Three myths about child aggression

Myth 1. Let the children figure it out for themselves

Among many parents, it is widely believed that children, having quarreled or fought, should figure out what happened on their own. Indeed, it is important that the child himself learns to resolve his conflicts with peers. This applies to those children who will go to kindergarten, and those who are already attending school. But first you need to teach him this. Children are not born with the ability for conflict communication, their innate reaction is either to hit the forehead, or to cry, or to run away from sin. Constructive ways of interaction — to agree, exchange, play in turn — it would be good for a child to teach. And then he will be able to solve a difficult situation on his own. Let’s look at peaceful ways of interaction.

1. Swap toys

This skill can be taught to a child from a very young age — from the moment they enter the playground. No matter how many toys a child has, someone else’s is always the most desirable. This principle has not yet been changed by any mother, and is unlikely to succeed in the future. But you can skillfully use it: bring your toys to the playground and, when your child wants to play something else, feel free to offer an exchange.

True, there is one catch: different playgrounds have different rules. For example, parents may consider that all toys brought from home become common property. And exchange training is not welcome there. It is better to find out in advance.

What difficulties will you face? First, do not expect the child to instantly master the skill. You will need to repeat the same thing over and over. So be patient. But even after your child has already learned to change, you will regularly encounter other children who are not ready to exchange. Either they were not taught this way, or they do not want to give away their toy.

Explain this important point to your child: no one is obligated to share their toys. And this is not greed at all — you do not share your dresses with a friend and do not let her drive her car. Say, “See, this boy loves his car so much that he’s not ready to give it away. You also have a favorite thing — and we do not give it to anyone. Having learned to change, the child will also learn to appreciate other people’s property, as well as his own.

2. Play in turn

After the ability to exchange toys has been mastered, you can introduce the child to the concept of priority. After all, there are common areas for games on the site — these are slides, swings, stairs. And the child will have to share them with others. It will have to — like it or not, these are the rules.

The child will resist — offer him this order: “I count to ten — you swing on a swing, and then your friend swings ten more accounts. And so you can change several times.

It is especially worth being careful with a three-year-old, because for him to insist on his own is a matter of principle, an important skill at this age. On a walk with my three-year-old son, I always had a toy in my pocket, which the child obeyed better than me. After all, it is much more interesting to do something when your favorite crocodile calls you, and not your mother.

3. Agree

This is already a skill for five-year-olds. When they start role-playing with each other — you are a pirate and I am a bandit — they need to establish joint rules for the game. This is where the ability to negotiate with each other comes in handy. It is important that the child understands the value and importance of the rules in the game. This can be taught to him at home by playing competitive games with him.

For example: players take turns rolling a die and move forward by the number of spaces rolled. In this case, too, you may meet the resistance of the child: he will want to play faster, or walk backwards instead of walking forward, or refuse to skip a move, move the pieces a few steps back — it all depends on the game. And having lost at least once, he will strive to avoid this.

You will have to adhere to the golden mean: on the one hand, do not form an inferiority complex in the child, forcing him to play an unpleasant game with an expected loss; and on the other hand, do not follow his lead and do not give in. Still, the goal is to teach him to follow the rules and understand that playing together, obeying common requirements, is much more interesting. How to do it? Firmly and kindly explain: “This game can only be played according to these rules, there is no other way.”

It is important not to allow name-calling — “nothing to cheat”, “you are fooling me” and not to say that the child is bad or acted badly, just to remind that these are the rules. If the child insists, then calmly remove the game until better times. Without any comments. Upset — support: «Nothing, next time we’ll play when you’re ready to follow the rules.»

Why is this needed? Compliance with the rules in the game trains a very important skill of setting boundaries, frames. And also develops the ability to postpone their desires — the child wants to quickly, quickly reach the end and win. By following the rules, he learns reasonable restraint and patience, and most importantly, enjoy the very process of playing together. Of course, losing as a collision with one’s own imperfection is a disappointment for the baby.

The child will expect to be ridiculed. Show that it is important not to laugh at the one who lost, but to support him: “Yes, it’s sad, but you will still win” or “It happens, but I will still win.” And also rejoice with the one who won (“It’s great that you won” or “It’s great that I won, let’s rejoice”).

Watching the mother get upset at her loss, but at the same time rejoice for him, the child learns to do the same. The ability to rejoice in someone else’s victory will be very useful in adulthood. But don’t focus on the fact of losing/winning, as you form perfectionism. Don’t forget to remind your child of how fun and interesting it was for you to play. How valuable is the process of the game, and not just its result.

