«This is an area where we are unique»

Psychologies : To what extent do the techniques from manuals on the technique of sex help us to improve in it?

Sophie Cadalen Sophie Cadalen: Of course, it sounds tempting: to become a good lover, you just need to master a certain technique. But I think that we must, on the contrary, learn to avoid general knowledge. If a person has been instilled with a set of “truths” in advance (such as “all men like fellatio” or “women love to be taken standing up”), this completely deprives him of the opportunity to know himself and know the other. It is better to forget all this information: common advice on how to achieve the highest pleasure will never lead to it. The sexuality of each of us is an area of ​​individual discoveries, inventions… and fears. The area where we are most unique and unlike anyone else. So we must take it for granted: we absolutely do not know what to do, what to say, we do not know what it looks like, we do not know where we are going and where we should really strive. And even though no one has ever been able to completely get rid of the cliches perceived from the outside, you need to listen to your own voice, the one and only, that which makes up our essence.

Why do we often not allow ourselves to hear this voice?

S.K. S.K.: Because we are afraid that it will turn out to be critical, that it will reveal to us a not very pleasant and even repulsive truth about ourselves. Or turn us into hot, mad animals. We are afraid to discover that our sexual desire violates the boundaries of the norm and does not correspond to our ideas about ourselves. It is because of this fear that many suppress their erotic fantasies, not daring to express them. But in fact, we should take a closer look at our secret dreams — because they contain our unconscious desires, hiding them from our consciousness so as not to «disturb» us. If a woman imagines being possessed by several men one after another, or a man imagines surrendering his partner to others, these fantasies should not be interpreted literally. Fantasizing about rape does not mean wanting to be raped — it is rather a passionate desire for penetration, the unbridled power of one body over another, which one does not have the courage to admit to oneself. By imagining cruel or immoral scenes in our fantasies, we are able to avoid direct confrontation with the harshness of our sexual impulse and at the same time give free rein to some of its elements.

But how to overcome this fear if it is unconscious?

S.K. S.K.: The first step is already to admit that we do not dare to do something. And then you can allow yourself to listen to your fears and identify them. Sexuality is the only area where it is impossible to cheat with yourself. It is useless to persuade yourself that you get pleasure when in fact it is not. If our body is closed, we can repeat to ourselves as much as we like that it is pleasant to have sex — this will not change anything. We need to be able to give up the omnipotence of the mind, from its control. And our erotic fantasies can help us with this: when we listen to them, our body opens up, fills with excitement, gradually becoming excited and surrendering to the power of desire. And finally, our body itself will guide us to the same extent as we guide it.

How much does successful (or unsuccessful) sex depend on the partner?

S.K. S.K.: First of all, let’s stop waiting for this good luck from another. Men complain: «She doesn’t want me.» Women reproach: «He does not know how to get down to business.» Enough of this passivity! «It would be nice if he …» — this reproach only speaks of our fear of expressing our «I want.» There is certainly a selfish desire in sex. It is very intimate — it is a quiet voice that says «I want», «I love», «I do not love.» Who asks: «now let’s» or «no, not like that» — a voice that cannot be compared with any other. That is why no learning from someone else’s experience is possible here.

But with some partners, we immediately get the feeling that everything has come together, everything is working out and there is nothing to learn …

S.K. S.K.: If we manage to hear ourselves, then, meeting with a new partner, we meet ourselves in a new way each time. Everything that we knew about ourselves before this meeting, it turns out, does not exhaust our capabilities and desires. For example, up to a certain point, we refused oral sex or any other form of affection, and with a new partner, this turns out to be organic. Sexuality always turns us to improvisation. We must accept that we do not know everything in advance, and be prepared to be surprised.

Are the difficulties that men and women have in sex different?

S.K. S.K.: Not. After all, we are talking about differences in our unconscious — it is the main difference between us and another person. And our unconscious is shaped in the parental pattern and goes beyond the physical and cultural characteristics that define male and female. How our parents lived their own sexuality affected ours. For example, despite the rather liberal attitude of modern society towards the sexual life of women, many of them still carry the inner prohibitions of their mothers: these prohibitions are transmitted from the unconscious to the unconscious. And they cannot be explained without reference to parental history. That is why the unconscious of each of us is unique and does not lend itself to any classification by sex and age. I am convinced of this in my clinical practice. Each patient at some session of psychoanalysis necessarily says: «I am not the same (not the same) as the others.» This is a turning point — when he, gradually getting rid of the stamps that have accumulated inside him, begins to perceive himself as a unique person.

If a woman has already understood how she can achieve pleasure, will she not reproduce the same sexual scenario?

S.K. S.K.: This is true for both women and men. Sexuality is such a vast ocean of ignorance that we grab and keep holding on to what «works.» However, each of our meetings in bed should not necessarily become another experiment. If both partners are happy, then everything is fine. But if there are signs of «numbness» of feelings, stagnation, one must try to find their causes in order to get rid of them. Sometimes a barely perceptible shift is enough for something new to happen — and the two again have a desire to make discoveries.