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As a newly minted grandparent, you may find with bitterness that many things are beyond your control. But how you adjust to your new role and chain of command will determine the future content of this potentially wonderful chapter of your life. How well you master the art of being a grandparent largely depends on the psychological health of your grandchildren and what kind of people they become.
1. Resolve past conflicts
To succeed in your new role, you need to bury the hatchet, resolve relationship issues with your children, and get rid of negative feelings that have likely been building up over the years.
Think of all the claims, prejudices, jealousy attacks. It is never too late to try to resolve past conflicts, from fundamental disagreements to simple misunderstandings. Your goal is lasting peace. Only in this way can you become a part of your grandson’s life, and when he grows up, set an example of a healthy relationship between loved ones.
“My daughter-in-law always had a lot of rules for me,” recalls 53-year-old Maria. “I was outraged by her attitude. Then my grandson showed up. The first time I held him in my arms, I knew I had to make a choice. Now I smile at my sister-in-law, whether I agree with her or not, because I don’t want her to have a reason to keep me away from her grandson. He was about three years old when we were rising from the basement and he suddenly took my hand. “I hold your hand not because I need it,” he proudly declared, “but because I love it.” Moments like this are worth biting your tongue.”
2. Respect your children’s rules
The arrival of a baby changes everything. It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that now you have to play by the rules of your children (and daughter-in-law or son-in-law), but your new position dictates that you follow their example. Even when your grandson is visiting you, you should not behave differently. Your children and their partners have their own opinion, point of view, system and style of parenting. Let them set their own boundaries for the child.
Parenting in the XNUMXst century is different from what it was a generation ago. Modern parents draw information from the Internet, social networks and forums. Your advice may seem old-fashioned, and perhaps it is. Wise grandparents act cautiously and consciously demonstrate respect for new, unfamiliar ideas.
Let new parents know that you realize how scared they are right now, how tired they are, and that any worried new parent feels the same way. Be kind, let your presence help them relax a little. This will affect the child, who will also become calmer. Remember that your grandson always wins from your behavior.
3. Don’t let your ego get in the way
We feel hurt if our words are no longer as strong as they used to be, but expectations need to be adjusted. When (and if) you give advice, don’t push it. Better yet, wait to be asked.
Research shows that when grandparents hold their grandchild for the first time, they are overwhelmed by the “love hormone” oxytocin. Similar processes occur in the body of a young mother who is breastfeeding. This suggests that your bond with your grandson is very important. It is also important to understand that you are now the chief operating officer, not the executive. You have to accept it, because the grandchildren need you.
Representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of the grandson
A study by the University of Oxford found that children who are raised by their grandparents tend to be happier. In addition, they more easily experience the consequences of such difficult events as separation of parents and illness. Also, representatives of the older generation provide a link with the past and help in shaping the personality of the grandson.
Lisa was the first daughter of two successful and therefore terribly busy lawyers. The older brothers teased and humiliated the girl so much that she gave up trying to learn anything. “My grandmother saved me,” the girl admitted a week before receiving her doctorate. “She would sit on the floor with me for hours and play games that I never tried to learn. I thought I was too stupid for this, but she was patient, encouraged me, and I was no longer afraid to learn something new. I started believing in myself because my grandmother told me that I could achieve anything if I tried.”
Adapting to the unusual role of a grandparent is not easy, sometimes unpleasant, but it is always worth the effort!
Author: Leslie Schweitzer-Miller, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.