There are no other people’s children: 10 tips for a potential stepmother, how to find a common language with someone else’s child

To make it a little easier, Rachelle Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother: How to Avoid Going Crazy and Enjoy Life in a New Family, shared ten tips every potential stepmother should know.

1. Have fun with your husband’s children.

They should become a joy, not a burden in your life. To build pleasant, trusting relationships, spend quality time with each of the children separately. Find common interests and activities, such as hobbies or sports. Friendships are easier when you are not carrying the burden of parental responsibility, but simply enjoying life together.

2. Allow your spouse to be actively involved in childcare.

If you are striving for a good relationship with your spouse and his children, do not automatically take on the role of head of the household. Of course, you can help the children in something, as you would for other family members, but over time you will become burdened with the need to fulfill all the responsibilities of motherhood, especially if you feel that you are not appreciated for it. You are not required to cook, wash and clean for them, even if you are sitting at home with your own biological children. These are your husband’s responsibilities. In most cases, stepmothers should act like babysitters or aunts, not parents.

3. Let your husband discipline his children.

In a second marriage, fathers should especially try to teach their children the right behavior. Most psychologists agree that it is the responsibility of fathers to maintain discipline. If you do this, you will cause negative feelings towards yourself. Many stepmothers complain that their partners, after divorce, cannot set boundaries for children’s behavior. They need to make it clear that if they do not show strength and firmness, then your life, his life and the life of his children will suffer.

4. Establish house rules.

To ensure mutual respect in the family, it is necessary to develop a set of rules that must be followed by everyone. If the children are old enough, they can also take part. Interestingly, children often impose stricter penalties for breaking the rules than their parents! When the rules are in place and everyone knows, you and your husband can support each other if a violation occurs, and the children understand that they cannot “divide and rule.”

5. Make a weekly date with your husband.

To be a satisfied stepmother and survive the stress of living in a new family, your relationship with your husband should be the top priority in his and your life (right after your wellbeing, which always comes first). Relaxing and having fun together strengthens your relationship and makes it easier to deal with potential crises.

6. Accept that your feelings for your husband’s children and their feelings for you are “good enough.”

Often stepmothers are under pressure from the belief that they should love other people’s children and that this love should be mutual. However, you will not be cute forcibly. If you love your husband’s children, that’s wonderful; if not, that’s okay too, provided you treat them with kindness, sympathy and respect. More is not required of you. If you stop asking yourself to love your husband’s children, it’s easier for you to just be nice to them, which can ultimately lead to love.

7. Show an example of good behavior.

The first task of stepmothers is to receive the husband’s children with warmth and sincere respect. Starting a new family starts with the foundation that you and your husband must lay as responsible adults. advises Cafe Mom.

8. Don’t take anything to heart.

Most stepmothers go out of their way to take care of their husband’s children. If their efforts are rejected, they feel intense pain. Children reject your attention for many reasons. Perhaps they believe that they already have two parents and the third is not needed. They may be afraid of hurting their mother by becoming intimate with you. Or they just have a different character and temperament that is not compatible with yours. In any case, you need to take it for granted for your personal emotional well-being and not take the fact that your husband’s children reject you as a personal insult.

9. Create your own holiday traditions.

Holidays can be especially painful for stepmothers who are not invited to weddings or Christmas even after many years of marriage. And invited stepmothers often feel like outsiders at family celebrations. If you feel fearful about some of the holidays approaching, then organize your own Thanksgiving or Easter, during which everything will be under your control.

As a stepmother, you have to take care of your own emotions first. To achieve happiness, you need to work hard and be willing to spend energy creating a meaningful life. To do this, you need to focus on what you want and take action to get it. Do not expect favors from nature (and from a new family)! Take them yourself!