Most people are well aware of the ten commandments and that we must not covet the things of others. It can refer to anything from a pair of fancy shoes to someone else’s spouse. But can you stop yourself from wanting? And how can a deeper understanding of the issue help maintain fidelity in a marriage?
Wanting and wanting something are two different things. This is how the brain works: having noticed something that it likes very much, it begins to want it, even if it is someone else’s and we already have something similar.
Feeling desire is normal. What is more important is what we do with desire.
The majority understands that it is wrong to take someone else’s for many reasons, and by a conscious (although often not conscious) effort, they stop themselves. If we talk about the commandment «Do not covet», then its essence, in my opinion, is a little different.
Understanding this difference will affect whether spouses will be faithful to each other. Internal sexuality has no idea about the concept of monogamy, moral principles or God’s covenants.
That part of our brain that is responsible for sexual desire understands only that the desire has arisen: “I want, and that’s it”
So if you suddenly think about betrayal, which could potentially destroy a marriage, remember the tenth commandment. Yes, wanting something is natural, it doesn’t make you a bad person.
But to covet something means to convince yourself that you have a right to something that does not belong to you.
At the moment when you say to yourself: “I deserve to get what I want, but I want this, even though it’s not mine,” you cross a thin but clear line between “wanted” and “decided to take.”
And I think the tenth commandment is meant to remind us of just that: we must carefully set boundaries for ourselves. Especially when it comes to starting a relationship, even if just for one night, with another person, if we have a partner.
This understanding may not just save us from taking a step that we are very likely to regret later. It can save a marriage.
About the author: Steven Schneider is a psychiatrist and sex therapist.