They are (too) concerned about the success of their children!

The daily routine of the sixth-grader Yulia matches the working day of the minister. After school, the girl hurries home to have time to do her homework before the English tutor arrives (Monday, Thursday) or it’s time to run to the history circle (Wednesday, Saturday). Her parents (he is a surgeon, she is an auditor) return late, but they try to make time to check the lessons, and on the weekend they work on the topics for the next week.

Julia understands that mom and dad are closely following their studies for the sake of her own future, but sometimes she would like to spend a day “just like that”: play with a cat, go rollerblading or invite a friend to visit. But this rarely happens: even during the holidays, Yulia solves problems and writes exercises “to consolidate what has been learned.”

The cult of achievements

Many children begin to feel the pressure of parental anxieties and expectations long before the school bell calls them to first grade. “In kindergartens, there is no longer a unified program for preparing for school, the system of preschool education is practically lost,” says school psychologist Natalya Evsikova. “This gap is filled by numerous early aesthetic development schools and preparatory classes at prestigious schools.”

From early education, focused on the comprehensive development of the child, parents involuntarily expect early achievements. “But as a result of their persistent (inflated) expectations, children develop a sense of their own exclusivity, dependence on success, fear of defeat, and mistakes,” warns psychotherapist Albina Loktionova. “And since achievements are valued above all in modern society, many parents of schoolchildren continue to act in the same logic.”

In the context of continuous (and so far unpredictable results) changes in the school system, they are increasingly relying on additional classes – in circles, with tutors, in courses.

“The crisis and economic instability only feed their worries,” says Natalia Evsikova. “And parents are still (to the maximum) investing in their children’s studies and extracurricular activities.”

“That’s true,” admits George, the father of two sons aged XNUMX and XNUMX. — I understand that I press on the boys, but it’s for their own good. Of course, I feel sorry for waking them up at half past seven on weekends to go to tennis. But it will all pay off. They must understand that without perseverance in life you will not achieve anything.

The myth of the perfect child

The pursuit of social success is also spurred on by the attitude of many modern parents to the child as to some kind of ideal continuation of themselves.

“Even during pregnancy, the father and mother dream, make plans for life for the future baby, of course, wanting him to be the most beautiful and smartest,” explains Albina Loktionova. – Such fantasies also have a positive meaning, helping parents to “include” the expected child in their lives, to create a psychological space for him in the family. But then comes the time of real care for the child with his real traits and character traits.

“If parents almost do not see and do not take into account the true desires and interests of the child, the son or daughter falls on the impossible mission of the “ideal,” says psychologist Anna Prikhozhan, “the one who must correct, fulfill and realize everything that they dreamed of or that they failed. And adults perceive children’s successes and failures as their own (although this is far from the case!) And experience them especially painfully.

Between 46-year-old Elena, a university teacher, and her 15-year-old son, there are continuous battles: Slava, who has been fascinated by racing cars since childhood, hates his humanitarian lyceum and does not want to prepare for admission to law school. “I explained to him a thousand times that this way he will have more chances to break through in life! Elena is outraged. And he skips classes. When they call me to school, I just want to die of impotence and shame! Relations in the family are further complicated by the fact that Elena’s husband almost does not participate in the upbringing of the child. And that is why she would like to see her son strong, independent, perfect even more.

Necessary “idleness”

Such high stakes for success are not without consequences. Living according to the wishes of the parents excludes almost any manifestation of the desires of the child. How to get in touch with your inner world, when all the energy goes to the service of the desire of others? Children living under such pressure simply do not have time to think about who they are, what they love and what they would like to do. Giving space to a child means giving him the opportunity to connect with his desires.

“Children need activities that simply give pleasure, do not require “correct” performance,” says Anna Prikhozhan. “In moments of so-called doing nothing, they come into contact with their emotions and what oppresses them.” And being too busy can kill that part of themselves that they need to build their identity.

What happens when a child is no longer able to withstand adult pressure? His hands drop, he begins to feel worthless, a failure in everything, involuntarily coming to the conclusion that he, “so bad”, has nothing to love at all. Or, on the contrary, if things are going well at school, he can become an excellent student … and internally a very oppressed person. Like ten-year-old Anton, who checks his briefcase several times every evening and rereads his lessons to make sure he hasn’t forgotten anything. Any mark, except for five, upsets him to a nervous breakdown, to bitter tears. Actually, because of them, Anton and the mother of an excellent student turned to a psychologist for help.

Parents… or parents of the student?

With the beginning of the school year, many fathers and mothers turn into “student’s parents”, involuntarily starting to see only a schoolboy in a child. It is in this truncated perception of his personality that many parental “fads” originate.

“I myself was a straight A student and even went to school at less than six years old, because I could read well and count from four,” recalls 35-year-old Valentina, a genetic scientist. “I was strenuously seeking the same from my daughter Ali. I constantly thought about her grades and didn’t even realize that before I said “Hello!”, I rushed from the doorway to ask her about the lessons.

I did not notice that my daughter was suffering from such constant pressure. As a result, as the psychologist explained, Ali had big problems, she learned to read only by the second grade. Today, I gradually began to understand that she cannot, and should not, “write off” her life from mine, and that the world will not collapse if she remains an average student.

“I lived somewhere far away from my own life”

At home, 25-year-old Leonid has a diploma of a graduate of the Faculty of Economics. However, he rarely remembers him and often changes jobs. With one goal: to earn money for your hobby – traveling the world.

“If I were asked to tell about my childhood, I would probably not remember anything but the lessons. All some kind of control, mathematics circle, Olympiads … In the summer, my father, with a belt and a textbook, drove according to the program for a year in advance, my mother swallowed valerian on the eve of exams. Life for her consisted only in my assessments – at least that’s how I felt it. Frankly, I don’t know how I got through it all.

Goodbye, disco? I didn’t even think about it: there was no time, not before. And it was not easier at the institute. After defending my diploma, I realized: that’s it, now I’ll break. I then went to rest on Elbrus, met the climbing guys. You will not believe: for the first time I understood what real life is. My parents expected me to go to graduate school … but I didn’t go. Then we also went to Altai, climbed Ararat, were on Everest. I don’t know yet what I will do next. I feel like I need to catch up somehow. I just didn’t feel alive for a very long time.”