Contents
Tinder works to find love: five couples reveal the secret of success
Psychology
The dating ‘app’ is one more way to meet an upcoming stable partner and not just a one-night stand
It was the year 2003 when the words “Surfing the net / surfing the internet / surfing I fell in love” sounded on the radio: a song performed by, at that time, three girls who predicted the future love of their own generation. And the fact is that, if they already noticed where the shots were coming from, it was years later when Rosalía sang to J Balvin that “she had uploaded ‘fifteen stories” for him, just as Amaia spoke in one of her songs about “continuing to tremble when she arrives a message from him. Although a priori be less romantic, even love songs adapt to the new codes of flirting and flirting.
Times have changed, and love stories have a different beginning, but not another ending. Let them tell Raquel (25 years old), who, after being unexpectedly single, threw herself into the jaws of Tinder when “one of her best friends downloaded her all dating apps that exist”. A little after a week he made a ‘match’ with a boy and they met for a walk. What happened after? What happens when two people who fit together and have chemistry meet: that it works. «Three years have passed. We live together, we have a cat and we became a common-law couple, ”says Raquel.
Something similar happened to Eva (29 years old), who when she arrived in the United Kingdom decided to enter tinder because he didn’t know many people. “They sold it to me very well: a friend who already had it had met her girlfriend there,” he says. Eva says that it was through this application that she met her ex-boyfriend, with whom she spent three years and with whom she still has a great friendship. «I have met great people for this application. Very good friends that I keep to this day and why not, very good lovers », says the young woman.
Sergio (29 years old) and Victoria (23 years old) speak effusively about their respective partners whom, of course, they met on Tinder. Both have been in their relationships for about a year and both feel that theirs is going for a long time. “I don’t think that meeting someone on Tinder is less special than doing it in another way. The day I met my partner was one of the most special of my life; we got on and connected right away, ”explains Victoria. Although Sergio considers that “the nature of the application reduces a process as complex as finding a partner to a simple and vague gesture with the finger”, he says that he resorted to the ‘app’ for convenience and shyness. The boy, who is also part of that group of “we live together and we have a cat” explains that Tinder is a symptom of the current moment, but even if it is different it does not have to be worse. “Knowing someone like this is not enough to shoot a sequel to ‘El Diario de Noa’, but they have given us other stories that are just as special and intimate as ‘Her’,” he says.
Malala, now 27, started Tinder when she was still living in Venezuela because “it was what was in fashion.” She entered the ‘app’ without any expectations and, six years later, she is still with her boyfriend, whom she met online. «Although Caracas is not a very big city, I know that if it weren’t for tinder we would never have met, because we did not have any friends in common, “says the girl. She comments that Tinder is a way for her to meet people in a world where, “beyond university and work,” it is difficult to find a partner. “For me the experience was very good, and if I stayed single, I would download the application again,” she says.
Couples ‘online’, the most successful
Francesc Núñez, a sociologist at the Universitat Oberta de Catalunya (UOC), explains that the data reflect that couples who meet ‘online’ are more successful and have more prospects for the future than those that are known by traditional means. «There is more success because we are talking about a knowledge that, from the outset, is more rational, more calculated. Now it happens that first you know people rationally and then passion comes », explains the sociologist. He suggests that a different scenario used to occur in which “that crush” occurred and then the person began to be known. Now we find a situation where, when meeting someone through Tinder, usually the knowledge of the other person is quite deep, and prior to the relationship. «Then comes the chemistry: the physical and body part is very important and, if this doesn’t work, there is nothing to do. On the other hand, if on a physical level the relationship has a future, adding prior knowledge makes the expectations of the relationship much better, ”says Francesc Núñez.
Is Tinder only for young people?
Although the younger generations are the ones who find it easier to use dating ‘apps’, more and more people, at any age, use these means to find a partner. “It is evident that there are elderly or very old people who do not use these types of applications, but with each passing year the number of people increases. There are even applications focused on ‘mature’ people, or even married people ”, comments sociologist Francesc Núñez.
