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Parents always feel guilty. Is there enough time for children that we can devote to them? How to give a child the most important thing in time pressure?
“It’s not the quantity that matters, it’s the quality.” A common phrase that all parents had to hear more than once. It is repeated so often that the question involuntarily arises: maybe this is just a tribute to political correctness, a consolation for parents who suffer from feelings of guilt? Expert explanations.
Why do they need our time
“Of course, children need to communicate with their parents,” says child psychologist Elena Morozova. “Only in interaction with them does a child develop a sense of security, trust in other people and in himself.” Very young children need to be carried and hugged, and those who are older need to be looked at, listened to and loved: this helps them realize their “I”. The time we devote to them strengthens children’s faith in themselves and gives them the opportunity to grow up.
“Encouraged by our presence, they experiment, make discoveries, explore the world around them. And they learn to do without us, ”says the psychologist. The attention we give them is a guarantee of their autonomy in the future. Of course, this does not mean that we should be at their complete disposal or yield to all desires. Our role is rather to set boundaries, to help them deal with disappointments, to teach them patience and perseverance. And that follow-up takes time.
Julia Gippenreiter
“We continue to communicate with the child. So?”
Children grow up, which means that new questions regarding their upbringing and development arise from parents almost daily. The book of a psychologist and teacher, professor of Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter – a continuation of her bestseller “Communicate with a child. How? ”, which literally turned the attitude towards children in thousands of Russian families.
What happens to them if they miss us?
“They may feel as if they have been abandoned. And even think that it is they who are to blame for the fact that parents are so rarely around them, explains psychoanalyst Myriam Szejer. “Such experiences lead to a loss of self-confidence and can become the basis of childhood depression.” Is there a threshold after which the child definitely begins to suffer? “Seeing the kids for an hour a day is probably not enough,” suggests Miriam Sezher. “But quantity should not be the criterion for good enough communication.”
If the child is having a hard time, he will express his need for parental attention by bad behavior. Small children become annoying, aggressive, demanding. An older child fences off, stops turning to parents with questions or requests. “But it is wrong to perceive such changes as “whims” or a desire to be in the spotlight,” says Elena Morozova. “This behavior suggests that he lacks emotional contact with someone who is older than him and who loves him unconditionally.” All children need reassurance from us from time to time that they are rightfully in their place. It’s not about doubling the time we spend with them. But it is worth trying to be really together with the child when we are around.
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What does it mean to “be there”?
“This does not mean just being physically close and “looking after” the child,” explains Elena Morozova. “It means building a quality relationship with him.” Children really appreciate it when their parents do something interesting with them: play, read, watch cartoons… When adults are on the same emotional wavelength with them: they are happy, surprised, upset, and involved in their children’s needs, activities, hobbies. The paradox is that such high-quality communication helps the child to endure separation from their parents when they are away, at work, or even live separately.
Miriam Sezher reminds that, parting with a child for several hours or days, you need to explain to him the reasons for the separation and the time of the meeting each time (even if it is an indefinite “soon”). “French psychoanalyst Françoise Dolteau proved that even infants have a need to be told the truth adapted to their perception.”
“To allow yourself to be “good enough” parents is to say to yourself: yes, I am not perfect; I love the child as best I can, as I can; I learn from him and become wiser.”
But often parents are physically present, but psychologically … they are not next to the child. “Everyone happens to be tired, irritated, preoccupied,” continues Elena Morozova. “At such moments, it is difficult for us to pay attention to children, to listen to them when they need it. This in itself is not scary. But you should not drive your emotions inside and be “half” with the children. At such moments, we should explain to them what they can expect from us. “I can’t really listen to you right now (I’m busy/I’m not well/I’m sad) but I’ll do it as soon as I can.” So we will show our interest and our concern for the child, which will give him the strength to endure.
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- Being a parent… without guilt
How to focus your attention?
By listening to ourselves and to the reasons why we cannot be near the child, we become more attentive. What is fatigue? “We can make it a rule to do certain (transitional) actions after returning home and up to the moment that we are going to spend with the children,” suggests Miriam Sezher. Devote a quarter of an hour to your soul, changing clothes, rest … But it may also be that it is difficult for us to take care of children because of guilt. We can’t give them as much attention as they expect from us, we can’t give them what we would like, then why all this? Of course, we wanted to be perfect parents… “But there are no perfect parents! Elena Morozova assures. “Like perfect children!” And guilt is not constructive. It corrodes us, emotionally overloads us, and prevents us from communicating adequately with the child.” We need to allow ourselves to be just “good enough” parents, as child psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott said. “It means to say to yourself: yes, I am imperfect; I love the child as best I can, as I can; I learn a lot from him and become wiser,” says Elena Morozova.
It is possible, finally, that we are dismayed by the antics of our child, his tears or rage. Then it is simply necessary to devote time to him and listen to him in order to be able to unravel the riddle of such behavior. Stop your activities, kneel down to be the same height as him, take his hands, look into his eyes – all this helps to soften the attack. Feeling that he is being listened to, he will be able to express himself better.
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What to do with them?
Any activity that can show children that their existence is important to us and that we enjoy their company will do. You can devote time to their development: play together, draw, do homework. But we can introduce them to everything that we like: music, books, sports. We emphasize: the time spent together does not have to be “productive” and “useful”. “Together fooling around and laughing can be more useful than, say, trying to teach a child to read and write very early,” emphasizes Elena Morozova. “Anything that unifies and helps to relax, at the same time strengthens relationships.”
If time is really pressed, you can involve children in the necessary activities: cook food together, go to the store, clean the house, instilling in them useful skills, relying on their tastes and ingenuity. Car interior, bathroom, waiting room – use any suitable space for meaningful conversations. But if necessary, it is quite possible to say that now you need to take care of yourself. That the time has come for children to leave their parents in the adult world. Everything has its time.