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It is not uncommon: we want to say one thing, we express (with voice, words, body) another, and the interlocutor hears and remembers something third or fourth in general. Is it possible to overcome this discrepancy? And how to make sure that the duty “we need to talk” bears fruit?
In recent years, so many books have been published describing communication techniques that it is time for all of us to become experts in communication. In any case, in theory, we know that in order to be heard, we do not need to shout (a sign of weakness), cross our arms over our chest (a sign of closeness), abuse “you-statements” and especially value judgments. And yet, attempts to reach out to the interlocutor are not always successful. When we use “effective techniques”, we lack sincerity. Without it, communication is impossible. Experts clarify: if we want to be understood, we cannot do without personal involvement in communication.
Structure communication
“On average, we receive about 3000 informational messages during the day, but we perceive only 10% of them. How do you get your message into those 10%? – says coach Nina Zvereva, author of the books “Rules for communicating with children” and “I say – they listen to me.” – Before talking, think: what do you want to say, what is your goal? Why would anyone else listen to it? Be short and to the point. Today, no one has time for lengthy conversations, but two minutes is enough to discuss, agree on or consult about something that is thought out in advance. However, do not be afraid of pauses, they help to find the exact wording. And remember that criticism makes the interlocutor want to defend himself.
Psychotherapist Alexander Orlov suggests avoiding not only negative, but also positive assessments: “By approving the actions of another, you arrogate to yourself the right to make value judgments. For constructive communication, “I-messages” are more effective, in which you describe your thoughts and feelings in the first person. Concentrate on what you are experiencing at the moment of the conversation. This is facilitated by the rejection of generalizations (“always”, “every time”) in favor of clarifications (“now”, “at the moment”).
Put a vote
“The faster the speech, the more piercing the voice sounds, the more it irritates the listener,” explains Valeria Ustinova, stage speech teacher, image consultant. “A low voice and neutral intonation make the interlocutor feel comfortable and set up more dialogue.” When we lie, the voice often becomes higher pitched. And fear changes intonation: the voice falls treacherously at the end of each phrase. Does everyone need to work on their voice like an actor or a politician?
To be heard, it would be nice to first figure out for ourselves what we want from the conversation
“There is no need to play a role or hide experiences,” the expert believes. Our job is to express what we want. In order for the words and voice to match each other, it makes sense to practice with a voice recorder. For example, write down three or four sentences. Then say the same phrases, tightly closing your mouth with your hand and overcoming this resistance. Do a second take with no load. The sound will become more voluminous and close. Record and analyze telephone conversations, and you will find, when listening, what are the causes of communication problems. You will get used to distinguishing nuances in your own sound by ear and will be able to reorganize in the course of a conversation.
Understand your emotion
Stormy emotions often fail in a conversation. But the solution is not to suppress or ignore them. “Emotions help to understand the needs,” explains the psychologist, a specialist in the field of couples therapy, Peter Dmitrievsky. “Angry means we don’t get what we want or it’s taken away from us. Sadness, bitterness indicate that we are parting with something valuable and do not hope to keep it. Fear indicates threat. It happens that one emotion hides another under itself: for example, guilt or shame can be hidden behind anger.
In order to be heard, it would be good to first figure out for ourselves what we want from the conversation: consolation, a change in behavior, tenderness, or something else. “The less you understand what’s going on with you, the less likely the conversation will lead to something constructive.”
However, it happens that the other simply does not want to hear us. The reason may be a fear of change or a lack of empathy. In this case, the open manifestation of conscious feelings sometimes helps to get through. “Our attempt to conduct a dialogue in a calm tone will mean for him that the subject of discussion is not very important to us. And an outburst of real feelings (even despair or anger) can make you think about what happened and push for dialogue.”
Choose the right moment
This is perhaps the main condition for communication, Nina Zvereva insists. If the son is in a hurry to go to the movies, and the husband is tired after work, postpone the conversation. A daughter who is going on a date should be approached only with words of support (“You look wonderful!”), But not with a remark about the scattered things. Refuse to communicate if you feel anger, disappointment, pain. (“I can’t talk to you right now, come on in an hour.”)
And, of course, do not start a conversation five minutes before leaving for work. Doubt the mood of the other – ask directly if now is a convenient time. “The children and I agree on important conversations twice: we specify the hour of the call and the duration of communication, because we value each other’s time and plans,” the expert says. But sometimes there is no right moment – in the case of a painful conflict, the refusal of another person to hear us. And then you have to look for other ways: turn to a mediator, discuss the situation with a specialist, or write everything that we wanted to say and let go.”
Listen to the interlocutor
The desire to be heard implies the ability to hear another. The technique of active listening is well known today. “This means being attentive to the interlocutor – to his words, but also to pauses, gestures, look and to his emotional state in general,” comments Alexander Orlov. – Ask and clarify, using his wording (“Did I understand correctly that …”), confirm with nods or remarks that you hear him.”
Be patient, let the other person say whatever they think. To hear another means to accept him as he is, with contradictions, insincerity or denial. Accept its otherness, because everyone interprets reality in their own way. To listen is to agree to be misunderstood yourself and to be ready to put aside your own message in favor of another. To do this, you need to give up the desire to control the conversation and lead it in the direction you need. You have to recognize someone else’s opinion, although it is not at all necessary to agree with it. Such a deep, confidential conversation is not an easy task.
By focusing on posture and facial expressions, we fall out of contact.
“Ease and understanding of all the benefits of active listening come only with practice,” sums up Alexander Orlov. – Such a conversation is associated with much greater energy costs than the usual superficial conversation. Therefore, do not try to tighten it. Half an hour of such communication is enough to get started.”
Relax your body
Deciphering body language is all the rage right now. But in a situation where it is important for us to be understood and (or) to delve into the words of an opponent, this is not the time to think about the correct position of the hands. “By focusing on posture and facial expressions, we fall out of contact,” explains clinical psychologist and body therapist Yulia Reshetnikova. – Trying to control movements, we lose spontaneity, and the other notices it. He reads the discrepancy between a confident posture and an internal nervous state and feels distrust, even rejection. So it’s better to be alive and natural.”
If you are worried, just say: “I am worried! It’s hard for me to speak”. Communication is often complicated by the negative experience of the past, the body remembers the ridicule of the teacher or the cry of the father. As soon as we find ourselves in a similar situation, physiological processes automatically start: our knees shake, our throat dries up. “The real situation has nothing to do with the past, but we seem to fly out of an adult body and find ourselves at a different age, in that mental space.”
How to return to the current state and gain control over what is happening? “Three elements are necessary for this,” says the psychologist. – Grounding: feet firmly on the ground. Breathing even, belly. And, finally, centering: awareness of a stable vertical that connects heaven and earth, top and bottom. If you feel that you can now lean on your spine, you will instantly become calmer. Spend 5 minutes before the meeting on these exercises, and your position will be correctly understood.