Anorgasmia — when a woman is attracted, but does not reach the peak of pleasure — is not uncommon. Unlike frigidity, when there is no desire. But in both cases, the situation can be changed.
“I like to have sex, although I did not experience an orgasm and was even sure that “this is not for me,” says 28-year-old Kira. — Once we were talking with a friend about sex, and she suddenly said: «If he stays inside you long enough, then pleasure will definitely come.»
These words changed something in me. The next time during sex, for the first time, I was able to relax, did not control my movements, but completely surrendered to the sensations. And for the first time I experienced incomparable pleasure.
Fragile sexuality
A woman’s sexuality is physiologically and psychologically more complex than a man’s.
“Much depends not on bodily reactions, but primarily on the emotional state, which is influenced by the events of the past day, relationships with a partner, the phase of the menstrual cycle. In addition, the pleasure of a woman can be “prepared” by the expectation of a love meeting, a rush of passion even to a greater extent than by the sexual act itself, ”explains gynecologist Elena Egorova.
At the moment of proximity, the areas of the brain that control behavior turn off, and sexual desire increases.
“A woman’s life is enclosed in a single mental space, so most everyday situations are reflected in her libido,” confirms sexologist Irina Panyukova. “And even a minor misunderstanding, such as an offensive remark from a colleague, can unsettle you, not to mention the illness of a child or a conflict at work.”
It is impossible to localize the female orgasm at any particular point in the body or in the genitals. It originates in her brain, is felt throughout her being, and can even respond to the play of the imagination.
The strength of sexual desire is regulated by the work of the limbic brain, which controls emotions, instinctive behavior. At the moment of intimacy, the areas of the brain that control behavior turn off, and sexual desire increases.
It is extremely rare that erotic attraction is completely absent — in this case, sexologists talk about frigidity.
Much more often, women experience attraction and pleasure from sex, but do not always or never achieve orgasm. This may indicate anorgasmia. But if a woman reaches the peak of pleasure during masturbation, there is no talk of anorgasmia.
“The periodic lack of orgasm is completely natural,” explains sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. — And most young girls at the beginning of their sexual life rarely experience a vaginal orgasm. They are in search of their sexual scenarios, gain sensory experience and gradually get to know themselves better.
Anorgasmia lasts longer if it was caused by a betrayal of a partner. A woman ceases to trust him, which means she cannot open up at moments of physical intimacy.
Body as evidence
The inability to achieve orgasm for no apparent reason may indicate unresolved internal problems or reflect unconscious desires: to take revenge on a man for his deceit, to be like an ideal mother, or to remain childishly faithful to his father.
Sometimes women, without realizing it, forbid themselves to experience sensual sensations, blame themselves for any manifestation of their sexuality.
“As a rule, such women grew up in a Puritan family,” explains Irina Panyukova. — Parents punished them for innocent experiments with their own bodies or games in which children get to know each other’s anatomical features. As a result, having matured, they don’t really know their own body, they don’t know how to relax, to get sensual pleasure.”
Or they, like 27-year-old Olga, find it difficult to accept their femininity. “I always had complexes next to my younger sister, the beauty and favorite of my father,” she admits. “And I never learned how to use cosmetics, be interested in fashion, and in bed with a man I feel like just a thing.”
At the peak of pleasure, the female body produces oxytocin, the so-called hormone of tenderness and trust.
Others quite consciously refuse to play in sexual relations the role prescribed by traditions — to be a «vessel» for a man.
“It seems to me that if I experience an orgasm, I will become something that belongs to him,” says 36-year-old Alla. “During sex, I try to look at what is happening from the side, as a witness to someone else’s pleasure, but not a participant.”
“The process of excitation and discharge is more varied and individual in women than in men,” says Yevgeny Kashchenko. “They are capable of multiple orgasms and at the same time can enjoy sex without having an orgasm for years. Unlike men, the disappearance of orgasm often leads to loss of sexual desire and erection.
The benefits of enjoyment
“The female orgasm is a recent “discovery” of mankind: it is known that female great apes do not experience it,” says Yevgeny Kashchenko. “From the point of view of evolution, a woman’s experience of this highest point of pleasure is useless, because even without it she can conceive and bear a child.”
However, «reproductive intentions», as it turned out, can affect the achievement of orgasm. Psychologist Devendra Singh has proven that women who are planning a pregnancy experience an orgasm more often after their partner ejaculates, thereby retaining sperm in the body longer.
Orgasm, in addition, helps to build relationships with a partner. At the peak of pleasure, the female body produces oxytocin, the so-called hormone of tenderness and trust, due to which a feeling of affection arises. He strengthens the relationship by «pushing» the partners into each other’s arms.
Orgasm can be learned
In most cases, a woman simply does not have enough sexual experience. “That’s why it’s so important to study your own body, for example through masturbation,” adds Yevgeny Kashchenko. With experience, a woman is gradually freed from internal prohibitions, the influence of puritanical norms and excessive modesty.
Orgasm can be learned, just as you can learn to sing by developing your voice. But believing that every physical intimacy must necessarily end in an orgasm is the best way to turn off your sensuality. If the absence of an orgasm causes suffering, it is worth investigating why this is so.