Contents
Three confrontations
When a child is caught mischievous and punishment becomes inevitable, he goes to tricks and tries to manipulate adults using three ways of behavior.
It is very important to know that not all children’s emotions, including tears and anger, are special tricks. Sadness and bitterness are also not tricks. Through tears and anger, words come to the surface that reflect the real state of the child. There are no rules that would allow determining the true intentions of the child, nevertheless, the feelings expressed by body movements, mimic muscles, expression of the eyes, voice and the words actually spoken by the child together express his true state. Attentive to children, intuitive parents are able to distinguish true feelings from manipulative behavior.
Confrontation one: bribery, tears, extortion
Suppose the parents are with the child in a restaurant or grocery store, and he begins to mournfully ask: “Please, mother. Buy it, please, please!» In order not to make a public scene, the parents make concessions and buy what he asks for. Another critical group are the neighbors who stop by to interact with you and enjoy watching the spectacle unfold. Another, and most difficult to communicate, group are grandparents. They actively intervene with advice in the process of education, seek to influence children, grandchildren and shape public opinion.
How to restrain from indulging the desires of children? A very important point is confidence in one’s rightness and strength. This is not about aggressive self-confidence, but about a calm state in which you feel right and are ready to explain your position to the child. Your self-righteousness must be based on the fact that children and adults have different rights, needs, desires, and your wisdom as a parent must bring together the rights, needs and desires of both parties and come up with a compromise solution that would suit both children and adults.
Anna wants to go outside and play with her friends. But she didn’t clean up. However, parents do not have the right to act by violent means. Be confident. But how can this be achieved? Anna’s eyes are full of tears: «Please, please, please!» In an absolutely calm voice, you should answer: “You can go for a walk as soon as you do the right thing.” At this moment, your child will understand that bribery, tears, extortion do not work, you need to do what the parents are trying to achieve.
If the children fail in the first confrontation, they can resort to using the second confrontation.
Confrontation two: anger and aggression
“Mom, this means that your outlook on life is outdated. None of the children, except me, on the whole block make their bed. I hate you. This is silly. It’s old fashioned. Why didn’t Mary make her bed? Why did Joey throw his pillows in the middle of the bed?» Parents who have adopted or adopted children hear only one phrase: “You are not my real father. You know, this weekend I’m going to see my real dad, and there’s no way he’s going to let me make his bed.» At such moments, parents want to tie their children or beat them. Do not do this.
If the parents endure the first confrontation, then the child feels slighted and wants to take revenge in the next fight. When parents fall into the trap of the second confrontation, it plunges them into a state of anger. («Don’t ever tell me anything like that!») Aggression breeds more aggression. If the child gets angry, it will make you angry, in this state you will cause even more aggression in the child, the circle will close. If you get angry, try not to say anything that you might not like yourself.
Another mistake that parents make when children start using second confrontation techniques is to enter into a discussion. (“I don’t care about the opinions of parents on our block whose children don’t make their beds. I know that in this house, the beds of all family members must be made. Maria has not made her bed because she is sick. Joy puts pillows on in the middle of the bed, and not at the head end because he is still small and has difficulty reaching the headboard.») Remember that when it comes time to argue with a twelve-year-old child whose polemical energy seems to be inexhaustible, you will absolutely feel lost.
Your children enter the house. They smile, you can hear jokes and laughter shimmering with ringing bells. After a few minutes, you hear a crying voice from the bathroom: «She took my comb again!» Sobs from the girls’ bedroom: «She tore my skirt!» Are we able to get through all this? Yes, they can, moreover, they must.
Aggression breeds aggression. Passivity too. The only thing that works is self-confidence. It allows parents to maintain a firm position, not to enter into lengthy and fruitless discussions, not to respond to the aggression of children, but to persuade them to fulfill their duties.
When a second confrontation arises, parents need to calm down and call on self-control to help. Parents should find an opportunity to teach their children a lesson:
- show the child that he was wrong;
- allow the child to see the problem as a whole;
- help the child find ways to solve the problem;
- do not humiliate the child’s self-esteem.
Try to keep your voice normal and say, «You can go outside after you’ve done the cleaning.»
What if the child does run off into the street? If he is small, try to catch him. Otherwise, in a heated state, he can do something unseemly on the street. When you catch a child, do not spank or shake it. (Some parents, after catching the child and spanking, also say: “Never run away from me. Now you will be at home!”) Try to hold the child close to you and shake it. I know it looks a little weird, but it’s much better than hitting or verbally humiliating him. In addition, hugging and rocking a baby can help reduce adrenaline levels in the blood of both of you. While rocking, say in a calm voice: “You are now upset, angry, but there is nothing to worry about.” After the child has finally calmed down, stroke his face, smile at him and say: “You can go for a walk as soon as everything is done.”
