The inscription on King Solomon’s ring has become a familiar saying when we want to comfort someone: «Everything will pass, be patient.» But is it really possible to cope with mental trauma if you just give time to do your job? Or should grief do its work, and not time?
Such consolations are also in use: “It will be forgotten”, “What does not kill makes us stronger …” These words often cause anger and irritation among those who have experienced great grief. How to forget the betrayal of a loved one or bullying at school? Accept the death of your own child? Calmly talk about the hurricane that destroyed the house?
But, perhaps, folk wisdom is still right, arguing that sooner or later any wounds heal? “Our psyche has the potential to cope with the pain of loss,” explains psychotherapist Marina Travkova. — The recovery process is conceived by nature itself. But its essence is not in the mechanical expectation of oblivion, but in allowing grief to do its work, gradually living through all its stages from denial to acceptance.
Time heals, but not always and not for everyone. It depends on the scale of the incident and the age of the person, on the type of nervous system and the feeling of vulnerability, on whether there is someone nearby who will take care of him. An event that is trifling for one, for another, can become a nightmare of a lifetime. And no one knows in advance how it will be this time.
Memories fade with time. But much more important is how we make sense of them.
“You can say that the trauma has been lived when we have compiled a coherent story about the event, from understanding why it happened to knowing how to prevent it or what to rely on if it happens again,” says Marina Travkova. — The “healed” episode is remembered, albeit with regret, but as a fact that has become part of personal history. If we perceive the events of 20 years ago as painfully as if they happened yesterday, with the same fullness of feelings, this is a sign of traumatization.
Approximately two out of ten people, according to the experience of a psychotherapist, are able to cope with grief on their own, six need at least minimal help, and another two do not have enough resources to process a difficult experience, and they fixate on a traumatic event.
Such a splinter gets stuck in the heart, interfering with development, causing depression, self-isolation, obsessive or dissociative states. And then you need to work with a specialist.
Sometimes it seems that letting go of painful memories is impossible. The survivor seems to hide in a cocoon of the past, forbidding grief and time to do their work.
“It happens because pain carries values,” explains Marina Travkova. — In this case, to stop grieving would mean betraying someone or something, losing completely, reconciling with what cannot be reconciled.
A mother can yearn for a dead child for decades, widows grieve for their husbands, remaining faithful. It seems that allowing yourself a new relationship is like admitting: even if my loved one would not exist. Surrounding such grief can discourage and even anger, but for the most grieving there is something important in it.
Different methods of psychotherapy offer ways to work with trauma: keeping a diary to understand emotions and sensations, art therapy and meditation practices. Relatives can also help, first of all, by their readiness to be near the grieving and listen carefully to him, without imposing ready-made formulas of consolation.