Comments on articles often become a place of interesting discussions. Alexandra writes:
It seems to me that it is not necessary to make children without emotional robots, children can express their dissatisfaction. If the child whimpers and knocks with his feet when you take him away from the playground, in such a situation you should not pay attention to this and do not prohibit his emotions. It’s better to say: “I see that you are unhappy that we left the playground, that you don’t want to leave, but want to play with the children, only mom needs to cook dinner, thank you for listening to me, thank you for leading yourself right.»
I answer: “Alexandra, you puzzled me: why should I allow my child to express dissatisfaction? Why would I teach him such a bad habit? If my child wants to discuss something with me, I am always happy, but for him to twist his face in a displeased grimace and unhappily lower his shoulders — what is the purpose for this?
Answer:
Well, maybe at least so that the child knows that he has the right to express his emotions. And do not hide them somewhere deep, because mom and, especially His Majesty, dad, do not like it. After all, love, care, affection, joy are also emotions. And is it useful to constantly restrain emotions. Or in life it is impossible to show negative emotions, but only positive ones? Of course, no one is talking about indulging every squeak and dissatisfaction of the child, but it is not right to forbid expressing one’s emotions, even if negative ones. And to do or not to do something, just because daddy doesn’t like it. I had such a dad, I was even afraid to cough loudly at home. Believe me, I’m already 33, I’m still struggling with complexes.
I don’t want people to be so confused, so let’s get it straight.
First: talk about the dangers of suppressing negative emotions is nothing more than a myth. The notion that holding back one’s negative emotions is wrong and harmful is supported predominantly within Gestalt therapy, but scientific research suggests otherwise. If you do not wind up emotions inside yourself, then restraint in behavior and expression of your feelings is not at all harmful — neither for physical nor for mental health. See →
There is no evidence that nurturing restraint and respect for parents in children turns them into neurotics, but it is highly likely that children who are not used to restraining their dissatisfaction with their elders will grow up to be psychopaths. If the child is very angry and does not know what to do with his feelings, he can go to his room and stomp them with his feet — as long as he is a child, this is normal. I want to cry out of resentment — it’s also normal, just do it in another room so as not to disturb others. And then come to dad and mom, we will hug you and discuss everything.
Expressing negative emotions is not as harmless as it seems. According to experimental data, it is in childhood that the foundation of habitual emotions is laid, and if in childhood a child has learned to build displeased muzzles, get angry and offended, then in adulthood it will be more difficult for him to cope with his own negativity, even if he sets himself such a task.
Emotions are hormones inside and expressive facial movements on the outside, but few people know that hormones and the behavior they produce have a two-way relationship: the hormone oxytocin pushes people into intimate relationships, but it is also triggered by expressions of tenderness and warm hugs. Serotonin increases a person’s mood and self-confidence, a person straightens his shoulders, and if a stooped person begins to straighten his shoulders, this increases the level of serotonin in the blood. Norepinephrine triggers rage, but in order to infuriate themselves before the attack (increase their level of norepinephrine), the fighters begin to yell, hit the shield with swords and shout insults at the enemy.
You can continue: when a child, expressing his displeasure, builds dissatisfied muzzles and shouts discontentedly at his mother, he is not freed from negativity, but, on the contrary, charges himself with negativity. Remember this!
Teach your child from childhood to respect people and the ability to manage their emotions. Wean your children to yell, be offended and make unhappy faces. Think more often: what kind of adult is my child when he behaves like this? Will my daughter with such a crybaby on her face become smart and beautiful? Displeasedly sobbing or drooping unfortunate shoulders son — will he become a real man?
A real officer of the Russian army has always been one of the best parties for a girl. To be the wife of a general means to be married to a worthy man who can be relied upon in all respects. Officer dynasties are the pride of Russia. Where did such worthy men come from? How were they brought up? You know: the upbringing of an officer is a strict upbringing, where posture, facial expression, and intonation of voice are regulated. “Rise up! Peace-but! — commanding voice, military bearing.
Bring your son to the pupils of the Suvorov School or graduates of the cadet corps and tell him that his grievances, frustrations and conversations “I want or don’t want” are, of course, normal, because emotions cannot be suppressed, otherwise there will definitely be complexes. If you don’t get laughed in your face, it’s only because educated people don’t do that.
Read how children were brought up in the imperial family. More precisely — in all the imperial families of Europe. Take an interest in what education is today at Eton and other elite British schools, where leaders and presidents are trained from boys.
If your son in childhood, with your help, gets used to walking sour and unhappy, by the age of 30 you will get not quite an adult and not quite a man, prone to resentment and hypochondria.
Childhood lays the foundation for the rest of your life. Don’t build laxity and irresponsibility in childhood if you want to give your children a strong and vibrant life.