Contents
Family life without sex is a fairly common phenomenon. What is the reason that it becomes rare or absent?
Coach and sexuality expert Irene Fair talks about the mistakes that make intimacy go to waste.
Mistake 1: believing that sexual desire should arise spontaneously
The phrase «Honey, why don’t we have sex?» kills libido in most women. Since the time of Freud, there has been an opinion that there is only one type of libido — spontaneous. You have decided that you want sex and it turns you on.
Male desire usually arises in this way. But women who come for consultations say that they literally freeze when they hear such a proposal from their husband. Moreover, they also blame themselves and are afraid that something is wrong with them, since they cannot instantly become aroused, despite the love for their partner.
For women, sex is impossible without a state of emotional and physical openness, which cannot be caused by an effort of will.
The female libido is different. Emotional, psychological, energetic and physical stimulation is important here, excitement is born due to deep connection, mutual care, tenderness and exchange of desires.
Often, manifestations of tenderness in a couple come down to a short foreplay, and this kills desire in women. It needs to be awakened, not demanded to appear at the snap of a finger. For women, sex is impossible without a state of emotional and physical openness, which cannot be caused by an effort of will.
Women who do not understand the mechanism of libido believe that it is enough to get a little excited to have sex. They do not even imagine that it is possible to achieve complete arousal, and then sex will bring satisfaction and joy, and real intimacy will arise between partners.
When working with couples, we study the dynamics of arousal and train to arouse sexual desire. When women understand how to achieve maximum arousal and deep sexual satisfaction, their libido becomes more spontaneous.
Mistake 2: the desire for orgasm
At the beginning of the novel, passionate sex happens because we are open and curious. But time passes, and we stop studying each other: it seems to us that we already know our partner enough, which means we can please him. It kills desire, especially in women. The feeling of unity in sex is lost, and there is nothing left but the ultimate goal — to achieve orgasm. My mission is to help couples rekindle curiosity and excitement, add passion to the relationship to ignite desire.
Mistake 3: touching for the sake of touching
Touch is the way to connect, it excites. But if for you they are only necessary elements on the path to sex, their magical power is lost. They are important not only for women, but also for men. Having learned to «receive» touch, men gain the ability to hold sensations in the body, and sexual intercourse becomes longer.
It’s time to get rid of stereotypes and understand that men and women are built differently. Women are not ready for spontaneous sex, they are more concerned about the process than the result, touch for them is something more than an element of sexual contact.
About the author: Irene Fair is a coach.