They live in perfect harmony for many years and do not even quarrel. Did they manage to find the secret of family happiness? Or do all ideal marital unions hide a lot of skeletons in closets? What “happy wives” really dream of and why they want to escape from the family routine so much, says journalist Iris Krasnov.
The hundreds of love stories I listened to while writing The Secret Lives Of Wives constantly remind me of the thin line that separates love and hate, as thin as an eggshell. I also know what it takes to stay married. Flying saucers, tears of loneliness, too much wine, and looking for old boyfriends on Facebook at 3am. Who stays in a marriage and who doesn’t is often not a matter of love or commitment. It’s a matter of endurance.
I am especially asked this question by young wives who are learning to deal with many things in their lives at the same time, moving from honeymoon to real-time relationships. It is no coincidence that the peak of divorce decisions falls on the first 2-3 years of marriage.
A new and rather significant part of those who ask me about this are women about 80 years old. That’s a hell of a long time to spend with one person.
Who stays in a marriage and who doesn’t is often not a matter of love or commitment. It’s a matter of endurance
While I was writing this book, I interviewed many women, including the wife of former US Vice President Al Gore, who left him after 40 years of marriage and who, as it turns out, is the envy of many of the remaining marriages. I’ve heard so many incredible stories that I’m probably not surprised by anything.
Adultery and triple alliances. A venerable wife at the age of 61, a husband a renowned surgeon who lectures all over the world, and their gardener. They are still together, like the couple where the husband managed to discover his new facets of sexuality in conversations with … the pastor. I can no longer be shocked by anything that goes on behind closed bedroom doors. This is not what shocks me – it surprises me how many apparently prosperous couples think about divorce, if not every week, then once a month for sure.
Yet most of them remain on this side of the thin shell. One such woman said that she “constantly asks herself questions, but has not yet despaired.” This continues for 25 years of her married life. There is no violence in their relationship. They have good sexual compatibility, and her husband is by no means a miser. She is saddened by something else: “I am tired. I’m tired of him. I want passion. But I stay with him out of inertia, I know that the new path is fraught with many unknowns.
Divorce decisions peak in the first 2-3 years of marriage
All these women who are hesitant to stay married have one thing in common. They don’t suffer in marriage for some serious reason. Living under the same roof with one person for a very long time, that’s what makes them lose strength. This is a small and monotonous daily work, routine (but at the same time stability) makes them think: “Is that all? I want more. I want adventure. I want change.”
Some marriages must surely break up if there is humiliation and violence in them. I’m just reminding those who were unexpectedly caught up with “true love” at the office cooler and are now ready for anything, about one thing. I tell them that this is a new love, and everything new sometime inevitably becomes old.
Marriages that undermine your self-confidence do not need to be artificially resuscitated. But boredom is not a good enough reason for divorce.
I want passion. But I stay with him by inertia, I know that the new path is fraught with many unknowns.
Those who managed to live together for many years did not ask themselves the question: “Is that all?” They knew they were in charge of their own happiness and had a close circle of friends to travel with, go shopping, and drink a bottle of wine. They did not expect that the husband would open the whole world to them and replace all the close people.
My husband and I raised four children and went through fire and water. And I know for sure that we would not have made it if it were not for my sister and close friends.
Weddings are wonderful. Brides seem to be the most beautiful and full of hope. But if you want to stay together, you need to learn to accept imperfection.
I know from those who have gone through a divorce that they discovered a lot of surprises while spending their days with new relatives and trying to build relationships with the children of new partners.
You cannot love your marriage all the time. But if you love him more than you hate him, even if it’s 51 to 49 percent, that’s better.than to start a new adventure with a stranger whose flaws you have yet to discover.
Iris Krasnoff is a professor of journalism at American University in Washington DC and a best-selling author on couples.