Myth 2. Let the child fight (give back) — he must stand up for himself

Let’s look at the situation realistically. It seems to me that boys (and some girls) cannot do without fights. In a male society, it is important to be able to use physical force. But the ability to fight does not include the thoughtless ability to hit another, but above all, the knowledge of in what situations it is necessary to demonstrate one’s strength, and in what situations it is unacceptable or simply dangerous.

I think that parents who distance themselves from a pugnacious offspring, allowing him to figure out the conflict situation himself, deprive the child of precisely this knowledge — how to distinguish between ways of behaving in different conflict situations. I don’t mean the rule “you can’t offend girls” — sometimes there are such girls that you just don’t know how to escape from them.

I mean purely boyish showdowns: when it is more important to convince with a word, when the use of force is dangerous, etc. Dear dads, your experience in this situation is simply invaluable for your sons. Children need to listen to the stories of adults about the situations they got into when they were little, what happened to them and what way they eventually found.

Even if you don’t remember your childhood, come up with something interesting and instructive. This is how you can convey to your children your vision of the world and the “correct” behavior in it. For a future man, it is important to be able to understand the situation — who is right and who is wrong; be able to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome of events.

You can’t learn all this with your fists — you have to compare, reason, draw conclusions. It is «men’s conversations» that can greatly contribute to the development of such a skill — this is your, dad’s, opportunity to convey your life experience to a child.

Myth 3. Jealousy between siblings is not serious.

Jealousy arises as a result of the stress of having a new family member. And most importantly, from the loss of the full attention of parents. And such stress is experienced by any older child at any age. It’s just that it’s expressed differently. If the children are of the weather, then the elder has few ways to express his feelings.

Most likely, a one and a half to two-year-old child will react to the appearance of a younger one with direct aggression. It will knock him (cause physical pain), prevent his mother from taking care of him, demand breasts while feeding the younger one … It is easier for the mother to react to all these manifestations — quite clear and understandable. Her task is to set aside time for personal communication, demonstrate her love more often and show that she is in direct access.

A child of 3-6 years old, most likely, has already learned to manipulate parents or passively express aggression. He can direct it at himself, that is, he will start to get sick, sleep badly, throw tantrums for no reason. Of course, he does this completely unconsciously. In this situation, the main thing is for the mother to understand that the elder needs her attention not only on days of illness.

Otherwise, the child will be affirmed in the idea that only illness can get her attention. The jealousy of the elder is often directed at the parents. A child may be offended by his mother and stop communicating with her confidentially, switching, for example, to his grandmother. At first glance, this behavior may seem convenient, but do not rejoice: inside the child is experiencing a break with his mother, and he needs all her attention. And mom will have to wade through his resentment in order to improve relationships and remove negative emotions.

The elder can get angry with dad: why didn’t he protect him from the appearance of an unnecessary baby in the family? And then dad will feel all the wrath of the child: he will defiantly stop communicating with him and will in every possible way curry favor with his mother. In this situation, the participation of not only dads, but also moms will be required. Already both parents will have to build relationships with the child and give him maximum attention, wading through his anger and resentment.

Of course, at this age, the older child can also express direct aggression. Only she will be more cunning and veiled — hugging her until she screams, helping her mother and “accidentally” dropping the baby, etc. fifteen minutes of full and undivided attention. Even if this attention consisted of screams and screams, and sometimes even slaps.

But for a child, any emotion of the mother is more important than the lack of attention: “Mom got angry, which means she cares about how I behave, and, probably, she still loves me.” After the age of six, the eldest child no longer needs the attention of his parents so much. At this age, communication with peers gradually comes to the fore. The important word is «gradually».

Because the child still needs both mom and dad. He needs to hear his story about what happened today. To talk about his friends and interests. To pay attention to his experiences. Without this, the process of gradual separation from the parents may become too abrupt; moreover, the child may consider the appearance of a baby in the family as the reason for such a sharp separation.

The elder will no longer, of course, cause physical harm to the baby. Most likely, his jealousy will be hidden deep inside, unconscious: something worries and worries, and what is not clear. At a later age, after eight or nine years, there is only one danger for the older child — that the parents will turn him into a free nanny for the younger or an au pair.

I even heard such statements from girls: “I don’t want my children, I ran after my younger brothers and sisters.” I recommend that parents remember that the birth of a child is, first of all, joys and difficulties for mom and dad, and then for all other family members.

Source: A. Kornienko’s book “Children’s aggression. Simple Ways to Correct Unwanted Child Behavior” (Rama Publishing, 2017).