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Sexual life is an integral part of our existence. It should be satisfying and bring joy to partners. Meanwhile, for many of us, it is still a difficult topic that we do not want or are unable to talk about. We push it away from us, downplay it, and when asked directly, we say that we have no problems in this matter. What’s the truth?
Daniel is a handsome forty-something, father of two daughters. He works in a large bank, lives in a comfortable apartment in a big city, drives a luxury car. He has a beautiful and ambitious wife. When you look at their marriage from the side, it seems that everything is fine. They operate like an efficiently run enterprise. They share roles and tasks. Daniel makes the girls breakfast, drives them to school, picks up ballet and German twice a week, and does homework with them these days. She sets the dishwasher, cooks Sunday lunch, takes out the garbage, and goes out with the dog. Provides a decent living for the family. They can afford summer holidays abroad, and in winter they can ski in Zakopane. Perfect husband?
“If that were the case, I would be comfortable with myself and not get the idea that my wife obviously doesn’t love me since she doesn’t have sex with me,” says Daniel. – Our bedroom is a field of emotional games. It started to get worse after the girls were born. Now it happens that sometimes we don’t make love for weeks, and when it comes to intercourse, it feels like sex is being traded, traded. Something for something. I talked about this with my wife several times. No effect. She takes offense, claims that she is just tired or not feeling well, and a feeling of rejection grows in me. I know that we are moving away from each other, and friendship in a relationship is not enough for me – he says and admits that he is starting to look after pretty women more and more often. – I’m surrounded by them at work. They look into my eyes, they laugh at my jokes, I start flirting with them. I love my wife, I wouldn’t want to cheat on her, but I miss eroticism. More and more often, however, I think about whether I should go to a psychologist or sexologist, because I know that my wife will definitely not agree to family therapy – she confesses.
Sexual life of Poles
At the end of last year, after a 6-year break, another research was published by Professor Zbigniew Izdebski, the only Pole who is a permanent collaborator of the Scientific Institute for Research on Sex, Gender and Procreation. Kinsey at Indiana University in the USA, regarding the sexuality of Poles. They were carried out by TNS OBOP on a nationwide research sample, commissioned by Polpharma. The results are presented in two main sections: 15-49 years and 50-59 years. And although they will still require interpretation, it is already known that the age of sexual initiation in our country is gradually decreasing and amounts to – for men 18,1 years, and among women 18,7 years (for example, in 1997 it was 18,4 years). years for men and 19,3 years for women). Moreover, Poles declare that their average number of sexual partners in life is 4,28, and the average number of permanent relationships (lasting more than 6 months) – two, while the average length of a sexual act (from foreplay to the end of intercourse) is 28 minutes, and the length of sexual intercourse: 13,88 minutes. At the same time, it is known that 71% of Poles aged 15-49 have intercourse at least once a week, of which 43% of men and 38% of women twice or three times a week, and 5% of men and 4% of women every day.
Fifty years have passed
Although Maria is not a classic beauty, she has always had success with men. They paid her compliments, liked to be in her company, brought flowers, adored her. It did not change even when she married Michał, gave birth to children, and grandchildren appeared in the world. Today, this appetizing 55-year-old admits that the whole art of communing with men consists in skillfully expressing their needs, talking to them, creating a warm atmosphere and … constantly flirting. – I never cheated on my husband. I can’t see the world outside of them, but that doesn’t mean he has to know it – says Maria. – Men are conquerors. They like to be reminded of it. For almost thirty years of marriage, Michał tries to get me all the time and maybe that’s why our sex life is so successful. When the sons have left the house and started their families, things are even better. We are experiencing a second youth – he confesses. – Boredom, routine? There were, of course, as were fatigue, stress, predictability of behavior. And yet we managed to rebuild our sexuality. We talk in bed, we joke, we buy inspirational books, we watch movies. When I entered the menopause and sex stopped being as enjoyable as it used to be, I simply went to my gynecologist and asked for advice. I found out everything about HRT and, after consulting with an endocrinologist, decided to undergo treatment. It’s better, Maria admits and smiles happily.
Break the silence
During the menopause, a woman’s body begins to run out of hormones, mainly estrogen and progesterone. The menstrual cycles then become irregular, often profuse, clotting, and spotting appears between bleeds. The first symptoms of hormonal disorders usually appear 5 years before the menopause. What will we do about it? Usually nothing, unfortunately. We are only surprised why we suffer from frequent infections, since we observe hygiene, do not go to the swimming pool and we do not have intercourse very often. We blame age and think that it has to be that way. Meanwhile, the solution can be very simple – administering estrogen topically, for example.
– It is worth knowing that the symptoms associated with the lack of estrogen begin to gain strength over time – reports Jacek Tulimowski, gynecologist and obstetrician. – This results, among other things, in urinary incontinence and problems with sexual life. Estrogen is a hormone that acts on various mucous membranes: the vagina, cervix, bladder and urethra. When it is lacking, atrophic changes appear, i.e. atrophy of the mucosa of these organs. Patients then complain of vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, frequent vaginal and vulvar infections, recurrent cervical and bladder infections, and the onset of urinary incontinence. Despite this, women rarely come to the gynecologist with these topics – says the doctor.
Therefore, since 2008, the social campaign “Break the silence” has been launched all over the world, addressed both to doctors and their patients. It is based on the assumption that good communication between the doctor and the patient is the key to therapeutic success. It is estimated that 43% of the female population suffers from sexual disorders, but only every fourth patient seeks medical help.
