Have you ever noticed how a man and a woman talk? He usually speaks and, if he sees fit, interrupts. She listens politely. Writer Soraya Chemali is sure that it is this habitual manner of communication that prevents women from achieving financial and personal success.
In the fifth grade, I won the prize – “The most polite girl in the school.” And my brother at the same time was simply considered the clown of the class. “Young lady” and “tomboy” are typical roles in society for a girl and a boy.
This happens all over the world – it is customary to bring up daughters more strictly than sons. From early childhood, they are taught to give way, to listen carefully, not to swear or interrupt. No one expects such complaisance from boys. Girls are taught to be submissive and boys are taught to dominate.
As an adult, I constantly face the fact that men interrupt me. Out of curiosity, I even undertook to record all such cases in writing – and was surprised how often this happens. What is particularly striking is how often I am interrupted when there are other men around.
This annoying trend goes hand in hand with another – men who don’t make eye contact. For example, a waiter in a restaurant addresses only the man at the table and ignores his companion. Recently, in a company of five, where I was the only woman, one of the men simply pretended that I was not among them.
The woman speaks clearly and loudly, but no one hears her. When a man repeats the same thought, he is listened to attentively
These two ways of dominating a conversation are usually combined with one more. The woman speaks clearly and loudly, but no one seems to hear her – but after a couple of minutes, when the man repeats the same thought, they listen to him with full attention. And then they express approval or start arguing.
In one of the social networks, I came across this picture: a woman and five men are sitting at a round table. The caption under the picture reads: “This is an excellent offer, Miss Triggs. Maybe one of the men here would like to do it.” I don’t think there is at least one woman who hasn’t been in a similar situation.
The habit of interrupting and pushing long speeches is often observed in those whose social status is higher. For example, male doctors always interrupt patients – a female doctor rarely behaves like this. But patients do not hesitate to interrupt her.
Male bosses are rarely interrupted by their employees, but bosses are constantly interrupted by their male subordinates.
The same can be said about office workers. Male leaders are rarely interrupted by their employees, especially by women. But bosses are constantly interrupted by their male subordinates.
This manner of talking to women even has a special term – mansplaining (eng. “Speak condescendingly, teach life”).
A few years ago, the famous US statesman Larry Summers made a provocative statement: “Women can’t do math.” In response, scientist Ben Barres spoke publicly in an article about his experience in the scientific community – first as a woman, and later, after a sex change operation, as a man.
Barbara Barres was a student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. After solving a particularly difficult math problem, she heard from one of the professors: “Surely your boyfriend solved it for you.” A few years later, as a man, Ben gave a scientific speech to the professional community. The audience received him very well, and he heard one of the listeners say to another: “His scientific work is much better than that of his sister.”
Barres concluded by admitting that one unexpected perk of the sex change for him was the ability to “finish a whole sentence without a man interrupting me.”
It’s not hard to see why so many men tend to consider themselves geniuses, whose words have far more validity than a woman’s. It starts in childhood and never ends. Parents interrupt boys twice as often as girls. And they are less likely to follow the rules of courtesy.
As they grow up, these boys turn into men who talk longer and more than women—in classrooms, offices, government agencies, the media, not to mention religious organizations.
Women’s speech does not inspire such trust; in the eyes of society, it often lacks credibility. According to statistics, when a group gathers in a company to solve a work problem, men talk 75% more than women.
This is why, the researchers conclude, “having a seat at the table is not the same as having a voice at the table.” By the way, this often negatively affects the final decision.
Even on television, men are more likely to interrupt their fair sex counterparts and take up twice as much screen time. The same is repeated online – for example, on Twitter, people repost men twice as often as women.
Women, in order to achieve success, need to forget the norms learned in childhood and master the male manner of conducting a conversation.
As a result, adult women have to make a lot of effort in order to achieve success, learn how to negotiate, or at least demand higher pay, because they need to forget the norms learned in childhood and master the masculine manner of conducting a conversation.
Young mothers often ask me what to teach their daughters and what they themselves, adult women, can do to stand up for themselves, gain confidence in their voice and outlook on life. I answer the same to everyone – practice saying these words every day:
- “Do not interrupt me”.
- “I just said it.”
- “No explanation needed.”
I think these three phrases can benefit both girls and boys. And adults.
About the Author: Soraya Chemali is the Director of the WMC Speech Project. She writes about women’s rights, gender relations and gender inequality.