Those who are waiting for their princess

Alexey moves around Moscow in a black MINI. A 42-year-old man meets interesting women, gives them flowers, arranges romantic meetings by candlelight, bombards them with tender SMS messages … How many of them were there in his life? He dreams that someday his car will park in front of the only house where she, his princess, will live…

Roman, 39, is a fashion photographer. Almost every day, pretty girls-models pose in front of his camera lens, but he needs only one – the one that will make him forget about all the others. Oleg, 35, also hopes so: “I believe that there is a woman in the world who is meant only for me.”

Alexey, Roman and Oleg have different life stories: the first is a widower, the second is divorced, the third is a bachelor. Each had one-night stands and long-term (quite comfortable) relationships with different women, which, however, did not touch their hearts. Today, all three live in anticipation of “true love.”

It is customary to think that only women dream of a fabulous partner, because the search for a romantic ideal seems to correspond only to their sensual essence. Indeed, most girls grow up with a dream of a handsome prince who will certainly defeat the terrible dragon, free them from captivity and subdue them with his courage and beauty. And while they try on fairy tales, the boys run around the yard, play war, imagine themselves as superheroes, fight, master the computer and, it seems, they simply don’t think about feelings.

Actually it is not. “In most fairy tales, the main character is a princess, and the prince is just an element of her destiny,” explains the Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. — But this does not prevent children from identifying themselves with each of the characters. Indeed, in childhood it does not matter what gender the beloved hero is, the main thing is that he (or she) be positive, kind, strong, beautiful and help the weak. Thus, boys can also try on the image of a fairy princess.”

They also dream

Therefore, growing up, the boys secretly dream of their beautiful lady, in other words, of the ideal woman, wife. “For a man, she is both a great dream and the goal of life, even if he does not realize it,” Lev Khegay explains. “For her sake, he is ready to fight in knightly tournaments and perform feats, it is she who often gives meaning to his life, inspires him to accomplish.” But upbringing and stereotypes do not allow talking about it openly.

“Often, men cannot even admit to themselves that they have a strong craving for a romantic ideal,” Lev Khegay continues. “They use various forms of psychological defense, including quite cynical ones: for example, jokes about blondes.” In a sense, the blonde is the same princess, a girl with long golden hair, completely unadapted to earthly life. This is an attractive image for men at all times.

Contradictory dream image

Choosing a favorite heroine from popular children’s fairy tales, Alexey stops at the Sleeping Beauty: “Before the prince kissed her, she seemed not to have lived. It would be nice to know what will happen to them after the wedding … “Roman, remembering Snow White, gives her an unflattering characterization:” She is rustic and naive, always in the clouds … No, I would not mess with such a girl, I prefer women, as they say , with understanding: there is still something to talk about with them.

“Young fairy princesses have little life experience,” confirms psychotherapist Yulia Kazakevich, “and their judgments are far from reality. One who is quite successful and has achieved a lot in life can dream of such a princess. These are, as a rule, mature, energetic, powerful men, those who exude strength and reliability.

Roman dreams of a woman who “has a strong character and an unconventional outlook on life, she must clearly know what she is striving for and push me in the right direction.” Oleg sees his ideal chosen one as “independent and generous”, Alexei wants her to “know how to listen to him and not be afraid to argue with him.”

In general, a dream girl is an extremely controversial image. On the one hand, she should be a guiding star, on the other hand, protection, support and a good hostess who knows how to create home comfort.

Looking for mother

“Among the audience of the musical “Beauty and the Beast” today you can see a lot of single men,” says Lev Khegay. – Why? After all, it would seem more logical to assume that a fabulous spectacle would rather attract dreamy women or young romantic couples. I think the self-perception of a man who unconsciously perceives himself as some kind of bewitched monster can serve as an explanation. He hopes to meet a wonderful princess who will disenchant, awaken his soul and finally turn him into a prince.