The psychologist Ángel Luis Guillén adds that, in general, previous generations continue to make a differentiation between the real world and the Internet world, but that this “does not mean that they cannot relate like digital natives.” Both professionals agree that, although the generations of ‘digital natives’ have more normalized the fact of finding a partner online, in general, “everyone gets on this bandwagon.”
Although there are those who come to Tinder and in a very short time leave there very happy and with a stable relationship, it is not always like that. The nature of this application, in which it is somehow the ‘ritual’ of finding a partner in a market, makes many people feel insecure, suffer repeated rejections and they are generally not comfortable.
Although Carlos (24 years old), has had a more or less stable relationship thanks to Tinder, when asked if he has had negative experiences with the ‘app’ He answers bluntly: “Many, many.” He explains that although he has met incredible people, he has also “had a really bad time.” “People collect ‘matches’ and then they don’t talk to you or they don’t answer you. I am a very insecure boy, with myself and my body, and that has created insecurities in me many times, ”says the young man.
Ana (26 years old) comments that, although per se you have not had a bad experience, if you have met people «who have created uncomfortable situations»:« I have suffered the typical boy insisting that I go to his house when we had not been more than half an hour from the first date, the one who got angry when I told him I just wanted friendship … but I think they are experiences that happen to us a lot. little to all ». In general, Ana thinks that Tinder is not for her. “The problem I see is that it is a very forced system: you lose the naturalness of meeting someone without expectations and seeing what happens,” he says and adds that, through Tinder, it is difficult for someone “to know the other parts of you more naturally, without resulting in a lack of long-term interest.
There are many reluctance that some people find when using Tinder. Ángel Luis Guillén, director of the Center for Psychopartner Psychology, points out that the possibility that someone you know will find you and what others will say is one of the main obstacles to being encouraged to use this type of platform. Also, explain that the fact expose yourself to an unfamiliar person, of which only very limited information is known, may be one of the factors that generate insecurity. “Likewise, the fear of rejection, of what another person who does not know you might say, or simply not being successful makes many people feel insecure with these tools,” he adds.
Like everything in life, on Tinder it’s not all black and white. There are those who accept the trend and, although they do not like it very much, they use the application. This is the case of Andrea (24 years old), who the first time she used Tinder found a partner soon after. “We were together for more than a year, it was my first Tinder date, and also my first relationship,” says the young woman. Now that she is single again, she comments that her experience with the ‘app’ “is more like all those that her friends who use it say: tedious and boring.” “You start a lot of conversations that you don’t get to deepen with almost anyone, they disappear before having a real conversation,” he adds. Even so, consider that Tinder is one more option, and it is already part of the day to day. I don’t think Tinder makes a relationship any less special. It is something different from what our parents did, but also our way of life and of relating to each other in general is different, “he says.
Break down the stereotype
A widespread idea (although less and less) is that people who use Tinder have little capacity for commitment, or they look for sporadic relationships. “This makes it look negative and does not fit with what some people understand as the process of finding a partner,” says Ángel Luis Guillén. The psychologist points out that, although it is true that there will be people who match this description, “there are also others who use these tools to meet new people, who do not seek sporadic relationships and who have no problem establishing a commitment.” He also makes a note: if meeting a partner online was increasingly common, this situation joins the reality that is being experienced of confinements, closure of leisure spaces or bans on parties, which makes it impossible to meet new people in a way physical. The sociologist Francesc Núñez adds that, the situation caused by Covid-19 is not the reason why dating ‘apps’ are one of the most common ways to meet people, but it has helped to “settle and accelerate a trend that already existed.
There are people who come to Tinder and win the jackpot the first time, and there are people who add bizarre dating stories to their lives. What is clear is that the dating ‘app’ model is a reality, and it is not going to change to pot anytime soon. “Not only at the level of dating: in general, the inevitable trend is for human relationships to occur more and more through the screens.”, Comments Francesc Núñez. It seems that, unless there is a worldwide catastrophe, day-to-day relationships and, of course, our flirtations, are going to happen through a screen.