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How much easier it would be to communicate if both men and women sought to understand each other better! The author of this article explains why men hate to be wrong, why they get angry when women are nervous or upset, and why they show less concern for love and relationships than their partners.
1. Why do men hate being wrong?
You and your partner are driving a car through an unfamiliar city. According to the guide, you should have arrived half an hour ago. It is quite clear that your companion is lost. It is also clear that you are late. You timidly turn to him and say, “Honey, why don’t we stop and find out how to get there?”
And, to your surprise, he answers you with such anger and irritation, as if you said: “Darling, why don’t you cut off your arms and legs?” You hear things like: “Listen, who is driving, you or me?”, “I know this street must be around here somewhere. If you do not interfere with me, I will find her”, “Well, we turn and go home.”
And so, sitting in a car and looking at a partner who suddenly turned into a stubborn, aggressive monster, you think to yourself: “Well, if I got lost, I would calmly ask how to get there. Why can’t he admit he’s wrong?
Men don’t like being told they’re wrong, they hate even the thought of being wrong. And most of all they hate when women find out before them that they are wrong. Remember that this makes men feel like they “did something wrong,” even when you don’t tell them at all.
When a woman innocently suggests that her husband do something differently or gives information that she thinks should help him, he does not hear what she says. He hears, “You made a mistake. You’re not good enough.”
Having received a negative assessment, a man feels that he is not trusted, they do not believe in him.
When you say, “Maybe if you talk to your boss and explain the situation to him, he will reschedule your project,” all he hears is, “You’re a loser. You can’t do anything in time.”
Blocks and constructors, models of airplanes and cars – all this presupposes activity, some kind of final product. Self-esteem of men directly depends on their achievements.
I will never forget the day I first figured out this man’s secret. My husband wrote a report and asked me to comment. I read it and noted a few inaccuracies and weaknesses, hoping that my analysis would help him improve his work.
The further he read my notes, the darker and colder he became.
After several hours of useless bickering, I suddenly realized the true reason for what was happening – having received a negative assessment from me, he felt like a person who was not trusted, who was not believed in. When we calmed down and discussed what had happened, he helped me understand how important it is for men to feel that they are believed in, and how easy it is to hurt them with distrust.
What to do?
1. Avoid using words that offend men.
Important! I’m not suggesting tiptoeing around men and avoiding negative reactions to their actions, or sugar-coating this criticism so as not to hurt their feelings. I suggest a reasonable style of communication. Of course, if a man offended you – do not think about his reaction, defend yourself.
2. Praise the man.
You may think that you are praising him enough, but it may happen that you are not praising him for what he would like to. And remember: do not believe if you are told that they do not need support or praise. I know exactly what they need.
2. Why do men hate it when women get upset or nervous?
Around seven in the evening, Max returns home from work, Lara sets the table.
— Darling, how are you? he asks his wife, and, to his surprise, she suddenly bursts into tears.
“It’s terrible,” she says, sobbing. I can’t take it anymore, Alice has turned into a monster. I’ve tried everything this week and it’s completely out of control. She doesn’t listen to me at all. I can not do anything. When did we make a mistake?
“Well, honey, sit down and calm down. Tears won’t help anything,” Max replies judiciously in a flat voice. – Wipe your nose and let’s discuss everything. I think we can find the right solution.
“But you have no idea what it was,” Lara cries. Nothing affects her…
A few minutes pass, and Lara jumps out of the kitchen and falls on the sofa, sobbing. She feels alone.
Have you ever shared your sadness or fears with a man, in response you heard only accusations of excessive emotionality and whims?
When you share problems with a man, he does not hear what you are saying. He hears: “Help me!”, “Save me!”, “Do it for me!” And you, like any woman, want to be reassured, pitied, hugged, listened to, comforted and told that everything will be fine. Instead, you get: advice, questions, notations, reproaches for a bad mood.
You want love, he answers you with logic. You want him to act like a “mother” to you, but he is more like a father.
They are not angry at you, but because they cannot find a solution and feel stupid
Men are always decision oriented. When a partner sees you upset, the “automatic” turns on in his head, and he thinks: “Decision … decision.” He will either ask questions about the merits of the problem, or he will look sad and thoughtful. You think that he is an insensitive chump, and he will strive to be a knight in shining armor for you, who has come to save you.
