Three levels of financial relationships in a couple

Money has long been a resource that can be obtained by both men and women. But the attitude towards him is different, so family harmony often depends on what cycle of financial development the couple is in and whether these cycles coincide for a man and a woman.

Modern family life is different from the scenario according to which humanity evolved. Many services have appeared that have taken over the provision of everyday issues, and we have more time and opportunities. Therefore, the masculine and feminine principles are manifested now in a completely different way than a hundred years ago. Couples reach a new level: they begin to communicate more and appreciate a person in a partner, and not any resource. From this follows the desire to reasonably negotiate with each other in any matters, including financial ones.

But in order for agreements to be reached and fulfilled, the couple should be strong, the spouses must be on the same level of attitude towards money and be able to determine each other’s financial “risk profile”.

Level One: Patriarchal Inheritance

At a basic level, money is a cult. The archaic worship of the golden calf is still common today. Family capital here is formed by one member of the couple, more often a man. This is a very authoritarian story, because only the earner decides how much money to allocate for the family, what to spend it on, etc. A woman in such a culture is directly “excommunicated” from the resource extraction process, so she usually deifies the male miner and at the same time hates him, realizing that she cannot survive on her own. This is a classic stockholm syndrome situation.

But, oddly enough, a basic attitude towards money can make a marriage very strong – of course, if both spouses are in the same development cycle. Then no one disputes the established hierarchy and the idea of ​​divorce does not occur to anyone. If one of the spouses has moved to a new level of attitude towards money, conflicts in the family become inevitable.

Second level: unfavorable exchange rate

At the second level, there is a struggle for a resource between husband and wife. Each of them wants to single-handedly manage all the income, while suppressing the partner and feeling independent.

The whole life of such a couple is an exchange of some resources for others at different rates, which depend on social stereotypes. For example, sex appeal trades for comfort and stability, the birth of a child for guaranteed security, and so on. It is at this level that the couple usually experiences the most acute conflicts. They occur due to intuitive disagreement with the “internal courses” of the partner.

If the breadwinner in the family is a man, then he runs the risk of becoming the hero of jokes about sex. This currency eventually begins to depreciate in his eyes, and its rate falls. The female breadwinner has even more problems with the internal exchange rate. Any man who is inferior to her in terms of income automatically becomes a regular client of a psychoanalyst due to the eternal neurosis caused by an inferiority complex and the destruction of identity.

Of course, this does not add strength to the relationship. Moreover, modern women are often guided by two financial stereotypes: a man should earn more and all his money should be considered the general means of the family (as opposed to the personal income of a woman).

The line of conflicts at the second level of relations runs along the border “should – I expect.” Therefore, the couples who ended up here need to be able to negotiate, regardless of social conventions and cultural traditions. Or clearly define the hierarchy in matters related to money, delineate rights and obligations. A good way out of the situation can be, for example, a marriage contract.

Third level: equality

People who have passed to this level feel equal in any respect, including financial ones. A couple usually has some kind of common interest or common cause that allows both to develop. A man and a woman are together not because of a resource, but because they look in the same direction. They are not interested in the customs that have developed in society, they themselves form norms for themselves, based on individual freedom and respect for each other.

The money they earn is the fuel that allows them to move on. Common interest, common priorities leave no room for disputes about how to spend the funds remaining after payment of household expenses. They have a goal that is more important than resource issues, so a man and a woman can easily agree on controversial issues.

The family budget of such a couple is not difficult to build. A man and a woman agree that each of them deducts, for example, 50% of income to a common family account, and leaves everything else for personal expenses.

This scheme works in any scenario, even if one of the spouses has no income. The family is perceived as a common project. The distribution of the family budget is also a joint matter. 10-20% should be immediately set aside and invested, and the rest should be divided between necessary purchases, paying bills, spending on entertainment, etc.

With this approach, you do not have to give the entire salary to your wife or agree on who buys what for the house. A shared budget that absorbs only a portion of personal income is transparent to both spouses, it eliminates conflicts and strengthens the marriage. But such an ideal scheme only works if both spouses are on the same third level of financial relations.