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When we are faced with difficult life circumstances, the first desire is to run away, close. We don’t want to experience mental suffering. But by suppressing these feelings, we risk psychological well-being. Clinical psychologist Beth Kurland talks about the practice of «the door», which helps to cope with difficult experiences.
When I was 15, my mother died in a car accident. I did not know how to cope with grief, and out of desperation, I plunged into my studies. She never missed a single day of school and tried to control every element of her life. In a way, the strategy worked: I only got good grades in school. But denial of grief cost me dearly. I constantly worried about events that I could not control, such as sudden changes in plans or minor injuries.
In adulthood, irrational fears appeared. When I was pregnant, I avoided places with a strange smell. I was afraid that the embryo would be poisoned by toxic fumes. Only after the birth of her first child, with the help of a psychotherapist, she was able to fully experience the grief associated with the loss of her mother. I was able to feel the emotions that I drove away from myself for so many years.
As I write in my book Dancing on a Tightrope, avoiding the unpleasant is part of human nature. But attempts to hide from unpleasant emotions entail a number of negative consequences: increased psychological stress, anxiety and depression. It undermines well-being.
When I Learned to Accept My Dark Emotions, It Reduced Anxiety
When we accept our addictions, we are less likely to develop addictive behaviors. When we accept physical suffering, we are less likely to get stuck in a vicious cycle of chronic pain. Sadness is less likely to be depressed. Anxiety is less likely to paralyze us.
When I learned to accept my dark emotions, it reduced anxiety in life, taught me to enjoy life more and believe in the ability to cope with difficult life circumstances. As a psychotherapist, I also observe the healing that patients experience when they learn to accept difficult emotions.
If we want to live a fuller life and be ourselves, we need to learn to accept our pain rather than suppress it. Techniques of mindfulness, self-compassion, and acceptance will help you achieve this. They combine in a practice that I call «the door.» It includes the following steps.
Step 1: Get ready to open the door
Imagine that you open the door and invite emotions to enter and sit in the room. Imagine the places they can take, next to you or away from you. From your position, you can examine all emotions with curiosity.
Often, in the representations of people, emotions have a color or a shape. Sometimes people imagine them as cartoon characters or a younger version of themselves. Just accept whatever emotions come to you. For most, this is a new experience. Who wants to let anxiety into their home? Who wants to welcome sadness or anger? But, having let in all the emotions that have come, we can observe them from afar from the position of curiosity and interest.
Step 2: Explore all emotions with curiosity
Conscious observation helps to cope with the obstacles that stand in the way. It is useful to call feelings by name: “this is pain”, “this is jealousy”, “this is anger”. Often we don’t pay attention to how we feel and miss important information. By naming the emotions that cause tension, we reinforce the inner experience and reduce the intensity of experiences.
It is also helpful to view emotions as temporary guests. Add the phrase «at this moment» to the statement «I am feeling tense, angry, or hurt.» This will help you accept emotions without feeling overwhelmed. You can also ask yourself the following questions:
- “How does this emotion manifest itself in my body and thoughts?”
- “If this feeling could speak, what would it say?”
- «What does he want?»
Be curious about emotions, don’t be afraid or reject them. This will help you better understand your feelings.
Step 3: Give yourself compassion
Many of us have been taught not only to push away unpleasant emotions, but to judge ourselves for them. If we show sadness, this is a sign of weakness, if we feel anger or jealousy, then we are bad people. If we experience a loss, we must forget about it and move on with our lives. When faced with difficult emotions, we often tell ourselves to pull ourselves together and not be stupid. When we practice mindfulness, kindness to ourselves, and acknowledging the common nature of human suffering, we cultivate self-compassion that stimulates psychological well-being.
Imagine that you are sitting next to your best friend who is going through a difficult situation. How will you show compassion for him, what will be the body language? How will you listen to it? What sensations will you have in the region of the heart?
Each time, trying to accept difficult emotions, we increase our inner resource.
Now imagine that this person expresses compassion for you. What can he say or do? What words would comfort and comfort you? Most likely, a close friend will not tell you: “Put it out of your head. You shouldn’t feel like this.» Perhaps he will say: “It seems that you are really having a hard time. But I’m there.» Maybe he will lend you a hand. When we learn to consciously perceive emotions and treat any experiences compassionately, we will become a close friend to ourselves. The ability to support ourselves in both good and bad times has a healing power.
Each time, trying to accept difficult emotions, we increase our internal resource. We learn to believe in our ability to cope with difficult situations, develop psychological endurance, which helps to make our way through life’s difficulties. We end up finding ways to follow what really matters to us. Each of us has the power to face difficulties, it is enough to open the door.
Source: greatergood.berkeley.edu