Contents
“There is a taboo around emotions that makes us avoid them”
Cristina Andrades, psychologist
The psychologist gives in ‘Take care of you’ the keys to connect with our emotions and be kinder to ourselves
To be well, in general, we often look for support and help outside, when the most important thing is within us. And, understanding how we are, and accepting and understanding the emotions we feel, no matter how uncomfortable they may be, are the key to feeling in top shape on an emotional level.
From this simple, effective idea that is very difficult to carry out, the psychologist Cristina Andrades publish ‘Take care of yourself’ (Vergara), a book that aims to help us understand why we feel what we feel and, from there we can work so that we are the ones who take care of ourselves. Self-care, self-esteem, self-concept … are becoming more hackneyed words, but no less important for that. The author gives the keys to be able to connect with what we have more inside, and thus, have a respectful look with ourselves.
Why is it hard for us to accept our emotions?
It is difficult for us because we are not used to even talking about the emotions that we badly call negative. They are completely necessary, like sadness or frustration, and we hide them many times. And if we hide them, or we do not feel comfortable when we listen to them from other people, the more difficult it is to recognize them in ourselves and accept them as such. This makes it very difficult for us to express them, communicate them. There is a taboo around it that makes us go to avoidance.
Do you think that sometimes we are not able to distinguish what emotion we are feeling?
It is difficult for us to distinguish it because there is little emotional education. It seems that when we talk about emotions it is always: I feel good, bad or regular, but we do not know the great world that there is of emotions to allow us to understand what is happening to us. Before understanding emotions, you have to know them. And if negative emotions are taboo, we have a part there that prevents us from recognizing and assuming them. There are three main points: identify emotions at a general level, talk about them normally; when they are part of our vocabulary, then we can recognize those emotions in us; then we can manage them.
If we don’t ‘bring out’ emotions, do we have a harder time processing them?
If we do not remove them, the management of emotions is disabled. An essential part of emotional management and regulation is expression. This doesn’t have to be just talking to someone, too can be the expression with a non-verbal language: cry, kick … you have to express it, either through writing, painting or music, for example. Once they are ‘out’ and I recognize them, I can know what is happening and I can establish regulatory strategies.
What is the difference between self-esteem and self-image?
Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves, a judgment about our worth or abilities, and self-image is how we perceive our image in the mirror, that body image that is what we call it. When I think of my body, what image do I have of myself?
Do you think that in the times we live in it is easier to have low self-esteem, because of social networks, advertising?
Yes, it is much easier, we live in a situation in which there is a very great ideal of what life and people are. For example in social networks, the use of filters indiscriminately, showing a positive part of life, that people are perfect and happy. The same thing happens with the image: if I see a beauty that only has a meaning, only one type of body and face is beautiful, and also this type of body is achieved through retouching and filters, which do not correspond to reality, my image will always be damaged.
So does it affect emotional self-esteem too? That everyone seems happy and I don’t …
Of course, if we are saying that self-esteem is what I think of myself: how I feel and I look, and when I value my life, and compare myself with what I see outside, which only show an unreality, I lose out. And in that, self-esteem is damaged: I am not enough, nor am I able to do things, I have to keep improving, and that makes us smaller.
Are you often confused about what is self-care?
Totally, we talk about self-care and we usually think about aesthetic care: I put on a mask, I take a relaxing bath, but in reality it is attending to our needs, knowing what I need if I feel bad: maybe I need to sit for a while on the sofa and relax. Well, that is self-care: attending to our needs and emotions without feeling that what we are doing is weak.
Why are we so demanding of ourselves?
We have learned that it is through demanding that things are achieved. Based on that education that we have received, because on a social level it is a message that is transmitted many times, from being tough, strong, having constancy, because this makes our own internal language very critical. At a social level, it is reinforced that we are demanding, as if that were the way to find ourselves better, or have good results, when rather the most compassionate voice is the one that will allow us to be well with ourselves, which is the most forgotten.
How can we work to have a little more empathy with ourselves?
It’s hard work, you have to develop a compassionate voice. It is not to eliminate the critical voice, but to lower the volume a little, so that these thoughts are not so present. To be able to make room for a kinder voice. At a simple level, the compassionate voice is,what would I say to a friend whom I love who is in my situation? This is a way for more compassionate phrases to begin to appear for ourselves. But it is a job that sometimes will need psychological help and from getting very close to first understanding what is inside of me and then establishing this voice.