Three types of empathy: what is the difference and how to master them

We often hear that the world lacks empathy, you must have noticed its lack. The leader cannot find a common language with the team and vice versa. Husbands and wives do not understand each other, parents have forgotten what it means to be a teenager, children do not see how they are taken care of. We complain that people do not consider our opinions and feelings, but we do the same.

On the one hand, it takes time and effort to understand how others feel and why they act in a certain way. We are not particularly eager to waste resources on everyone. Plus, it’s not easy to show empathy, even if you want to.

On the other hand, we must learn, otherwise we risk spoiling the relationship. The habit of clinging to shortcomings develops into mental and emotional confrontation. Everyone holds the enemy at gunpoint, problems persist, and there is no hope for reconciliation. If someone decides to show sympathy, the vicious circle will break. A person who is understood most often reciprocates and takes a step forward. What is the outcome? A trusting relationship has been created, where both parties are ready to take each other’s word for it and forgive mistakes.

What is it and how to develop?

Empathy is described in different ways, depending on who you ask. Most would agree with the definition: “Empathy is the ability to understand and share the thoughts or feelings of others.” To feel and manifest it, it is not necessary to experience the same as the rest. This means the desire to better understand people, to be in their place.

Psychologists Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman distinguish three types of this ability.

cognitive empathy — the ability to understand how people feel and why they think so. Thanks to it, we become excellent negotiators, because we are able to present information in such a way that others perceive it.

emotional empathy (or affective) — the ability to transfer other people’s feelings onto oneself. Some describe it like this: «Your pain is in my heart.» It helps with spiritual rapprochement.

compassionate empathy (or empathic concern) is more than understanding others and sharing their feelings. She forces to act, to help with all her might.

How do types of empathy work?

Suppose a friend has recently lost a family member. The natural reaction may be sympathy, pity or grief. You’ll want to express your condolences, and the friend will most likely appreciate it. But remember, empathy takes time and effort.

It all starts with cognitive empathy: imagine what he had to endure. Who did he lose? How close were they? He learned the pain of loss, how will his life change now? Thanks to emotional empathy, you can not only understand, but also share the feelings of a friend. Some part of you knows what deep grief is and how much it hurts. You probably remember how hard it is to lose loved ones or imagine how you would feel if it happened.

Compassionate empathy leads to action. You can start cooking without your friend having to think about it. Make the necessary calls or help with the housework. Or maybe just stay close or, if a friend wants to be left alone, look after his children.

This is just one clear example of empathy, but every day brings new opportunities to develop this ability. In fact, every contact with others is a chance to take a different point of view, share someone’s feelings and help.

Developing cognitive empathy

It’s about educated guesses. We often misinterpret gestures and facial expressions. A smile can mean not only joy or pleasure, but also sadness.

If you want to find a common language with people, remember what is known about them and try to find out even more. But the interpretation of someone else’s mood, behavior or thinking is always based on lived experience and involuntary prejudices. Intuition often fails, do not rush to conclusions. After the conversation, take a minute and consider the response of the interlocutor: what he wrote or said, what were his movements. Over time, you will be able to recognize not only the state and character of others, but also how they perceive your thoughts and manner of communication.

Learning emotional empathy

It takes effort. After all, the goal is to be imbued with the feelings of another, to reach a deep level of mutual understanding. Listen carefully to those who talk about problems. Restrain the desire to evaluate people or situations, interrupt, share experiences, offer solutions. Instead, focus on trying to figure out how he feels and why. You need to give yourself time to think. When you understand what a person is going through, put yourself in his place. Ask yourself: “Has this happened to me?”

This process was described by Hendry Weisinger, author of Emotional Intelligence at Work. “When someone says, “I failed my presentation,” I don’t think about my own failed presentation, because, by and large, this is a trifle. Rather, I remember how I felt when I did not cope with an important task. That is, I restore sensations in memory, and not an event.

Of course, no one can imagine how another person feels. When you learn to feel the feelings of others and get a full understanding of the situation, you will be able to show empathy.

Practicing Compassionate Empathy

Start with a direct question: “How can I help you?” If the person is unable to respond, ask yourself, “What helped me in a situation like this?” or “What could help me?”. Sharing experiences or expressing opinions is generally not bad, but you don’t need to behave like a categorical know-it-all who has an answer for everything. Talk about what has become salvation. Instead of universal solutions, offer possible ways out of difficulties.

What worked in your case, or in many cases, may not work for a particular person. This is no reason to leave him in trouble. Do what you can.

We apply in practice

When the need arises to understand someone else’s point of view, repeat a few rules.

• You don’t see the whole picture. Each case is individual, many circumstances are unknown to you.
• Today you think and feel differently than yesterday, it depends on your mood.
• Under severe stress, behavior can be unpredictable.

Remember this, and then you can better understand people and find a common language. No one is immune to trials and failures, and you too can benefit from empathy and understanding.

Source: Inc.