Three pillars on which harmonious relationships stand

If you have been looking for a loved one for a long time or are dissatisfied with the quality of life with a partner, it is worth checking whether you are making mistakes in key points that are important to consider if you want to build a healthy relationship.

1. Respect for yourself and your partner

Answer yourself these questions first:

• What do you know about yourself?
• What are your strengths?
• What are you proud of?
• What is your hobby?

At the beginning of a relationship, people tend to fall under the influence of others, lose their own significance. By reminding yourself of what kind of person you are, what you can and can do, you will idealize your partner less. This is the key to mutual respect.

Then pay attention to what your family was like: how did relationships develop in it? What kind of “blind spots” can you have in connection with this experience that do not allow you to find your happiness? You may be repeating your parents’ script. For example, you have been taught to give more attention and care to others and to act to the detriment of yourself. And now you are trying to realize a similar story in communication and relationships with the opposite sex.

Remember that in a relationship, as in everything else, balance is important: it is necessary and important to both give and take. The balance will not allow you to unconsciously fall into the state of the victim: “I gave him the best years of my life, I did everything for him, and he…”

2. An honest look at a partner

It happens that after a few months, or even years, we look closely at a partner and suddenly realize that he is different – not the same as we saw him yesterday. Why it happens? Had he been pretending all this time? Perhaps, but most often it is in our optics.

First, according to the theory of anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has been researching romantic relationships for over 30 years, we are in a state of “romantic love” for the first 17-36 months of a relationship. Dopamine plays a special role in it – the pleasure hormone, under the influence of which we constantly think about our partner and make plans for the future. Therefore, we do not notice what later, with the onset of mature, “conscious” relationships, will so strongly catch our eye.

Secondly, when we are just getting to know a future partner, we immediately fall under the influence of our own projections: we see in him what we actually have in ourselves. This mechanism is inherent in us by nature, it contributes to procreation.

“He is so determined and active,” the girl says after the first two dates. “He is so lethargic and uninitiative,” the same girl may say after a while.

Sooner or later, an inevitable collision with reality awaits us, when we suddenly “see the light” and see the partner as he is. Then we will have only two options for resolving the issue: accept its shortcomings that we did not notice before, or break off relations.

Knowing about the role of hormones and projection, we can avoid their traps and try to look at a partner not through rose-colored glasses from the first days of our acquaintance.

3. Open dialogue with a partner

In a relationship, you need to be able not only to make joint decisions, but also to be flexible. Everything changes in life: even if you and your partner once agreed on something, after a while this decision may seem illogical or inconvenient. This means that it must be discussed again in order to come to a new agreement.

For example, in a couple there was an agreement that both partners work and maintain a common budget. Then a child appeared, and the young mother went on maternity leave. At this moment, the rules change: while the woman looks after the child, the husband tries to earn more so that the budget does not suffer. Or the family hires a nanny and the woman goes to work.

Practical assignment

Talking about yourself so that you can actually be heard, as well as listening and hearing others can be difficult. Especially if you were not taught this in childhood, if they did not pay attention to your words or devalued your desires. Think about how you talk about yourself, about your feelings, about your desires? How do you listen to other people? Can you not only listen, but also hear?

To understand this and pump the skill of “honest storytelling”, do the following exercise:

1. Recall a situation in a relationship that, for one reason or another, you once worried about. Or maybe he cares now.
2. Write down suggestions on a piece of paper about how you could convey your thoughts to your partner at that moment: what and how could you say so that he would hear you? Ask your partner to think about it too.
3. Also talk about things you underestimate about each other. What quality of your partner does not notice? For example, you are very caring and always think about his comfort, but the partner does not see this. You can ask him to continue to show that he appreciates your concern. In a harmonious relationship, your request will be heard. Be prepared for the fact that your partner will also point out some of his traits and qualities that you have not yet seen.

It is sometimes useful to look at a relationship as a business project. If you are growing your business, you need to invest time and resources in it, come up with new ideas. Do you want to develop and keep afloat a project called “Relationships”? Then do not forget to spend your time on it and pump the necessary partnership skills.