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This article is addressed to psychologists, but many of the recommendations from here will be useful not only to them, but to a wide variety of reasonable people.
I often observe how valuable advice and recommendations during consultations fly «by the ear» of the client. You speak to him, but he does not hear. Hears, but «merges». It seems to agree, but does nothing. That’s not the point! But what about?
The first question: prompt or let him think for himself?
Tips are informational help, but like any help, advice can be both inappropriate and unclaimed. It is possible and necessary to help people, but each time carefully understanding — to whom and how. It is the same with advice: it is possible to give advice and prompt, but not to everyone, not always and not immediately. What to focus on in order to act more accurately?
Don’t serve the lazy
Look at the eyes. Look at a person: eyes are alive, thinking — or lazy? If the latter, then stop your desire to help. Do not think for the lazy: do not prompt those who can guess for themselves. Many people are too lazy to think and hope that they will simply ask, and they will be told everything right away. Don’t encourage it — let them think for themselves. Thinking is helpful. In principle, this is useful, and you will save yourself, because a lazy person is too lazy not only to think, but also to do something. Therefore, with a high probability, a lazy person, having asked you for advice, will not want to work to fulfill it, and will explain to you that your advice does not suit him. Next, the game is the game «Yes, but» and the Karpman triangle …
What to do if you want to help, but you see that such a character is in front of you? How to respond to the usual “Well, I don’t know!”? — In this case, do not give a ready answer, but ask his opinion time after time. In such cases, “I don’t know” sounds good with standard formulations: “And think about it?”, “And if you knew?”, “And dream up?”. Faced with such persistence, the person usually pauses, thinks, and begins to say something more meaningful than before.
Nevertheless, in many cases it is naive to hope that a person will figure everything out on his own. If a person in this area lacks basic knowledge, you should not torment him with the requirements of «Think for yourself.» Here the psychologist, as a professional, can and should help the client with his knowledge: give him hints, and even direct instructions. Another thing — how?
This, too, has its own science and its own tricks.
Can you use your tips?
The mice asked the wise Owl for advice: “Owl, help! What to do, everyone offends us! The wise Owl answered the mice. «Mice, become hedgehogs, and your needles will protect you!» — “But how can we become Hedgehogs?” «Get off me with trifles, I’m a strategist, not a tactician.» If you are such an Owl and your advice needs a dozen more tips on how to bring it to life — keep such advice to yourself.
“You need to accept yourself!”, “You need to believe in yourself” — how is that? Did you provide technology? «Stop paying attention to his words!» “Get out of your head” are similar examples of such empty, non-working advice.
Good advice is that which you can use: advice that is practical and simple, doable. Perhaps the prejudice against advice is born precisely from the fact that practical and realistic advice is not often found.
“Before you do, you need to think with your head!” — Yes, formally this is advice, in reality it sounds more like an accusation. «Start keeping track of time!» — a wonderful hint, but without a detailed story of how this can be done in reality, such advice causes only lasting horror in the soul of the Russian population …
Practical tip: check any of your advice for an easy start: if a person can at least start (successfully start) doing what you suggested to him, you are talking business.
From cheap advice to expensive instructions
It’s very easy for our clients to get caught up in the «Yes, but» game. Psychologists do not want to repeat the mistakes of their own clients and, like a saving mantra, they repeat to themselves and their colleagues: “Do not give advice”, “Psychologists do not give advice”. However, such a categorical prohibition is overexposure, exaggeration, a manifestation of stereotyped thinking and fears. Is it true that in response to your advice there will always be a game of “Yes, but?” We answer: «A professional can manage this situation.» How?
Instead of optional advice, give instructions that must be followed
Advice is optional. You can listen to it, you can not, you can dismiss it. Such optional advice is ineffective; professionals usually replace it with either indirect, non-directive suggestions in the style of Ericksonian hypnosis, or directive, commanding-sounding instructions. This is what a doctor says when he writes you a prescription, and few people argue with a specialist doctor. It is clear that without preparing the ground, your confident directive can cause the same confident protest, so the professional first probes the ground and prepares: he thinks with the client, calibrates his condition, looks at his emotional responses. And only when it is obvious that the ground is ready and the client is already inclined towards a certain decision, he can be helped and dictated to him what he will do now.
Napoleon Bonaparte explained why his orders are always executed: «I simply never give an order that will not be carried out.» Before giving an order, he looked at people and tried on how they would react to his order. This is what real leaders do, this is how wise psychologists work.
Instructions are presented as expensive
If you respect yourself as a professional, you will not give away your advice and recommendations cheaply. The point is not in self-interest, but in the fact that people do not appreciate cheap things. If you want your recommendations to be valued by people, always indicate their value. And their main value is the willingness of a person to change himself, to really work with himself.
For example, you can phrase it like this: “I’m ready to tell you what can help you solve your problem, but I need to understand that you are ready to work. That you have come not just to chat about problems, but will really do something. In this regard, you have a question: how much time are you willing to allocate for such work? Give me a number: the number of minutes or hours you sign up for to work each day. I promise you that the tasks that I will give you will be feasible for you, you will cope with them. I do not promise that you will want to do all this. For example, washing dishes is not the most exciting thing, but sometimes it is necessary. In any case, my tasks will not be contrary to morality. But you must give me a number: how much?” “And do not say what the task is until the client fulfills this condition of yours.
It is clear that if the client shows such a willingness to work, you will provide him with seriously reasonable and working instructions. This is already your responsibility.
Then the client works and informs you about his successes, you rejoice with him, correct his work and give him the following tasks. If suddenly somewhere your instructions cease to be fulfilled, new tasks cannot be given. Here you need to figure out: either the client began to “merge”, or you went in the wrong direction. We emphasize once again: any instruction should come only after the most thorough analysis of the client’s situation. And the best analysis is the one that the psychologist makes in the closest collaboration with the client.