Three styles of communication in a couple that lead to a dead end

Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Alice Boyes identifies three characteristic styles of interaction in a couple that signal problems in a relationship. Once you become aware of your communication pattern, you can try to change it and build a healthier relationship as a couple.

Style #1 Request / Evasion

Partner 1: What do you think of this bedroom wallpaper? (Request)

Partner 2: I don’t know, decide for yourself (yourself) (Evasion)

One partner tries to involve the second in a joint decision-making (or discussion of some issue), but he refuses to participate in this. Refusal may look like ignoring or dodging a direct answer, but in any case, it clearly shows the person that his partner does not want to respond to his requests / desires / needs.

• Are you asking too much of your partner?
• Are your reproaches against your partner fair?

How do we fall into this trap?

Partner 1 sends a request and is denied. What happens next? Most often, Partner 1 begins to put pressure on Partner 2, demanding a more intelligible answer from him. It is now doubly important for him to get a response. Because we are evolutionarily programmed to suffer if a partner ignores our requests (even if the subject of the request itself is not so important). After all, how do we perceive his refusal? It’s as if we asked, “Are you with me?” and our partner replied, “Maybe not.” And the situation when a person whom we believe and consider ours, whom we expected to rely on, turns out to be not quite ours, was extremely dangerous for the physical survival of our ancestors. And that is why we still react painfully to avoiding an answer, to a partner evading our proposal.

How does Partner 2 respond to increased pressure? He may continue to evade the answer, or he may show aggression (for more on this, see below).

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Not always the style of communication Request / Evasion is a problem for partners. Sometimes it looks quite harmless (as, for example, in the case of the choice of wallpaper). But in the event that there are problems in the relationship, this style is likened to a combat alarm. Partners perceive each next remark of each other not at the everyday, but at the existential level: “Are we together?”, “Are you interested in what is important to me?”, “Can I / Do I want to be with you?”.

Important: It may seem that one of the partners is always more interested and involved, while the other always ignores him, but in reality, only black and white is rarely found in life. If it seems to you that it is you who requires attention from your partner, try to be especially attentive to your behavior in the next few weeks and catch those moments when you yourself reject your partner’s request. Watch, your rejection may be subtle, like not wanting to look at him when he talks to you.

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Style #2 Assault/Assault

Criticism, insult, hitting are the most wrong and cruel, but at the same time the most typical forms of attack in problem couples. How to understand the difference between a reasonable claim (complaint), criticism and insult?

Claim refers to a specific behavior or behavior.

Criticism is an explicit or implied statement about some fundamental flaw in your partner’s personality (for example, stingy, lazy). It is easily recognizable by the turns: «you never», «you must», «you always» «why you never». The purpose of criticism is to hurt the partner, to make him feel guilty/shame. Criticism always causes resentment and a desire to defend oneself.

Insult — even worse than criticism, destroys love and trust in a couple. It includes hostility, swearing and name-calling, ridicule, sarcasm, offensive phrases like «you’re crazy.» Insult can also be applied non-verbally, for example, intonation, facial expressions, gestures.

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Style #3 Evasion / Evasion

Describing this style of relationship, Alice Boyes draws a curious analogy: if you go to a dry well several times in the hope of getting water and invariably return empty-handed, at some point you will simply stop going there. When one of the two begins to think that one should not count on the support and interest of a partner, he no longer tries to get them. He ceases to perceive his relationship as a support, as a source of moral support. He no longer feels that the partner is able to inspire confidence in him, cheer him up, maintain a good attitude towards himself.

Signs that indicate this relationship style

• Instead of turning to a partner when you need to calm down or share your thoughts, you look for support somewhere else — from a stranger at the bar, at work, from friends or parents, on romantic adventures. Of course, a partner should not be your only support, but he should definitely be one of the resources;
• You do not tell your partner about your dreams, plans and fantasies, for fear of being ridiculed;
• You live together, but your emotional interaction is kept to a minimum;
• At that moment, when one says something, the second turns off or ignores what was said;
• You have lost respect for your partner or have ceased to trust him. You do not see in his thoughts or ideas anything new, valuable or useful to you;
• You do not dream about the future of your relationship — for example, about joint projects, about trips, about how you will live in 10 or 20 years. Or do you still have some dreams, but you have already despaired of ever seeing them come true.