Most parents at some point face childhood whims. And if it is possible to negotiate with a child of school age, for example, with the help of a reward system, then what to do with preschool children is not clear. How to negotiate with the baby without threatening or succumbing to manipulation? Says a clinical psychologist.
“I don’t want and I won’t,” the child begins to speak from early childhood. And he does it so stubbornly that his parents give up soon enough. From hopelessness and exhaustion of nerves, we resort to threats: “I will punish”, “I will take away”. But are they of any use?
Indeed, the child may back down and go along with your demands. But at the same time, he will develop the following pattern of behavior: “As long as I have not been punished, you can do what you want”, “We must do it while no one is watching.” And it is more difficult to deal with such attitudes than with the initial “I don’t want to”.
Here are a few rules that will help you establish a dialogue with your child and not grow a manipulator out of him.
Enter the child’s play area
Play is an important part of a child’s life. Try using metaphors or game characters to explain why you need to do something this way and not otherwise.
Why is the good dad Carlo now turning into an evil Barmaley? «Because no one listens to him and he feels unloved.» At the same time, it is important to speak not for the child, as if he does not love dad, but for himself — to report what feelings his behavior causes in you.
Or another example: “If Harry Potter had not gone to bed on time (ate little, did not want to read, was not neat), he would never have been able to study at Hogwarts and defeat Voldemort.” It is equally important to hear the true motive of the child’s behavior — «you don’t have to go to Hogwarts tomorrow» — and discuss this topic together.
Don’t manipulate your feelings
Children under 6 years of age are not fully capable of manipulation. All they can do is copy the behavior of adults. Therefore, the way you behave now is how the child will behave, first of all with you.
Don’t play on:
- a feeling of fear — “Since you behave like this, I don’t love you anymore” or “I don’t communicate with you anymore”,
- guilt — “Of course, go on playing, you don’t care that I’m tired”,
- a sense of shame — “Look at Masha. Why can’t you be the same child? or when you scold a child in public.
It is to manipulation through shame that parents resort most often, although this method destroys the child’s psyche most of all. The consequences of such «upbringing» can be difficult to correct.
Stick to the rules
Parents complain that their children are trying to manipulate them — for example, when, having received a refusal, they start crying right in the store. But this is not manipulation to the fullest — just the fragile psyche of the baby is looking for a loophole to express feelings. He seems to say: «Mom, look how much I want it.»
To avoid an explosion of emotions, take the prohibitions seriously and think over the rules that will regulate them.
- Prohibitions must be clear Before you ban something, explain why you are doing it. For example, “you can’t play on the phone for a long time, because your eyes will hurt.”
- There shouldn’t be too many restrictions. — for every «can’t» there should be several other «possible». “Today you can’t play outside, but you can play with all the toys at home.”
- Prohibitions must always be respected — if you decide to brush your teeth in the morning, then it should be so. No “Mom, let’s not now, but brush our teeth in the evening?” it can not be. To break the ban, there must be a really good reason.
Look into yourself. Would you like to be punished the way you yourself do it in the heat of the moment? Children feel and absorb everything, so all your manipulations — no matter whether soft or hard — will eventually return to you like a boomerang, literally in a couple of years. Remember that at this stage, it is you who decides whether your child will be a manipulator or not.