Three questions to help us awaken our sexuality

“When the connection with this part of the “I” breaks, we live as if in half. Meanwhile, many suppress their sexuality, resist the natural need, says clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone. “People have a negative attitude towards their body and sex, they drive themselves into frames and stop being themselves.”

Why it happens? We acquire such attitudes in childhood: we notice, observe, hear something in the family or in the company. Other people’s views and ideas about what is right gradually penetrate into our personal experience, and we appropriate them. As we grow older, we absorb different impressions and often do not realize how powerful they are. Their echoes resound in the head, destroying our sexuality.

The Inner Critic makes derogatory remarks about ourselves, such as:

• “You look ugly. Your naked body is disgusting to look at. Cover up!”
• “Sex is indecent. Stop thinking about it”
• “If you sleep with him, he will think that you are available”

The critic knows how to pretend. Consoling or warning, he still imposes restrictions:

• “Don’t show that you like her. He’ll be gone in no time!”
• “Don’t you dare take the first step. Make yourself look like a fool!”
• “If you have sex, it will be embarrassing and embarrassing. It is better to do without it … “

Perhaps you are visited by other unpleasant thoughts. Yet, Dr. Firestone points out, asking anyone to write down what their inner critic says about sex almost always reveals an uncomfortable truth. Claims to one’s own body, nitpicking of a partner or potential partners, a disapproving attitude towards sex or attraction are found. Usually these voices come from the past. To reunite with your sexual “I”, you need to clear your mind of unnecessary husks.

Three questions about sexuality

How to figure out what sexuality really means to you and what prevents you from expressing it? Ask yourself three questions to find out what beliefs your inner critic grew up with and separate the imposed attitudes from real feelings and a healthy relationship with sex.

1. How did you find out about sexuality?

When did you first find out that there is sex in the world? Did your parents tell you about it or was this topic taboo? Did they talk frankly with you or get off with hints? What have you learned from the conversations and behavior of adults?

What did you hear about sex in the family, from friends and acquaintances, in society and, finally, from TV? How have you been affected by the scattered experiences, information and advice?

2. What does your inner critic think about sex?

Listen to how your “intimate mentor” talks. Scolding for sexual attraction? Picking on your appearance? Does it suggest that no one loves you, does not want you, and makes you doubt yourself? Looking for faults in those you like? Do these dialogues make you uncomfortable? Do you back off, get nervous and embarrassed? Are you being told that sex is dirty and bad?

Write down all the cues in the second person: instead of “I”, use “you”. This will help to abstract from criticism and not take it for your own opinion. Might be able to figure out where it came from. For example, one woman wrote: “You should be ashamed of your indefatigable sensuality. Don’t be pushy. You’re too preoccupied and vulgar. You can’t show someone what you want.”

Rereading the notes, she remembered how her mother called her “meddlesome” and constantly taught her not to show sympathy to boys! In addition, she had never seen her parents hugging and kissing. And then it became clear to her that there was no need to copy her mother’s views on sex at all.

3. What do you think about sexuality yourself?

Take a blank piece of paper and respond to each “you” statement with an “I” statement that is realistic, restrained, and honest. The woman mentioned above wrote: “There is nothing wrong with my sensuality. I’m not horny or vulgar, my sexuality is normal. I’m not ashamed of my feelings. This is the best part of me.”

Respond to your inner critic, stand your ground and maintain your composure. Talk to him like a close friend. Now ask yourself, how do you perceive sex? What does it mean to you to be “conscious of your sexuality”? What do you feel when you think about her? What happens if you accept that this is part of your nature? How can you express it? Hear your own voice, and let the inner critic be silent.

Sexuality is a unique quality that is extremely important for sincere intimacy. Unfortunately, no one will tell you where to find it. Only you yourself are able to wake up and accept your feelings, and then your sexual relationship will become much brighter. But most importantly, you will restore the inner “I” and heal for real.