We are taught from childhood to follow the rules. To think and care for others – especially those close to you. Push your desires and needs into the background. Many of us, even as adults, find it difficult to say “no” – even if what we are asked is contrary to our interests. How to change it?
Of course, this doesn’t happen to everyone. Anyone who does not see a problem in refusing someone will hardly understand what it is like to dare to say “no”, fearing that you will be rejected, offended, turned away; afraid to let others down, to deceive other people’s expectations, to be “bad” in the eyes of others.
But why can’t we, adults and fully accomplished people, “just say no”? The answer, as always, is worth looking for in childhood, in a family where we did not feel loved “just like that”, of course, simply because we are who we are. In a family where the love of parents and other significant adults had to be earned – by deeds, good behavior, high marks.
This happened because our parents were too strict and demanding. Or – unstable, unpredictable in their reactions and behavior, and we had to constantly guess what this or that action of ours would lead to, and sensitively monitor mood changes in adults. In a word, there can be many reasons, but the fact remains: with age, this “does not go away”. Our self-esteem is still tied to what others say and think about us, and we still find it hard to say no to them.
The price we pay by never saying no
It would seem that our reliability should serve us well – people are drawn to us, counting on us. In fact, it negatively affects:
1. Our relationship
If others understand that you are trying to please everyone, in everything and always please, be sure: there are probably those who actively use this next to you. Perhaps you don’t notice it. And, perhaps, you understand that you are being manipulated, but, afraid to fight back openly, you begin to behave passive-aggressively.
Is it necessary to say that such behavior does not lead to anything good and affects relations with the entire environment?
2. Our mental health
Suppressing your feelings, desires and needs inevitably leads to stress, as well as the development of anxiety and even depression. Serving others, you forget about your interests, which means you are marking time and not getting closer to your dream.
3. Awareness of who we are
Endlessly fulfilling other people’s requests and “pushing ourselves into the background”, we can sooner or later forget about what we ourselves want, what we strive for, what we love and what we don’t. We cease to understand what our body wants at this particular moment, we lose touch with ourselves, with our identity.
And the saddest thing is that even when we are alone, we feel uncomfortable, uncomfortable, not knowing what we really want to do. And it can take a long time to “get back to yourself”.
At the start, attention, “no”!
Suppose you have realized the problem and would like to change everything – stop automatically agreeing to do what you do not want to do, act to please others and to the detriment of yourself, satisfy other people’s requests, even if everything inside is against it. What should be your first step?
To begin with, try to start tracking your automatic reactions – all those cases when you agree to something without hesitation, and then regret it. Think back to recent situations and try to understand why it was so difficult for you to say no. You won’t be able to change “yes” to “no” overnight, so for starters, learn to at least slow down and not rush to answer. Take a pause to think – at least a few seconds, or better – minutes or even hours.
Taking a break, try to understand what you really want and what is best for you. Will your “yes” turn against you? Will you have to take on extra obligations, although you are already overloaded?
Finally, remember: it’s okay to say no – including helping someone. You don’t have to apologize or feel guilty about it. In addition, to help out a friend in need, to support in a difficult life situation is one thing, but to be the one who is constantly exploited, counting on his reliability, is quite another.
Who do you want to be?