Contents
This is the secret of the happiest man in the world
Emotions
Meik Wiking, researcher on happiness, explains in “The art of creating memories” how to make your memory an ally to be happier
When you think about your life, what memories come to mind? They are happy? They are sad? Are they bittersweet? Are you nostalgic and you really don’t know how you feel? Bill Meik Wiking, director of the world’s first Happiness Research Institute, that nostalgia can act as a bank of happiness, capable of treasuring positive memories that we can turn to in times of need. But… is it possible to create new happy memories if they run out or wear out? Wiking proves yes in his book “The art of creating memories”, a handbook-oriented guide to creating rewarding moments and turning them into lasting positive memories.
In addition to this recently published work, Wiking is the author of the bestseller “Hygge” and at “Happiness”, a fictionalized story in which he talks about everything that defines the happiest people in the world.
As a researcher and happiness expert, Meik Wiking argues that happiness depends largely on the relationship with our past and memories we keep of him, as well as of our ability to build a positive story of life. We spoke to the one who was rated by “The Times” as the happiest man in the world.
Could you consider yourself the happiest man in the world?
Well, I am one of the candidates. Don’t I look like it? The problem is that when I speak English, which is not my native language, I have to concentrate a lot and he makes me sulk (he jokes). But since the people around me are happy, they are healthy; as I dedicate myself to something that is interesting and I also live in a peaceful place, with many opportunities for people… I feel happy. I have to admit that I have received very good cards in life, but of course I also have days when I feel frustrated, worried, angry … That is part of life, it is part of the human experience.
Why is it more common for some people to remember more the bad of what they have experienced with their partners, at work or with the family instead of remembering the good?
Part of this has to do with the fact that memory works like a muscle. The more you talk about a topic, the more you refer to it in every possible way, the more the neurons that make up memory work and the more they reinforce it. So if you talk all the time about unhappy things or if you continually think about the moments when you have been unhappy, you are somehow reinforcing those moments more. That is why it is important to talk about your happy experiences and the good times, and it is also important to refer often to the good memories because with this practice you can shape your brain and achieve both creating good memories and reinforcing the ones you have.
But some bad memories come to mind again and again, how can we avoid their influence?
I am hopeful that if we do not stop creating good memories, there will come a time when there is a equilibrium between the good and the bad. What we have to do to avoid the influence of bad is not to stop creating good memories. Never. And to achieve it we must pay attention when we are happy because attention is the basis of memory.
I am going to tell you an example. A few days ago a Polish lady I spoke with told me that when she was eight she had a special moment with her sister and mother. It was a beautiful moment and the three of them felt very happy. They were so happy that her mother looked into her eyes and said, “I hope you always remember this day.” Thirty years later she still remembers that day because her mother told her not to forget it. Mindfulness is a powerful tool. It is not about using it at all times because it would lose value (that is, we are not going to tell children or our loved ones all the time to never forget that moment), but it is important to do it from time to time.
You say that nostalgia can feed happiness, but some people think otherwise …
La nostalgia it is bittersweet because the enjoyment of having lived a happy situation or of having been in connection with others coexists with the sadness that that moment is over. This emotion has a complex spectrum. But what we have been able to verify is that those who are capable of recovering happy memories are much more satisfied with their lives. So yes I think happy memories can work like a happiness bank to which we can go when we are in low moments of spirit. I think yes, nostalgia can be seen as a positive.
Of the 8 ingredients for creating happy memories (doing something for the first time, experimenting with all five senses, paying attention to detail, engaging your emotions, capturing difficult moments, creating meaningful moments, sharing anecdotes, and externalizing memories), which one would you say? which is the most powerful?
La atención. It is the true base of memories. If we don’t pay attention, we will forget it. In second place I would place the first experiences or new experiences because it is easier to remember how new we live. It is also true that as we get older we have the feeling that everything is going very fast. When we are young we live everything more intensely, there are many more first experiences: the first kiss, the first love, the first job, the first day we become independent… But when we are 40 or 50 years old we live less first experiences day by day. When creating happy memories it is important to continue creating new experiences, because it is a way to stop the flow of time and create new memories.
