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Accept yourself — what does it mean? Appreciate all your manifestations? Take care of the body? Stop pretending to be someone else? In fact, self-acceptance is the rejection of enmity with oneself. What are the limits of acceptance? And why do we need this skill so much?
First level
To be on your side, that is, to be for yourself
In the most fundamental sense, self-acceptance is associated with an attitude of self-worth, which is rooted in the fact that I am alive and aware. This is an act of self-affirmation, a kind of natural egoism given to every person from birth. But we all have the power to act against him.
Some people go to such a degree of self-denial that it becomes impossible to work on personal growth. And until the problem is solved, no treatment will give a lasting effect, no new knowledge will be assimilated, no serious progress will come. Therapists who do not understand this will be at a loss as to why the client, after so many years of therapy, does not improve significantly.
Self-acceptance is the rejection of enmity with oneself
The basic attitude of self-acceptance is what a true psychotherapist seeks to awaken in a person, even with very low self-esteem. Such an attitude can inspire awareness of the main internal problem, so that the patient does not begin to hate himself, deny his value as a person, or kill the will to live.
«I will value myself, treat myself with respect and defend the right to exist.» This is the primary act of self-affirmation — the soil on which the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe self grows and develops.
Self-esteem can sleep for a long time, and then suddenly wake up. She fights for our lives when we fall into despair. When we are on the verge of suicide, she can make us pick up the phone and call for help. From the abyss of depression or anxiety, it can lead us to the therapist’s office. After years of humiliation, she suddenly makes us exclaim: «No!» It is the voice of the life force. This is selfishness in the noblest sense of the word.
Second level
Accept your feelings, thoughts, actions
Self-acceptance is associated with the will to realize thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, that is, to include them in one’s own reality, without denying or avoiding. We think what we think, we feel what we feel, we want what we want, we did what we did, we are who we are.
It is a refusal to view any part of oneself — the body, emotions, thoughts, actions, dreams — as something alien, «not-self». This is the desire to experience in practice, and not to reject any facts of one’s existence at a particular moment: “think one’s thoughts”, own one’s feelings, be present in the reality of one’s behavior.
The desire to experience and accept feelings does not imply that actions are determined by emotions.
Today I am not in the mood to work, but I acknowledge my feelings, accept them, and go to work. The mind is clear because I didn’t start the day with self-deception. By accepting negative feelings as a whole, we are often able to get rid of them. They had their say and then stepped out of the limelight.
Self-acceptance is the willingness to say of any emotion or behavior, “This is an expression of me. I don’t necessarily admire her, but she still shows me — at least for the moment.» This is the dignity of being a realist, that is, respecting reality in relation to oneself.
If I think about what is bothering me, then I really think about it — I fully accept the reality of my being. If I feel pain, anger, fear, incomprehensible passion, I feel them. What’s true is true, and I don’t rationalize, I don’t deny, I don’t try to justify myself. I feel what I feel, accepting the reality of my existence.
If I do things for which I then become ashamed, the fact remains: I did them.
This is the reality, and I do not try to deceive the mind in order to erase it from my head: what is, is. «Accept» is more than just «accept» or «accept». It means to experience, to be in the face of reality, to examine it closely and introduce it into one’s own consciousness. I must open up and give myself fully to unwanted emotions, and not just superficially acknowledge their existence.
For example, my wife asks me: “How do you feel?”, And I coldly answer: “Terrible.” She says sympathetically, «I see you’re really depressed today.» Then I sigh, the tension leaves the body.
And already in a completely different tone of a person who has become real for himself, I say: “Yes, I feel unhappy, really unhappy.” Then I start talking about what worries me. When I said the word «terrible», my body tensed to resist accepting the sensations — I rejected the emotions while confessing them.
My wife’s compassionate response helped me test them, clear the way for myself.
Experiencing your feelings has a direct healing property. Self-acceptance is a prerequisite for change and growth. Having accepted the mistake I made, I am free to learn the lesson and not repeat it in the future. You can’t learn from «unaccepted» mistakes.
I can’t forgive myself for an act I don’t recognize as mine. If I refuse to accept the fact that I often live irresponsibly, how can I learn responsibility? If I refuse to accept the fact that I often live passively, how can I learn to be active?
I can’t overcome the fear that I deny is real. I will not be able to fix the problem in relations with colleagues if I do not recognize its existence. I can’t change bad character traits if I deny them. I can’t forgive myself for an act that I don’t recognize as mine.
The word «accept» does not necessarily mean «like», «enjoy» or «approve». I can accept what is, and resolutely abstract from what is happening. It is not acceptance but denial that prevents me from moving forward. I can’t honestly stand up for myself and build self-esteem if I don’t accept myself.
Third level
Be your own friend
Suppose I have done something I regret or am ashamed of, and now I reproach myself for it. Self-acceptance does not deny reality, but analyzes the context of the act. It wants to get an answer to the question «Why?». Desires to know why something wrong or unworthy was felt to be desirable, adequate, or even necessary at the time it was done.
We do not understand another person if we only know that his act was wrong, evil, destructive. Internal factors must also be taken into account. There is always a context within which even the most hostile actions have their own meaning.
To understand is not to justify. But be kind to yourself
This has nothing to do with trying to find excuses, to evade responsibility. Such an accepting, compassionate interest not only discourages unwanted behavior, but reduces the likelihood of it happening again.
If we wish to rebuke others or encourage them to correct their mistakes, we must strive to do so in a way that does not damage self-esteem. After all, the further behavior of people will be determined by their self-image. We should show the same benevolence towards ourselves. Such is the virtue of self-esteem.
An exercise
Stand in front of a large mirror (preferably completely naked) and carefully examine your face and body. Note how you feel. Are you comfortable? Most people find it difficult to look at certain parts of their body for more than a second because what they see is disturbing or upsetting.
Perhaps you are too fat or thin? Or do you see signs of aging that cause unbearable thoughts, emotions? Perhaps you want to flee from awareness, to reject, reject, disown some aspects of your «I».
And yet, as an experiment, I ask you to keep your eyes on the reflection for a few more moments, saying to yourself: “Whatever my shortcomings and imperfections, I accept myself completely and unconditionally.”
Stay focused, breathe deeply and calmly repeat these words over and over again for two minutes. Feel their deep meaning.
Perhaps the inner “I” will protest: “But I don’t like my body! How can I accept it completely and unconditionally?”
«Accept» does not mean «love». Acceptance does not mean that we cannot imagine or desire change and improvement. It only says that a fact is a fact, and it should not be denied and avoided.
In our case, this means taking the face and body in the mirror. They are what they are. If you stop resisting reality, open yourself up to awareness (which is what acceptance ultimately means), you may feel a little relaxed. You will be more comfortable on your own.
Now you are able to say, “Here and now, this is me. And I don’t deny it, I accept myself.» This is respect for reality. By doing this exercise for two minutes every morning and evening for two weeks, people soon begin to feel the relationship between self-acceptance and self-esteem. Is it possible to imagine that we love ourselves if we despise our reflection in the mirror?
By accepting themselves, people make another important discovery. They not only establish a more harmonious relationship with themselves, feel an increase in their effectiveness and self-esteem, but also acquire a strong motivation for change. We have no incentive to change what we deny is a reality. By accepting an event or phenomenon, we become stronger and more focused. Cursing and resisting, we deprive ourselves of strength.
About the Author: Nathaniel Branden is a psychotherapist, writer, self-esteem expert, and author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.