They are not angry with you – they are angry because:
- feel responsible for making decisions;
- can’t find a solution and feel stupid, like they’ve let you down.
One man with whom I spoke on this subject told me: “When my wife comes to me with her problems, it is very difficult for me. If someone offended her, I get angry at that person, and then get annoyed, because I also begin to feel pain. And if she’s upset about something I did, I’m angry at myself for causing her trouble, and, oddly enough, at her for being upset because I feel like a fool in this situation.
For men, the expression of feelings such as helplessness or fear is possible only if their affairs are really very bad. So he, seeing you upset, decides that you must be having a nervous breakdown! Men also decide that once you start crying, there’s no stopping you.
That is why they say: “Please don’t start these showdowns now – we don’t have time”, “Well, it has begun, now you won’t calm down until nightfall.”
What men don’t realize is that women are much more emotionally flexible than men and are able to quickly regain their mental strength.
This means that a woman who has just cried may be ready to make love the next moment. Just now we were angry, and a minute later we forgave everything. Men take much longer to move from one emotional state to another.
What to do?
1. When you are upset about something, tell your partner exactly what you want from them.
Say, “I know you’re tired, so I won’t take more than five minutes, but I need to tell you this today.” Men feel comfortable operating within certain limits. Therefore, if you set a time limit for sorting out the relationship, the man will feel more calm and confident and will listen to you more readily.
2. When upset about something, do not try to exaggerate the degree of your experience – a man will understand you literally.
Sally complains to her husband about her difficulties in organizing the restaurant: “I just don’t know what to do. I was completely lost. I’m just going crazy.”
When Sally finished talking, she felt better, and he was just creepy. He thought to himself, “Man, Sally is really bad. She was completely bewildered. Obviously, she will not withstand this load. But what am I to do? Maybe she’s having a nervous breakdown?
When you say: “I can’t do this anymore,” your man believes that you really can’t do this anymore. When you say, “I feel that you don’t love me,” he really thinks you feel it.
3. Why men don’t seem to care about relationships
“When I come home in the evening, I can’t wait to see my husband. But when he comes home, he does not express much delight when he sees me. I don’t understand what’s the matter.”
We women tend to interpret this difference in priorities as follows: we love men more than they love us. This is not necessarily the case! But for sure, if a man experiences difficulties at work and is not sure of his ability to achieve success, he will not be able to concentrate his attention on relationships with a woman.
If your husband is having problems at work, or he is worried about a project, or worried about money, or is unhappy with the lack of promotion prospects, emotionally he will never belong to you 100%. All his attention, all intellectual energy, all consciousness will be constantly absorbed by the problems associated with work, regardless of his desire. Until he achieves success, it is difficult for him to relax.
This does not mean that he is not interested in you, does not love you, or does not need you. It doesn’t even mean that he cares more about his job than about you. It’s just that his position at work matters more to his self-esteem than his relationship with you.
It is difficult for women to understand and accept this truth. Our values are very different from men’s, and no matter how successful we are in our careers, we won’t feel good if things don’t work out in our personal lives. For a woman, spending time with her beloved man is a pleasure, a reward, a rest, but not a hindrance. Therefore, we also want men to cast aside their worries and sorrows, throw themselves into our arms and find solace in our love. After all, this is exactly what we do ourselves when we come home in the evening. And we ask ourselves: can’t a man do the same? The answer is unequivocal: no!
What to do?
1. Pay attention to how your partner relaxes best after work: exercising, walking, relaxing in silence, music, meditation, massage. Watching TV news or reading newspapers are not the best ways to relax, as they require active mental activity and attention.
2. Don’t burden him with emotional problems and worries as soon as he crosses the threshold of the house. Give him time to readjust. Don’t forget that all of this applies equally to you. Remember that even if you also worked all day, it is easier for you to relax and tune in emotionally than your companion.
About the Author: Barbara de Angelis is a family relationship consultant and #1 New York Times Author, with all 15 of her books bestsellers.