“There is no equality in sexuality!”

Psychologies: You say that gender equality can have some adverse effects…

Catherine Blanc: We are constantly called upon to consider men and women according to the same criteria. But this is impossible: a woman cannot perceive the world as a man, and a man as a woman! Each of us begins to explore the world with the study of his body. Of course, there are many similarities between a boy and a girl, but there is also an important difference — the physical signs of the sex.

And we feel this difference primarily bodily — the intellect has nothing to do with it. The discovery of our sexual “specialness” determines our behavior. It leads to the realization of who we are, and, accordingly, to the need to abandon the role that is not assigned to us by nature. It’s a painful rejection… especially for women.

Why is this rejection more difficult for women?

Because the female reproductive organs are not visible. In the fantasies of a little girl, the image of a “hole”, “wound”, “scar” appears. There is a doubt that she herself will be able to fill this cavity, that she has some kind of «object» worthy of interest. Deprived of the penis and the power that is associated with it in our unconscious, she feels devalued, feels her «inferiority».

Later, some women, armed with the power of their femininity, will begin to conquer men. Through their partner, they will unconsciously seek to «compensate» for the lack of masculinity and feel their power over a man through the desire that they arouse in him. Others, denying the fantasy of castration, will seek the power that men have in society and which these women see as a manifestation of masculinity.

By trying to act and behave exactly like men, they seem to prove that they are no different from them, which means that they should be recognized on an equal footing with them. These women painfully experience a collision with reality when it makes them remember their feminine essence.

If a woman is inspired by the male model of behavior in society, does she turn into a man in her love life?

Women never turn into men — neither in their love life, nor in their social life! They are only trying to convince themselves and others of this. And the more such a model is rooted in their psyche, the more the unconscious perceives it as necessary, the more difficult it is for a woman to open up, realize her femininity and enjoy it.

This applies to both power in society and legal freedoms, and sexuality. As a result, women begin to feel sad. Their relations with men become more complicated — after all, they make them understand that they do not belong to the male sex and that they, men, do not want them as such. Or that men are attracted to women precisely by those qualities that they are trying to suppress in themselves!

Do you hear this from the women who come to you for counseling?

Yes, many of my patients are confused and embarrassed by their «bifurcated» position. They are well aware of the desires of their body, but at the same time continue to act and communicate as if they were men. As if if they behave differently, they will sign their own weakness. However, their body insistently asks for male touches, their flesh craves penetration.

They suffer not only from a misunderstanding of others, but also from the fact that they themselves do not understand themselves. On the other hand, a man, in order to possess a woman, must dare to desire her strongly enough, powerfully and confidently. He needs to feel his legitimate power, and not engage in an endless duel with a woman.

Some men accept the challenge and in response demonstrate redoubled masculinity and even aggressiveness. Others refuse to fight because they prefer to maintain a kind, trusting relationship — and as a result, their behavior appears to be insufficiently courageous. So both men and women suffer — they cannot meet in any way, they cannot calmly and fully enjoy themselves and from the other.

So our attraction is fueled by sexual difference?

In essence, it feeds on the desire to make up for the dissatisfaction that each of us first felt in our earliest childhood, only when we were born. Then the sucking reflex helped to satisfy this vague need. Later, when the child is learning to walk and is proud of his progress, he needs the attention and support of adults — their approving look helps them grow, build themselves and judge their own worth.

The more clearly a person realizes who he is, the more free he becomes, the more clearly he delineates his own boundaries. And there comes a moment when he is forced to abandon the unconscious fantasy of his omnipotence. It is very difficult to admit this psychologically. But it is precisely the realization that we are not omnipotent that gives rise to curiosity in us, an interest in another person.

Thanks to others, we appreciate our own strengths, communication with them enriches us. In the personal history of each person, the desire for intimacy can turn into a joyful anticipation of the new, or, conversely, anxiety and a feeling of emptiness.

Some cannot recognize the fact of their uniqueness, their difference from other people. And vice versa. They seem to surround themselves with their own reflections, which distorts their view of themselves and others.

Anyone who seeks to see in another person only a repetition of himself, reduces him to his own projection, or else denies his essence and cannot fully be himself. Equality extinguishes desire. There is neither equality nor uniformity in sexuality.

And why is equality impossible in a married couple?

Because there is no equality! Where does this demand for equal rights come from? In essence, this is a claim to power — as if the female sex was subordinate to the male and suffered from this. Of course, history is full of examples of injustice towards women, but this speaks primarily of unconscious fears. Namely, about a man’s fear of a woman’s ability to receive pleasure and give birth to children; about a woman’s fear of scaring away the man she longs for…

Today our relations are more balanced, they have more justice. But fears, of course, still accompany them and are able to confuse the feelings of each and every one. But both men and women have always had their own, unique for each gender power, which in no way aims at either oppressing a partner or denying his essence.

Our sexual relationships and sexual fantasies are nothing but games of power: the power to receive or give pleasure to another, the power to heal, inspire, control, possess, surrender … Thus, a happy sexuality is made up of many combinations of forces of domination and submission — and in there is no malicious intent or coercion.

If there is no trust between partners, if one of them or both are shackled by their own fears, the couple’s sexuality develops according to a rigid, as if frozen pattern, manifests itself in a limited and monotonous way. And then one of the partners feels humiliated, rejected, subordinated.

But what role does our desire play in this power struggle?

Natural, clear desire reflects our strength. On the contrary, worried, anxious — speaks of our feeling of powerlessness. Lack of desire can also speak of impotence or, on the contrary, emphasize power over a partner: when one, leaving the other with nothing, causes him suffering.

Sexual coldness can also hide a desire that frightens us with what seems too strong, and therefore dangerous. The balance in a couple rests on an ever-changing balance of forces, among which unsatisfied desire often becomes the leader.

Each couple is built on the basis of the desires and fears of both. And even the difficulties that partners face, to a certain extent, strengthen their relationship. So in many cases, the lack of desire does not necessarily mean that two people do not love each other enough.