Contents
Some of us believe that offense is the best defense. Even when no one threatens us. Where does this militancy come from? Let’s try to figure it out in order to move on to a more peaceful style of communication.
“If they contradict me, I can bark and growl,” admits 28-year-old Leonid, an actor, not without pride. “Usually I try to immediately put myself in such a way that everyone understands: it’s better not to unbalance me.” Raising your voice to intimidate others, to show them your power, is a common thing for home and office despots. It is also an archaic reflex: a defensive reaction in response to a threat. At the same time, our experts argue that there are many different ways to protect: cunning, coaxing, or inertia work well. However, Leonid chooses to attack. Why?
I am a victim of my ideas. “Our behavior depends on the messages we receive from the outside world and the experiences that have come our way,” explains social psychologist Dominique Picard. – Based on them, we develop a system of values based on certain beliefs: “I am vulnerable, but this cannot be shown”, “All people are evil”, “There are always winners and losers…”. We take our emotionally colored idea of reality for reality itself. And this “perceptual bias” keeps us going in circles, the psychologist warns: we always become convinced of what we fear. Leonid expects an attack in advance, so he is distrustful and shows aggression. Seeing this, his opponent defends himself and resists, and Leonid interprets this reaction of his as the very attack that he had been waiting for from the very beginning. And thus receives confirmation that he is right, not trusting people.
Read more:
- How do adults “grow up”? 8 stages of development
I suppress my emotions. However, an attack is a rejection not only of the external world and another person, but also of oneself and one’s inner world: “This is an impulsive discharge that allows us not to face difficult experiences for us, such as sadness or our own vulnerability,” says psychoanalyst Saverio. Tomasella (Saverio Tomasella). Confusion, embarrassment, fear? No, anger and rage are better! “They protect us from feelings of anonymity or powerlessness,” the psychoanalyst continues, “and allow us to regain the illusion of control.” We replace tears with screaming, but in doing so we distort our emotions, move away from ourselves and pass by our reality.
I avoid danger. So, attack becomes the best way to protect … But from what? “From fear,” says the psychoanalyst. “We are afraid that we will be devalued, rejected, humiliated … And underneath this lies an even more archaic fear: anxiety about death, the unconscious horror of disappearance.” Today’s events are reopening the unhealed wounds of the past: perhaps in childhood we experienced the feeling that our parents abandoned us, did not protect us, did not take care of us. Or maybe someone had an overbearing sister or a cruel brother? We were in danger, we suffered, and in the end we decided: we will never let this happen again! The psychoanalyst explains: “Depending on temperament and social environment, we choose a defensive position, a survival strategy that we polish over time.” And some of us have learned the art of war to survive.
Read more:
- Assertiveness vs aggressiveness: how to succeed at work, while remaining human
My experience
Lydia, 40 years old, doctor
“A year ago, I took Anya, my daughter, for a consultation with a child psychologist. She was four years old, but she behaved like a capricious three-year-old, did not agree with anything … After the first meetings, the psychologist noticed: “But you yourself also say “no” to everything. Both of you are trying to prove that you exist!” I ran out of the office, slamming the door. But then I thought. I really often defend myself, argue with colleagues, prove that I am a good doctor, pounce on someone who doubts my innocence. I need to sort things out, I thought, and started going to therapy myself. I am learning to communicate and live without attacking others.”
What to do?
Wait before turning aggressive
Watch yourself. When you feel the urge to lash out, stop to ask yourself: Are you really in danger? Did you understand his words correctly? Return to the “here and now”, close your eyes, breathe slowly and deeply, turn your attention to something external, such as the color of the table in the room or the temperature of the air. Separating yourself from your anxiety means adding confidence and objectivity to yourself.
Change strategy
There are different ways to respond to an attack. Try other behaviors: don’t say anything, bring a little humor into the situation, or even … burst into tears. Say to yourself: “I usually do this, but now I will try something else!” Think of it like a role play and you will open your way to other experiences in the relationship.
Decide on trust
No one is obliged to stick to one position all his life. If your position doesn’t make you happy, then it doesn’t suit you. Why not ask a professional for help? Sometimes we have to confide in another person, and we notice that it is safe. Life itself also gradually changes our view of the world. Love or friendship can be healing.