that it’s all happening «down there» without really knowing what it’s all about. This ignorance allows them not to feel full responsibility; they enjoy, but they don’t know too well how. This removes guilt from them, separates them from desire, which is sometimes difficult to accept, because it can be stormy, sophisticated, insatiable …
Adult women return to love-fusion, they believe that «our couple is a single and indivisible being»
Often during a consultation, when I describe to patients their genitals (“there are labia, a vulva …”) or answer questions, I see that women are suffocating, trying to change the subject, going to the toilet …
They themselves choose words that describe reality in a very abstract way.
Does talking about sex mean taking an active sexual position?
And women just avoid it. They rarely talk about what they like. They dare not ask. So wonderful, they think, when he does something, although they themselves do not tell him about their desires. “If I say this, how can I understand: he only fulfills my request or subtly feels me?” patients tell me.
This waiting position is very infantile. It is similar to the earliest stage of life, when we were babies and mothers fed us, and we did not even have to ask them. It is this ideal love that women seek, a love that does not need to be expressed in words, a love that «does not need to be spoken to understand each other.»
Adult women return to love-fusion, they believe that «our couple is a single and indivisible being.» Of course, men also have such a desire, but they have more chances to realize their desires. This is immature love, because we are not ready for the fact that they can say “no” to us, and we feel guilty if we dare to ask.
By daring to ask, are we destroying desire? Are there ways of expressing oneself that «de-erotize» relationships?
No, I don’t think it’s possible to destroy desire in this way. Women find it difficult to talk about sex (or they do it «unsuccessfully») because they often think that they need to copy their speech from a man’s, and say things that turn them on. It looks like a parody and is completely devoid of eroticism.
They think that you need to be in charge, but in sexuality there is an exchange of power: if a man penetrates us, it is because we decided to accept him. Each has power over the other. Therefore, in sexual intercourse, we can safely accept our power and our desire.
When desire fades, can words revive it?
Oh sure. Unless you play family psychologist, do not pester your partner with questions. Instead of saying, “We have a problem. You need to do something” — and become in a commanding position, you should talk about your feelings, do not be shy to say: “This is what I feel now”, “This is what I liked. I would like this or that.» That is, allow yourself to do what you want now, without fear of the partner’s reaction.
We need to loosen up the language. There are no right or wrong words. Just words shouldn’t be a mask
What do women seek to achieve with words? Do they want to be encouraged so that they can fully surrender?
In relationships, they seek stability and quality. If they expressed their desire, and the partner condemned him, they run the risk of withdrawing, generally stop talking about their feelings. When, for example, a woman says that she loves morning caresses, and her partner replies in an insulting manner: “Oh, you know, we are not very clean when we wake up,” she will feel dirty and is unlikely to talk about it again. .
In the same way, if a partner mechanically touches her every morning in response to this request, she will think that he is doing this only to please her, and will no longer talk about his desires. Moreover, words are not only descriptions. It’s also sounds. Desire is awakened by unexpected events, such as when we suddenly say words we never thought we could say.
Pleasure appears when these words are followed by a physical and verbal reaction, when the partner picks up the topic. And vice versa, if he does not answer, we find ourselves alone, face to face with our responsibility.
How to speak to release pleasure?
We need to loosen up the language. There are no right or wrong words. Just words should not be a mask. They must be consistent with our personality, because in sexual pleasure we go towards a partner in order to regain ourselves. Orgasm comes at the moment when our «I», having met with the «I» of the partner, turns to himself.