Contents
- Condition No. 1: We need to feel solid ground under our feet, live among familiar and understandable realities and know what we can rely on in case of trouble.
- Condition No. 2 We need to experience the fullness of feelings, impressions that fill us with strength and desires; love life, whatever it may be, celebrate it, not be bored.
- Condition #3 We need to have the right to be ourselves and be considered by other people.
What does a child need to develop fully and perceive his life as happy? Children easily read the perceptions of their parents. If the parents believe that they are living “well”, this feeling will be transmitted to the child. But what does it mean to «live well»? And what are the conditions for such a life?
When we are calm and happy, it is easy for us to understand and accept our children — any. But it often happens otherwise: our impression of the child is distorted by our unconscious expectations and unmet needs. We transfer our deficit of anything to our children. We begin to see «shortcomings» and «imperfections» in them. And thus we prevent the child from developing at his own pace.
How to learn to look at the child openly and impartially? Attentively, interested and without suspicion? In every situation, before you start looking for the answer to the question “How is he doing?”, It is worth asking yourself: “How am I doing now?”
“The ability to take yourself into account and stay in touch with yourself is a very important parenting skill,” emphasize psychologists Svetlana Krivtsova and Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “Isn’t this a manifestation of selfishness? No, this is not selfishness, but reality. Our feelings, our mood, our thoughts are the only way to our own world with all its significant relationships.
Rejecting «inappropriate» feelings or thoughts, not paying attention to your mood — this means not seeing reality. The more precisely we understand ourselves (and for this we need to draw benevolent, friendly attention to ourselves and get used to taking care of ourselves), the more confidently we take care of ourselves and gradually switch such correct attention to our child.
We learn to accept what is and make compromises because we want to live on.
Being in touch with yourself while doing something useful, like taking care of a child, is the greatest art of living well. But in order to feel good about your life, three essential conditions must be met.
Condition No. 1: We need to feel solid ground under our feet, live among familiar and understandable realities and know what we can rely on in case of trouble.
It is important for us to feel like someone who can calmly «stay in the saddle.» The need for this experience makes us learn to look around us and see the essence of things. We are forced to be interested in the world around us in order to experience less unpleasant confusion and uncertainty.
To live well, we need to feel secure, rooted in the world. When this does not happen, we involuntarily direct our vital forces and resources to creating these conditions. We learn to accept what is and make compromises because we want to live on.
The same thing happens in relationships with children. The better we know and understand our child, his character, physiology, dynamics of emotions, his addictions and abilities, the clearer we understand how to behave with him in a given situation. The more experience in raising children, the more authoritative judgments. “I’m not a sorceress yet, I’m just learning,” any mother can say about herself, but someday she will become a grandmother.
After all, real grandmothers are an example of the first condition for a good life: they are very comfortable and firmly settled in it, unhurried and calm, they are not easy to piss off, they know how to accept, they are insightful and grasp the essence of things.
Do you know the main magic words of such grandmothers? «It is what it is». So, apparently, love speaks.
Condition No. 2 We need to experience the fullness of feelings, impressions that fill us with strength and desires; love life, whatever it may be, celebrate it, not be bored.
If life provides such an opportunity, one can feel gratitude towards it; if it takes away, mourn the loss of values and, thanks to this spiritual work, remain alive, give birth and preserve something good.
To keep our hearts open to all that life brings, it is important to pay attention to intimacy and care for relationships. In parenthood and partnership, that is, in the most important aspects of life, feelings can become our allies and powerful secret helpers.
But for this we must notice them and understand that there are no bad feelings. You can do bad things, but feelings have the right to be anything — they are free! Trust in your feelings turns life into a beautiful musical symphony. It flows not only around us, but also inside — we are alive because we feel.
We experience especially painful when we are offended by those we love.
For a good life, it is important to be able to feel joy and sadness, accepting both the good things that have adorned our lives, and the fact that everything comes to an end and we have to part with the good.
Condition #3 We need to have the right to be ourselves and be considered by other people.
Resentment tells us that this important condition for a good life has been violated. This feeling is always associated with other people, and we feel especially painful when we are offended by those we love.
To live with people in such a way as not to allow them to violate our borders, and not to sacrifice ourselves ourselves — this requires strength of character, intelligence, courage and perseverance. We need to learn how to do this delicately, using patience and generosity.
Then we will calmly talk about misunderstandings, mutual expectations and disappointments. And then we will achieve real mastery of life in society. Children need parents who have mastered them at least to some extent.
For more information on how to bring these conditions to life, read the book by Svetlana Krivtsova and Galiya Nigmetzhanova “The Art of Understanding a Child. 7 steps to a good life” (Clever, 2018).