In equal respects of adults, no one saves anyone, does not pull out, does not “energize”. The role of the sympathizer in such contact is to create conditions in which a person who is acutely experiencing his loneliness and feels lost can hear and understand himself better.
An empathic person is a person who comes to meet another person in order to be near in grief and joy. “Empathy for a suffering person excludes merging with him, when “I am you, you are me,” warns psychologist Olga Krasnikova, author of the book Loneliness*. “Merger is the path to addiction.”
Here are some guidelines to help you find the sweet spot:
1. Just be around. Personal presence is sometimes much more difficult, but also more important than “objective” substantive assistance.
2. Listen and hear. To listen means to tune in to a different, not your “wave”. To listen means to be attentive and notice not only the words of another, but also intonation, look and facial expressions, gesture and posture, and also feel the context. To hear means to penetrate the meaning that the interlocutor puts into his words.
This meaning is not always clearly expressed, because not everyone formulates their thoughts well, knows how to explain clearly. And it happens that a person himself does not fully understand what he wants to share. Therefore, it is so important that the listener is as focused as possible on the conversation, because any word can become the key to mutual understanding.
To give a person the opportunity to speak out often means to render him an invaluable service.
The ability to listen and hear can be developed. To begin with, it would be nice to learn to be silent when someone speaks, without trying to interrupt him, pick up, be sure to express / impose your opinion, comment, give your interpretation or assessment. But how difficult it can be – silently, carefully, delving into every word and intonation, to listen to what a person is trying to convey to us.
By the way, sometimes the goal of the narrator is not at all for the interlocutor to understand him, it is important for him to understand himself better. So to give a person the opportunity to speak out, to be heard and heard often means to render him an invaluable service.
3. To understand means to accept the language and meanings of another. Formally, we use the same language, but in reality we speak different languages. Our language is filled with personal meanings that reflect personal experience. Personal experience is a context that defines additional meanings of speech.
It is important to recognize his right to feel now what he feels, without trying to convince
To penetrate into the personal meaning, that is, to understand another, you need to make an effort and listen, learn to recognize the nuances of his speech. This requires attention and time. Sometimes understanding is helping.
You may not share the feelings that a person is experiencing at all, for example, not see the reasons for his resentment or guilt, even consider that he is wrong about something. But it is important to recognize his right to feel now what he feels – resentment, guilt, anger, grief, without trying to convince him, reason with him, without seeking the triumph of justice, without appreciating him and what is happening to him.
Having received emotional support and acceptance, a person is more likely to calm down and be able to look at his situation with a more sober look and, perhaps, see that he was wrong. And most importantly, he will not feel lonely.
* Olga Krasnikova is a counseling psychologist, head of the Interlocutor psychological center, author of the books Lateness and Unfulfilled Promises (Nicaea, 2014) and Loneliness (Nicaea, scheduled for release in October).