Three cheating myths

“8 Ways to Keep a Man”, “How to Save a Marriage” – trainings and seminars on similar topics are often based on the idea of ​​control in a relationship. Many believe that it is in our power to control the “quality of the relationship” and that it is primarily up to us whether the partner will cheat. In my opinion, this belief is based on three myths. More precisely, these are not entirely myths, sometimes they turn out to be true, but they become a problem when we consider each betrayal through their prism. The human experience is much more diverse than our ideas about it.

Myth #1: “Cheating happens because of relationship problems”

And really, can there be a place for betrayal in a happy marriage? And doesn’t the fact of infidelity automatically mean a failed marriage? Sometimes not. Often the wrong partner is not going to destroy the relationship, moreover, they are dear to him. In our culture, it is very difficult to accept the idea that infidelity happens in marriages that do not have serious problems. In fact, there is no relationship without problems. Take a closer look at the union, which seemed strong yesterday, but today it cracked, and there will definitely be some explanation.

Changed because she is older than him. Or he earns little. Or they have different social status. Perhaps she (he) needed to suppress emotions less. The list is endless. The partner begins to sink into the abyss of guilt, even if up to this point he did not consider these circumstances a problem. And soon he asks questions: what happened all these years? Just an illusion? And there was no happy marriage?

And although cheating is something that a person seems to be doing in relation to his partner, in fact this act is far from always about a partner. Sometimes it’s an outlet for a very deep personal conflict. Since childhood, each of us has been constantly faced with a dilemma – to choose the safety of a mother’s embrace or the risky exploration of the world.

The ancient Greeks saw this splitting of needs in the images of Apollo (as a rational part) and Dionysus (sensual). Belgian sexologist and psychotherapist Esther Perel, in her book The State of Affair: Rethinking Infidelity, looks at this dilemma in the context of partnerships. We can strive for both novelty and stability at the same time. We value reliable relationships, the rear, which does not prevent us from rushing to learn something new.

Our inner Apollo – a reasonable, judicious principle – requires constancy, and our inner Dionysus – sharpness and variety of experiences, sensuality. The modern concept of relationships suggests that in one person we must find everything – emotions, and reliability, and sexuality, and intimacy – if only because we, like never before, are free to start novels and complete them. But this, of course, is an illusion.

Different parts of our “I” cannot simultaneously receive satisfaction in marriage – at least automatically. It hurts to realize, but such is the reality of life. Some try to resolve this dilemma in a polygamous relationship, but such a compromise has many pitfalls. And by the way, keep in mind: “I’m polygamous, but my wife doesn’t know” – this is not an open marriage. As soon as the infidelity becomes known, the personal conflict instantly turns into an interpersonal one, and then the question “what is wrong between us” comes to the fore. Although until the moment when an accidental SMS or someone else’s thing was found in the spouse’s car, this was an internal conflict of one person, in fact, very indirectly related to the partner.

From this myth follows the second, which can become destructive for the one who has been cheated on.

Myth #2: “Partners are cheated on because something is missing”

Remember the anecdote about the man who lost his keys in the forest, but looked for them under the light of a lantern on the street, because it was brighter there? This is often done by a person who has learned about the infidelity of a partner. First of all, he begins to delve into himself: “I spent little time”, “I have grown old (a)”, “I do not satisfy him (her) in bed.”

The bitter truth is that a person sometimes enters into a relationship on the side, unconsciously rebelling against what he values ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbmost in his partner. Imagine a woman who has a wonderful husband, two children, this friendly family has experienced a lot of good and hard things together. This woman madly appreciates the care and attention of her partner. And at the same time, this courtesy and well-organized structure of his suppresses her. A woman falls in love with some gouging locksmith who does not have a permanent job and the wind walks in his head.

She, of course, feels great guilt, but at the same time an incredible lift: this novel helped her feel that she was alive again! She discovered something new in herself, she never thought she was capable of it. But at the same time, she really appreciates what is in marriage. He is incredibly important to her. It’s just that some part of her “I” could not manifest itself in these stable relationships.

Each of our friends, lover reflects something special in us. Sometimes things we didn’t even know existed. It is difficult to come to terms with the idea that some other, outsider has discovered in a partner something that you yourself could not discover. It’s a painful experience, especially for men who suddenly realize, “I thought she didn’t want sex, but it turns out she doesn’t want to have sex with me.”

And it happens that a person “goes to the side” not because he cannot find a home, but because he does not want to find a home. Let’s say a man does not want certain emotions in the family because of the fear that they (emotions) will destroy this couple, a couple that he values ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbso much. You can love staying in hotels and not want to live there at all. You can cherish a partner in whom everything suits, but at the same time have other relationships.

Myth #3: “Male and female infidelity are different in essence”

Men go for it easily and for the sake of drive, and women only when they feel an emotional connection, the social stereotype tells us. In reality, both men and women have emotional and sexual needs.

But society, as we know, looks rather condescendingly on how a man satisfies both of them – having a reliable rear in the form of a family and sexual adventures on the side. But a woman is required to sacrifice her sexual interests for the sake of her family.

In fact, the role of a caring mother, which is most often chosen by a woman, turns out to be a real anti-aphrodisiac in partnerships, but one way or another, when choosing between emotional adventures and reliability, a woman makes a choice not in favor of Dionysus. Responsibility for others prevents her from focusing on her desires. An endless series of duties and schedules is not the habitat of Eros. It’s not good or bad, it’s just the way it is, good or bad, that fish can’t live on land?

Reconciling erotica with domestic security and comfort is not a problem to be solved, it is a paradox that needs to be dealt with somehow. And how exactly – in the form of denial or restriction of their desires, polygamous relationships, open marriage – this is up to everyone to decide for themselves. And no one can decide it for another.