If the child is old enough, do not chase him. I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep up with an eleven year old. I can’t afford to scream, «Wait, you bad boy, I’ll catch up with you soon!» If I get involved in the chase, I will certainly be the losing side in it. If you think about it, there are no winners in this pursuit. If an eleven year old starts storming the front door, let him go. He himself fears total disobedience. When the child leaves the house, do not forget to notice after him: «As soon as you calm down a little, please return home.»
As soon as the child breaks free, he will stop being angry with his parents, as they freely let him out of the house, asked him to return and provided complete freedom of action. Who will be the winner in this situation? At first glance, it seems that the child was the winner, as he left the house and did not do what he was asked to do. But in fact, the situation has not yet been resolved, so it’s too early to talk about the winners. When the child returns home, most likely, he will give you a sincere smile. At this moment, he needs to say: “Any person can lose control of the situation, but life is life and everything returns to its normal course. You came home and your work is still not done. You understand that each person must take care of himself, so you must eat, brush your teeth, make your bed and your room, do part of the general work of caring for the house.
One of the best ways to get out of the current critical situation is to temporarily remove yourself from it. As soon as a person «cools down», it is easier for him to make reasonable decisions. It can be helpful to take a walk with your son and then continue the conversation. In the end, he will do what was asked of him. If you and your child manage to survive the second confrontation, then you have experienced one of the stages of your joint growing up together.
If you can’t «win» the second confrontation, the child will take note that it is possible to be evil and, when communicating with you and other people, resolve conflict situations not with good, but with evil.
In the event that the child failed to win the second confrontation, he can proceed to the third.
Confrontation three: in defiance
Acts committed in defiance, this is one of the most effective methods of children’s confrontation. No one can force them to behave the way they do not want to. (“I’m not going to do this. You can’t make me do what I don’t want to. I’m not going anywhere, it’s raining outside. No matter how you punish me, it won’t hurt me. You can lock me in I’ll finally listen to music.») In a normal, healthy child, confrontation lasts no more than five minutes. Let ten minutes, but no more. Many children know how to resist their parents and always achieve what they want.
The victory of the parents in the first confrontation leads to the second duel. If the second duel is sustained, then the turn of the third confrontation comes. Defeat in the third battle means a return to the first stage of confrontation. Children feel their position very well and do not waste time in order to defeat their bewildered parents.
How can the third confrontation be sustained? To do this, you need to show willpower and perseverance. Parents should not change the original decision and deviate from their existing installation. (“You can go for a walk as soon as you do what was planned.”) Try to control yourself when you hear a sarcastic remark from a child: “I am very well aware that I can only go for a walk later.” Children, if necessary, know how to mask their emotions. They use sarcastic remarks to save face. Parents should not pretend that they do not notice stinging statements, but they should not enter into discussions about these remarks either. Again, it is important to remain calm. Children do not need to hear your immediate reaction to their behavior. When children try to challenge you to an open conflict, then try not to lose your temper. As a rule, after long bickering, one of two things happens: (a) your child does the right thing and goes for a walk; (b) the child begins to go on a rampage in his room, hitting the walls, doors, furniture, and finally, exhausted from an excess of emotions, he falls to the floor.
If such a scenario has developed when the child is about to leave the house, give him the opportunity to leave without a single word commenting on his act. When he returns home, calmly tell him: «You will not have dinner until you do the cleaning.» It should be understood that using such behavioral tactics, you are on the warpath with your child. He may answer you: “Great, there are enough food supplies in my room for a whole week!”
In response, you can say an even more crushing phrase: “You are punished at home for six weeks!” Now the child will be an eyesore to you with his constant stay at home for six weeks just because he did not obey. Instead of developing confrontation, you can invite the child to do what the discussion began with, namely: to clean up.
If you manage to withstand three confrontations, then your child will begin to understand that you are thinking about what you are talking about, and you are saying what you are thinking about. You do what you say and always keep what you promise. The child will begin to treat your words differently, and in your thoughts he will try to look for rationality and order.
The child must feel that the confrontation that has arisen is not a game. Calm resolution of a disputable or conflict situation should become the norm of everyday life. At the same time, children should be firmly aware of their responsibilities and make every effort to fulfill them.
Constancy in the requirements for the child
What if the child does some work and, unfortunately, does it poorly? What if you went into the children’s bedroom and saw a mess there?
Some parents in such a situation cannot restrain themselves and, in a fit of anger, tear off the coverlet from the bed, throw something on the floor. Then scandalous cries are heard throughout the house. Others will fix and clean everything on their own, wanting to demonstrate their skills to the children.
Finally, the third type of parents, having entered the children’s bedroom and seeing the disorder reigning in it, draw more air into the lungs, calm down and tell the child what needs to be done. See →