Self-love is our most important inner resource. It is absolutely necessary in order to accept yourself unconditionally and allow yourself to make choices.
Oddly enough, not everyone knows how to love and accept themselves without internal criticism. And the roots of such a deficit are hidden in childhood: a child will not learn to love himself if he did not see in his parents, especially in his mother, an example of a loving attitude towards him.
If we didn’t receive maternal love in childhood, this deficit will remain built into the internal structure for life. You certainly know about the inner Child, the inner Parent and the inner Adult. A lack of self-love occurs when something is wrong with our real parent (and, as a result, with the inner one): when he is not kind, loving and caring towards our inner Child, but only controlling, critical, aggressive, rejecting , cold.
In other words, imagine that someone very important to you lives inside you, but he does not love you. By what signs can you guess that you value yourself, value yourself? I’ve asked this question in therapy groups and got answers like this.
Loving yourself is:
- take care of yourself; take care of yourself;
- accept yourself without internal criticism, without feelings of shame or guilt;
- respect yourself, recognize your personal set of qualities, talents and abilities as unique;
- feel worthy of all the best;
- communicate with others on an equal footing, without feelings of inferiority, without shame or guilt;
- protect your interests;
- meet your needs;
- allow yourself to live for pleasure.
What are some signs that you don’t love yourself enough?
- You are indifferent to your appearance and health.
- Self-critical, constantly “working on yourself”, improving yourself.
- In dealing with other people, you feel inferior. Consider yourself unworthy of something – money, material wealth, pleasure, education, harmonious relationships; you have the feeling that you don’t deserve it.
- In a situation of choice, you prefer to satisfy the needs of another person, to the detriment of yourself, and then you feel like a victim.
Is it possible to learn to love yourself as an adult? It is possible, although not easy – it requires focused attention. In my opinion, the following helps us in mastering this internal resource.
1. The art of small steps
How do I do it? Periodically, remembering this task, I return myself to the moment here and now, listen to my body, thoughts and feelings. I notice even very small pockets of discomfort and try to eliminate them.
For example, something hurts, or there is tension somewhere in the body. Massage this place, direct your attention, breath, energy there, in general, do something for yourself, take care of yourself so that the discomfort goes away.
In contact with others, self-love is manifested through the timely delineation of boundaries.
If it’s blowing, close the window, move to another place. If mess is an eyesore, remove it, bring beauty to it so that it pleases the eye. If you want to eat, drink, go out into the air – go to meet yourself. If you want something specific, like coffee with cinnamon, brew it and drink it with pleasure!
2. Caring Inner Parent
Be your own caring mother. Pamper and love your inner Child. Notice the care of the inner Mother, rejoice in her and yourself. You can keep a diary and write down all the episodes when you were able to satisfy your even minor needs. Praise yourself for this.
3. Borders
In contact with others, self-love is manifested through the timely delineation of boundaries. And this is what many of us need to learn. This is where psychotherapy can help. And if you learn this on your own, then you should proceed from the fact that our body reacts to the violation of boundaries. It is necessary to develop one’s own sensitivity, observation, awareness, presence in the moment, in order not only to notice the signals of the body in time, but also to immediately respond to them by marking the boundaries.
For example, some person comes too close to you, intrudes into the “intimate zone”, where you let only the closest people in. As soon as a stranger crosses an invisible border, the body begins to react, for example, there is a slightly noticeable tension in the stomach or the rhythm of breathing goes astray. Noticing such body signals in time and saying “stop” or “no” is not easy for many, but this is a skill whose value cannot be overestimated.
It is especially difficult in a situation of choosing between your needs and the needs of a close, beloved, important person for you. For example, you are dead tired, and the children are dragging you for a walk. What will you choose? Out of self-love, will you allow yourself to rest, or will motherhood take over?
You can keep a diary and write down all the episodes when you defended your boundaries and made a choice in favor of your needs and interests.
Believe me, love for other people grows only out of self-love. He who does not know how to love himself does not know how to love another.