It’s not the end of the world yet
Tadeusz recently celebrated his 65th birthday. He is still in good shape, rides a bike, works, looks after the house and garden. He feels like a strong, robust man, despite the fact that he has been suffering from diabetes and hypertension for several years. However, when asked about his sex life, he only shrugs indulgently. – At my age, erection problems are normal, but stressful – admits honestly Tadeusz. When a man “does not do well”, he feels inferior, almost disabled. It distances you from your partner, gives you a sense of shame, and discourages you from making any body contacts, she concludes. Has he been to the sexologist? – No, it’s not for me! Once I even wanted to buy Viagra online, but I talked about it with my diabetologist and he advised me not to do it. He recommended seeing a specialist, but what would I say to a sexologist? It does not make sense. I know that diabetes has a negative effect on the circulatory and nervous systems, hence erectile dysfunction. I can not help it. After all, you have diabetes for the rest of your life, she adds.
The role of a partner
When a man has erection problems, he usually moves away from his partner. Nevertheless, according to sexologists, she should persuade him to see a doctor. If the partner becomes irritable, avoids intercourse, or the frequency of sexual intercourse decreases, the woman should simply ask what is going on instead of worrying in advance, blaming herself, or suspecting cheating. – An understanding partner who understands the importance of the problem and will help a man to deal with it is half the success in treating erectile dysfunction – says sexologist Andrzej Depko.
– Men seek too little help from a doctor when they experience problems and difficulties in sexual life. It is still a difficult topic for them. The fact that over 33% of men in Poland look for information on the Internet shows that the respondents want to learn about their problems and solve them. Remember, however, that not all data posted on the web is reliable. Therefore, promoting the idea of sexual health is undoubtedly important for both doctors and patients themselves – appeals prof. Zbigniew Izdebski. The study “Sexuality of Poles 2011” shows, inter alia, that only 15,1% of men reported a problem of sexual health to a urologist or primary care physician (12,8%).
Happy ending
Tadeusz’s wife, Halina, finally persuaded him to visit a sexologist. It turned out that the problem was psychological. Tadeusz was so scared of diabetes that he decided to fight it by all means. So he read hundreds of pages about his illness. Erectile dysfunction as a consequence of the disease appeared even in scientific studies. After his first sexual failure, he decided that the problem also affected him. He believed in himself just as quickly. One successful intercourse was enough.
This year, under the Christmas tree, Maria gave her husband the book “52 seductions. One couple, one year. ” She bought it online, because it will not be available on the Polish market until spring. – I didn’t want to wait. It’s a great gift and Michał is an English teacher, so now he explains it to me in the evenings. We are already implementing some of the advice – for example, we have thrown all unnecessary and non-relaxation items from the bedroom. We make fantasies, write love letters to each other. After all, sex begins in the head, and the age of the partners has nothing to do with it. Only the body can limit us, jokes Maria.
Unfortunately, Daniel’s relationship is going through a serious crisis. – I gave up trying. We were together for only one visit to a psychologist. Then we had a terrible fight. I think more and more about how I imagine a happy life. I love my daughters, I don’t want our family to break up, but I enjoyed sex. I am not supposed to cultivate it for the rest of my life? – asks resigned Daniel.
The Decalogue of Femininity
How a woman should take care of her sexual health, advises Michał Lew-Starowicz, MD, PhD, expert of the Polish National Sexual Health Program, www.opzs.pl.
1. Let us express our needs – being able to meet sexual needs is one of the cornerstones of mental health. Therefore, let’s try to implement them in a conscious and unbiased manner.
2. Let’s talk to your partner – let’s not hide our problems from him and, conversely, ask him about his needs. An honest conversation about sex increases the feeling of closeness and allows you to diversify your sex life.
3. Let’s take care of our appearance – self-acceptance and good self-esteem are very important for a successful life. Beauty care and clothing also indicate our attitude towards a partner – a woman who cares about him cares for himself, thus maintaining the erotic bond.
4. Let us eat systematically and rationally– a healthy and properly balanced diet prevents cardiovascular diseases, has a positive effect on metabolism, hormonal balance, appearance and mood, and thus also on sexual health.
5. Let’s be active – both physically and professionally or socially. It is not a good idea to devote yourself to the home and children and leave your job, because from the point of view of health and psychosexual condition, it is best for these activities to be in balance.
6. Let’s take care of rest – holidays with a partner allow you to spend more time together, enjoy closeness in an atmosphere of rest and detachment from the stress of everyday life.
7. Remember about periodic examinations – a woman should visit a gynecologist at least once a year and undergo a smear test. Additionally, women in the perimenopausal age should regularly perform – according to the doctor’s recommendations – mammography or ultrasound of the breasts.
8. Let’s not be afraid of the doctor – it is better to start sexual dysfunction therapy before they cause permanent problems on the level of erotic bond and partner relationship.
9. Let’s overcome our shame – choosing a sexologist, do not be afraid that we will not be able to accurately describe the reason for the visit due to the lack of adequate knowledge about sex and vocabulary – the doctor will certainly help us determine the essence of the problem.
10. Remember: it can be cured – Medicine has made tremendous progress both
in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual disorders. Problems that have affected you or your partner can most likely be successfully solved.