What do you feel when people around you insist on remembering negative things?
That is something that can also influence your memories because they are always changing and do not have a rigid shape in the mind. When you think about something, the brain reconstructs the experience: you recreate how it smelled, how it sounded, how you felt when you saw it or touched it … Sometimes things can be added to that memory and that can change your feelings. That means that if I have had a concrete experience of something and another person has had a different experience of the same thing and tells me about it, the memory that I have may change. So if my family and friends remember things in a negative way, that surely can reshape the memory that I have.
Taste, sight, smell, touch, hearing … It proposes perceiving life with the five senses, but are they all at the same level? What would be the most powerful to evoke memories?
That depends on each person, of course. For some it will be taste, for others it will be the ear because they connect more with what the music evokes, for others it will be the smell… For example, for Andy Warhol, smell was the most important sense. I wore the same perfume for three months, changed it and wore it another three months and never wore it again, and so on. I had this kind of souvenir museum based on the odor. He said that he wanted to go back to the spring of ’92 and he smelled that perfume and that made those memories that he wanted to rescue come to his head. Therefore, that is something that differs greatly from one person to another. But what I do think is important is that let’s use the five senses both when we are creating those memories and when we recover them.
What can we do to help children make good memories?
The role of father or mother as souvenir architect It is important. One of the exercises that I propose in the book is what I usually do with my children. Once a year I see with them the photos that we have taken throughout the year and I tell them to choose or decide which are the best moments of the year. Then we print the photos and put them in an album and choose some to put in frames or on the wall.
I also suggest encouraging children to talk about their good memories too because that will help reinforce them.
Another exercise is that they can create their own treasure map of happiness at home (with your favorite corners) or in the city or even at your place or vacation spots. We can tell them to remember together the different parts of the city where they have had happy experiences and give them a name to remember that moment. We, for example, go every summer to an island in Denmark that has an official name, but we rename each of its corners. One is the fishing bay because there we live a special fishing moment.
In short, remembering those names that evoke those experiences will help us remember that happy moment we had there.
And how can you be happy in the present, without having to resort to memories?
I think the best universal suggestion I could give is that we are active, that we do something with others and that we are aware of it. Each one has to find their moment. For example, I feel that I am fully aware of what I am doing when I play tennis. I am focused on what I am doing and my head is silent, I am not thinking about what I have to do next or what I have done. Everyone has to find their own moment of action and awareness. Yes, being active, doing something with others and being aware of what you are doing are the three best suggestions I can give.
Is giving more happiness than receiving?
Yes, of course. We feel good when we are doing good. That “helping helps” concept works. We feel better when we do something for others. You just have to look, for example, in a tourist who after consulting a map feels lost and receives the person of someone who comes to guide him. The one who helps smiles more than the one who receives the help. But you can also appreciate it in people who commit to volunteer work. They feel more satisfied with their life in general because this work gives them another dimension to their identity and because this experience also reinforces their social relationships, which also bring happiness. There are many benefits derived from being a good person.
But, if you are a good person and you expect the same from others and you do not receive it, you can be unhappy …
Rather than expect others to do the same for you, what you can expect is that what you do is contagiousThat is, if you sow kindness, there will be more kindness in general and surely at some point that kindness will come back to you. It is true that it is not a transaction (It is not a “I give you, you give me”), but what is true is that if you put a good feeling into circulation, that good vibes will come back to you.
How do you study happiness?
The happiness research that Meik Wiking has worked on suggests that people feel happier with their lives if they tend to harbor a positive and nostalgic outlook. But currently, the relationship between health and happiness is also being studied, as the expert points out. “It is clear that we are less happy when we are sick, but we are also seeing that happiness can help people stay healthy,” he clarifies.
Other studies that are currently being carried out are focused on understanding how the objective and the subjective can be combined when talking about happiness. To do this, Wiking reveals that some of the questions asked have to do with how people feel about what they have or perceive. And it also studies how places impact the mood.
Currently the expert announces that a Museum of Happiness is being created in Copenhagen, which will open its doors in spring. “With the study of happiness, we have a lot of balls in the air and we keep juggling,” he jokes.