Career, studies, business – many accomplishments in a man’s life really occur under the influence of a woman. “In modern society, the boundaries between the typically feminine and typically masculine are generally shifted,” emphasizes Yulia Kazakevich. — Men are increasingly implementing the female style of behavior. Strength, pressure, uncompromisingness ceased to be their only weapon.

Honesty, reliability in relationships, openness, sensual intimacy – this is how most men today describe their own masculinity, according to a survey conducted in August 2007 in eight countries by psychologists at Indiana University (USA). And they dream of tenderness, understanding and the ability to listen, which their chosen one should have.

“So it seems that they dream of a princess, but they find a queen mother, a woman who is able to understand and protect them, while loving selflessly,” adds Yulia Kazakevich. “But unlike a mother, such a woman can be married!”

Well, times are changing, but the ideal for men is still the mother. It is she who forms the image of an ideal woman in the male mind, becoming either a role model or its complete opposite. In order to live his own life, to gain freedom and himself, a man needs to break away from his mother, learn to make choices and make decisions for himself. For many, this is a daunting task.

“When raising a son, a woman knows that one day he will leave her, having fallen in love with another woman,” recalls Yulia Kazakevich. But not all mothers are ready to accept this separation. Many of them raise their sons, unconsciously hoping that they will forever protect them from loneliness. For such sons, the maternal image remains the only and inimitable for a long time.

Dreams of omnipotence

The sure way to loneliness is the pursuit of an ideal that, as you know, does not exist. “Falling in love with a “princess”, young people idealize her,” explains Lev Khegai. “But, as soon as they realize that in front of them is a girl of flesh and blood, they often devalue this image, break off relationships and run away from her.”

Oleg agrees with this statement: “All my love stories end as quickly as they begin. I believe in love at first sight, I’m sure I can get to know the only woman I need. If, having met her, I feel that I am starting to fall in love with her, I immediately, as if in a pool with my head, plunge into these relationships and give them all of myself. But, alas, just as quickly I realize that I was mistaken: sometimes a trifle is enough for me to put an end to it.

Roman and Alexey also say that they believe in love at first sight. In their imagination, they easily draw idyllic pictures of their common future. So, Roman sees “family breakfasts with hot toast, coffee and a morning newspaper.” Alexey likes to think about the evenings, “when you can just be there without asking each other questions.” Everyday life without frills and wisdom is what these men dream of. But why do they run away after a few weeks?

“Their dreams are a nostalgia for experiencing a wonderful childhood feeling of their own omnipotence,” says psychoanalyst Bernard-Elie Torgeman. “They want real life to exactly repeat their infantile expectations. But the ideal they are so looking forward to meeting does not exist.

Their fairytale princess is nothing more than a reflection of their own desires, dreams of what they themselves would like to be and what they would like to experience. The imperfection of the real world reminds them of their own imperfection – they cannot accept it and break off the relationship. And they begin a new, sometimes endless, search for the ideal woman.

Lovers in love

To dream of an ideal life instead of living in reality is a temptation that is equally common to every man or woman.

“When we enter into a romantic relationship, we always take risks: there comes a point when the love passes,” recalls psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum. “Unconsciously, we associate this moment with the first deep disappointment that every child experiences when the mother ceases to be a constant presence in his life, depriving his image of an ideal halo.”

Some never manage to overcome this childhood pain in themselves. As adults, they live with constant fear that new relationships will also fall apart. And they quickly complete them themselves, instead of taking a step towards a partner and trying to see a real person behind a fabulous illusion, to recognize, understand and love him just like that.

“They are sure that the boundless happiness, the feeling of flight, excitement and joy, characteristic of the beginning of a relationship, should always be present,” explains Catherine Odiber. – As soon as the passion subsides, they break off relations and go in search of new ones, which will again give them the bright colors of life and the feeling of flight. Such men are in love with the state of love itself, with what it does to them.

To plunge into love, at least for a moment to be imbued with an exciting feeling, also means to get away from the complexities of the real world. To satisfy the pain of the very first parting and hide from the unconscious fear of eternal parting, that is, from the fear of death, is the goal of the enchanted princes. After all, fairytale princesses never get old. Which means they never die…