There are no bad kids

1. Start with a predictable environment and realistic expectations

A familiar daily routine helps the child better understand what adults expect from him. This is the basis of discipline. Home is the perfect place for toddlers and preschoolers to spend most of the day. Of course, we should take them with us on walks and “business”, but remember that it is impossible to expect a three-year-old to be perfectly behaved during a dinner party, standing in a long line at the supermarket, or for long hours of clubs. and the various activities with which his parents filled his day.

Pass the tests

• What role do you play in the family?
• How much freedom are you willing to give your children?

2. Do not be afraid and do not take disobedience to heart

When preschoolers throw tantrums in my classroom, their parents often worry – is he spoiled? too aggressive? bullying other kids? If you, as a parent, express these kinds of fears, the child may unconsciously absorb them into himself and create a negative image of himself inside. At the very least, having found the weak spot of the parent, he will constantly “poke” at him, which only aggravates the relationship between the parent and the son or daughter. Instead of labeling your child’s actions, learn to calmly nip bad behavior in the bud. If a child throws a ball in your face, try not to get annoyed. He does not do this because he does not like you and not because he is a bad child. He asks you (in a way that a three-year-old can understand) to set the boundaries that he needs to feel safe and that you may not have drawn.

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3. Act like a leader

It takes practice to get the right tone for setting boundaries. Try to imagine that you are a successful leader of a large company, and your son or daughter is a subordinate who deeply respects you. He points out employees’ mistakes with confidence and authority. You will not hear questioning uncertain intonations from such a leader, he does not turn to emotions and does not break into a cry. It is important for a child to feel that his behavior does not piss us off and that we do not change the rules we have established on the spur of the moment. It gives him confidence when he sees how confidently and calmly we hold the helm and guide the ship of our family along the sea of ​​life.

Reading notation, emotional outbursts, contempt and punishment cannot give our three-year-old what he needs so much – clarity. Such parental behavior only provokes guilt and shame in him. A simple unflappable “I won’t let you do this. If you throw again, I have to take the ball” (at the same time you block the child’s attempt to throw the ball in the face again with your hands) is the best reaction. But react quickly, immediately. If the moment is missed, it’s already too late. Wait for the next one.

4. Speak in the first person

Many parents, with the advent of a newborn at home, get used to calling themselves “mommy” or “daddy.” As soon as the child begins to walk, it is time to leave this habit and move on to communication in the first person. This will help to establish an honest direct dialogue. Toddlers test boundaries with disobedience to clarify the rules for themselves. When I say “Mommy doesn’t want Emma to hit the dog” instead of “I don’t want you to hit the dog,” I’m not giving my daughter the opportunity to genuinely connect, which she needs.

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• Where do bad kids come from?

5. No “standing in the corner”

Control every step of the child, punish or try to have an honest dialogue from the very beginning? Believe me, the second approach is a thousand times more effective. If a three-year-old behaves badly in a public place, he or she is likely to be tired and lose control of himself because of this. The best thing to do in such a situation is to take the child in your arms and go home as soon as possible, even if he kicks and screams. To do so is to show respect for his feelings. If the tantrum occurs at home, the child should be helped by taking it to his room and being there with him, watching him so that he can roll on the floor and cry to his heart’s content until he regains his composure. This is not a punishment, but a loving response to the baby’s call for help.

6.Consequences

Children learn best when they see the direct consequences of their actions. This works much more effectively than “standing in the corner.” If the child throws food, lunch is over for today. If he refuses to dress, then we are not going to play in the park today. Such parental reactions appeal to the child’s sense of justice. He may still be angry (“Now we’re not going to the park!”), but he doesn’t feel manipulated or shamed.

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7. Don’t punish your baby for crying.

Children need rules of conduct, but their emotional reactions to the boundaries we set as parents need to be allowed and even encouraged. Preschool age, as a rule, is a time of turbulent, often contradictory experiences. It can be vital for children to vent anger, powerlessness, confusion, exhaustion, and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve drawn a line. Toddlers need to be sure that they can freely express their feelings and parents will not judge them for it. Maybe the baby will need a pillow in order to beat it properly – give him such an opportunity.

8. Unconditional love

To deprive a child of love as a punishment means to accustom him to the fact that our love and support can turn 180 degrees, evaporate due to his temporary bad behavior. How can a baby feel confident and safe in such a situation? A child who grows up in an atmosphere of “love on special terms” accumulates resentment, mistrust, guilt, shame and lack of self-confidence.

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9. Never hit a child

Nothing breaks the trust between you and a small child like physical abuse. Even if it’s about “lightly spanking”. It is impossible to “love” to hurt a child. Unfortunately, after being subjected to such treatment for years, the child learns to associate these two opposite concepts with each other. Research shows that many children who are spanked regularly at the age of three show pronounced aggressive behavior by the age of five.

Loving a child does not mean all the time to follow his lead, trying to please and by all means avoiding the struggle for power and finding out “who is in charge.” Saying “no” and not giving in can sometimes be so difficult, but you need to remember that refusal is healing for the child, he needs it.

Our children deserve to be treated with integrity by us, which will help them build honesty into their internal value system, understand what is good and what is bad, and develop the self-discipline needed to learn to respect others and do the right thing. to respect ourselves.

For details see блоге Janet Lansbury, Early Development and Young Families Support Specialist.