“To divorce or not?”: why women do not dare to break up relationships

Divorces and history

It is difficult to comprehend, but in our country divorce became possible not so long ago. Until the beginning of the XNUMXth century, it was possible to obtain consent to divorce only with the consent of the church and only for a good reason: prison, proven treason, mental illness.

With the advent of the USSR, divorces became massive, but were condemned by society. A divorced woman acquired the shameful status of a “divorced woman” and prepared to live out her life, being useless to anyone. Meanwhile, a divorced man was worth its weight in gold.

Just 100 years of “freedom” against millennia of divorceless marriages is nothing. All these years, it was laid in the consciousness of a woman that divorce is a social death. What is the result? It is already difficult for us to live through this stage, and the attitudes that live inside do not give a chance to reduce the degree of pain.

“Does not drink, does not beat, does not walk”: if you want to leave a good husband

Things get more complicated when a woman has no “legal” reason to leave. It’s one thing to divorce a tyrant or an alcoholic and see sympathy in other people’s eyes, but it’s quite another thing to marry a man who, according to the parameters of society, is considered an exemplary husband.

In this case, it is especially difficult to make a decision, because others do not see any significant evidence that the woman is right. The lamentations of relatives begin: “You will never find someone like him”, “Don’t go crazy” …

Practice shows: if the husband is at least a thousand times good, if the wife has the thought of parting, she will only grow stronger. And the persuasion of relatives does not play a role. A woman will unconsciously strive to prove to herself that this is the right decision. After all, the fact that people are good in themselves does not mean that they should be together.

“I feel very bad, but I love him”: abusive relationships:

If a woman does not feel calm in marriage, does not experience positive emotions next to her partner and is regularly subjected to psychological or even physical violence, then why does she need such a husband? So the house turns into a psychological concentration camp, and the closest person exhausts and hurts more than anyone else.

But it is precisely such relationships that are most difficult to break, since a strong emotional connection, adrenaline addiction, is established. Events always go according to the same scenario: calmness – increasing tension – an act of violence – reconciliation (reward). And further in a circle.

It is difficult for a woman to get out of this circle, and she is ready to endure anything for the sake of reward. In addition, she becomes dependent on her husband’s approval, so breaking up with him seems like a catastrophe to her. Such relationships are more about illness than about love. And if we decide to get out of them, then it is better to do it with the support of a psychotherapist.

Cheating as a reason for divorce

Change divides our life into “before” and “after”. It happens that she is the logical result of a relationship in which the couple decided to hush up problems, ignore each other’s feelings and live as neighbors. This does not mean that there is an excuse for treason – there is none. But sometimes our psyche chooses just such a scenario.

It is important not to get divorced because of infidelity just because your acquaintances or acquaintances of acquaintances did so. Each couple has its own boundaries, and you need to make such a decision if yours are violated. But do not chop off the shoulder, succumbing to emotions. Let yourself cool down so you can act rationally.

Yes, cheating always puts an end to the relationship that was between husband and wife before. But in some cases, it also gives a chance to build qualitatively new relationships.

Children and divorce

The most difficult decision to divorce is given to women with children. Of course, children suffer during a divorce, but not at all from the fact that one of the parents will live separately. They suffer from the fact that mom and dad behave fundamentally wrong and destroy their trust.

It is impossible to save a family for the sake of children, because children do not need it. The worst memories of patients in therapy are memories of how the parents had a bad time together. The saddest phrase said by grown children, for the sake of which the family was preserved, is “it would be better if they divorced.”

Remember that it is impossible to deprive a child of a father – this is a myth and at the same time the most paralyzing fear for a woman. The father will remain so forever, because the child is his biological continuation. But how he will build relationships when you begin to live separately is his area of ​​​​responsibility. Your responsibility is not to interfere with this communication and not to turn the child against the father.

Practice for those who are thinking about divorce

Take paper and a pen and answer honestly the questions from the table:

Think about what you wrote. Which development option scares you more?

Divorce worries are very draining. This is because it takes a lot of energy to implement this idea. Most importantly, remember that you are the only expert in your life. Only you can take responsibility for your decision, whatever it may be.