“To enjoy intimacy, you need to love yourself”

Psychologies: Many of us today draw our ideas about sexuality from the media, men’s and women’s magazines. Is this information correct in your opinion?

Inna Khamitova: Performing a certain educational function (for which, by the way, many thanks to them), glossy magazines spread the idea of ​​the existence of a certain standard of sexuality, sexually attractive behavior, appearance. Reading about this, we fall into the trap of other people’s images and fantasies, we begin to be critical of our feelings and needs, not trusting them.

But sexuality is an individual, subtle matter: what excites one person can slow down or even frighten another. In addition, articles in the series “33 Ways to Seduce Any Man” or “How to Become Super Sexy in a Week” are usually based on the experience of the writer, and not at all on scientific research data.

How long can she wear it? And will she ever be able to answer the question of what nevertheless brought success: her personal qualities or magazine wisdom? By the way, these reflections are unlikely to add self-confidence to a woman, because every person wants to be accepted as he is.

Can men also become prisoners of such schemes?

Of course: magazines and other media persistently offer readers a certain standard of a sexually attractive woman: say, “gentlemen prefer blondes” with ideal measurements – 90-60-90. However, the image that really attracts a man is formed in early childhood in the image and likeness of relatives of the opposite sex who surrounded the child.

The likelihood that they corresponded to the currently advertised samples is small. As a result, the man is trapped: he is unconsciously attracted to a woman who does not at all look like a blonde from the cover, but he believes that he should be drawn to another “object”.

However, material well-being, as a rule, is created through long and hard work. As a result, what will a man give preference to when he finally gets home after a 12-hour working day: deep sleep or sexual exploits? The answer is obvious, and with it another inconsistency arises: the man did everything that was required, but did not receive a “prize” for this.

Statistics say that only 20% of women painfully endure the absence of an orgasm. Sex is, of course, wonderful, but it’s still worth listening to your feelings: if, after a hard day at work and household chores, the most intimate desire of two people is to fall asleep, embracing, it’s better to do so.

What happens if a partner follows the stereotype of “you must make love and bring your wife to orgasm”? Firstly, it will be a kind of violence, and secondly, a woman, in order not to disappoint her man and quickly end this both unnecessary occupation, will most likely begin to imitate an orgasm. I don’t think it will bring partners together.

It is believed that women reach the peak of sexuality after 35 years: at this age they have already separated from their parental home, achieved professional success, many have children …

To enjoy, you need to love yourself, and many Russian women can only love themselves for some achievement. Which is not surprising: perhaps, in childhood, parents praised them only for good grades, help around the house …

As a result, a woman develops the opinion that she herself is not worthy of love, but she can deserve it by becoming a “good girl”. As a rule, this state is reached by the age of 30-35, when many women have reasons for pride: career, family, children …

Those whose parents showed unconditional love for their daughter and for each other are more likely to reveal themselves in sexuality. Most likely, such a girl will grow up self-confident, which will help her in her sexual life.

Why do women make love in the first place: to get pleasure, to satisfy a physiological need, to feel the power of their charm?

Goals can be very different, but first of all – to get pleasure, to feel the closeness of a partner. The level below is the physiological need: to get a discharge, relieve emotional stress. Then neurotic motives follow, for example: to confirm the strength of one’s influence on men, to be convinced of one’s own attractiveness. Or maybe hide from yourself, distract from the internal conflict, fill the emotional void.

How much has the attitude of modern women towards sex changed?

In the days of our grandmothers, the prevailing opinion was that a “decent” woman should not feel anything in bed. If, in sexual relations, the lady behaved actively or simply allowed herself to be aroused, this was considered a sign of promiscuity.

Then the research data of the largest American sexologist Alfred Kinsey and American gynecologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson were published. However, is it possible to say that our mothers and grandmothers were more unhappy than us?

The women knew nothing about the clitoris or the G-spot, but how emotionally charged their relationship was: he took her hand – and she fainted! Emotional, romantic components in relationships, in my opinion, have become much less.

Now everything is more technical: having some tools, people get everything they want, and if they don’t get it, they change partners.

What kind of word “sex” – male or female?

If we are talking about the process itself, about what is called “making love”, then this is something that is necessary for both. I would not formulate the question in this way: for whom sex is more important. It seems to me that these arguments are akin to disputes about who is more human – a man or a woman.