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They are five, six, seven years old; they love each other – and do not hide it. They have everything “like adults” – of course, except for attraction. Parents should not worry: at the end of the oedipal period, their children acquire new attachments and learn other relationships.
Timur has such beautiful eyes, and of all the girls he chose me! – says six-year-old Yana. And he adds in a whisper: “We kiss on the cheek and walk hand in hand, and it’s very nice.” These two are inseparable. Friends? No, lovers! As if to confirm this, Timur hugs Yana tightly, and she looks at him with undisguised delight.
Timur and Yana, 5 and 6 years old
They are engaged in the studio of children’s creativity. Yana tries to behave decorously, like an adult. She is very proud of her friend: “I’m terribly glad that of all the girls he chose me.” Timur explains more specifically: “Yana is the most beautiful. She has blonde hair and slender legs. She is a great dancer and I have fun with her. One day we were playing restaurant and I realized that I really like her. She then loved another boy, but I said that she would still be with me. We walked, I wore gifts, and now we are together. They have many plans: they will live together, work, and, “although Yana likes cats more, and I like dogs, when we have our own apartment, we will get them all!” They sit side by side, embracing, without a shadow of embarrassment. There are not many boys in the studio, and Timur clearly understands the advantages of this position: “All the girls attack me. I chose Yana, but it turns out that the rest were left without a groom. So that they would not be offended, Yana and I decided that soon, so be it, we would all play together.
Like parents
Such young couples have always existed: in Russian cinema, one of them inspired the creators of the film “I ask Klava K to blame for my death.” (dir. N. Lebedev and E. Yasan, 1979). But at that time, decades ago, kindergarten love was more often secret and timid, a bright feeling seemed the exception to the rule. Today, starting from the age of three, our children in this sense do not cease to amaze us: it seems that they already know everything about love and behave like little adults. “Children sincerely believe that they understand well the meaning of the word “love,” says child psychologist Susanna Nanyan. “Beginning their acquaintance with the outside world, they meet posters on the streets depicting hugging men and women, they notice lovers kissing, they are seen on TV …” Is it any wonder that they are much more relaxed than their parents at the same age?
Four-year-old Roma knows that “dad and mom should kiss each other,” so a kiss on the lips is a necessary attribute of love. Having fallen in love, he seeks to master it in practice: “Spider-Man, when he was a man, he also kissed a lot. The main thing is to close your eyes and not slurp too much! Children try to reproduce what they saw and talk about it without hesitation. “Love is when you can kiss, like on TV,” Yana explains. “Although I’m not allowed to look, but I peep and I know everything.”
Tata and Gosha, 5 and 6 years old
Kindergarten teachers, parents, and other children know that they have a “special relationship”. When it comes to Tata, Gosha becomes very serious: “I really like Tata both for her beauty and for her soul. When we say goodbye, we always hug and kiss – this is our order. Sometimes we don’t even seem to play together, but I’m still pleased that she’s around.” They have to defend their right to be together before others: “Girls in the garden often call me a traitor because I play more with Gosha,” Tata admits. – And Gosha protects me from them: he tells everyone that I am not a traitor, but the best. Gosha is very good at coming up with all sorts of games, he is strong, dexterous and a little cunning – we are similar in this. I like that he is like that – it will always come in handy in life.
Promise of allegiance
They also know that “to love” also means “to protect and care for.” Gosha and Tata hold hands, Gosha makes sure that Tata does not fall when they ride down the hill. Zhenya remembers how her lover Vanya supported and pitied her when Zhenya was pushed hard by her girlfriend. At the thought that some boy might offend Marika, Tima, demonstrating his biceps, promises that he will “show them all!”.
Our children know that love also means caring: they give each other gifts, the boys are ready to bring a satchel and give a hand to help the girl get off the bus. They also understand that love is when you have to be faithful to each other, “to play and walk only together, and let others tease.” And of course, they know that to love is a must to make plans for a future life together. And everyone, without exception, talks about her, starting with the words “When we get married …”.
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Zhenya, 5 years old
“I have Vanya, smart, handsome, the tallest in the kindergarten, and he doesn’t speak much. He is different from other boys: they are hooligans, they play cars, and he plays dolls with me. He looked after me: for a whole month he put plasticine gifts in my locker. Once, in front of everyone, he confessed his love … He kissed me three times, but I never kissed him, because I’m shy. There is a locomotive slide in the garden, we hid behind it and kissed as a sign of love. But not everything in their relationship is so smooth, Zhenya admits and lowers her eyes. If you love, you have to suffer: “One girl stuck to Vanya, as if honey was on Vanya. He takes him away from me, and I drag him to me by the other hand … ”And Zhenya is sad from this, but she does not lose heart:“ We will have two children, and if two do not work out, then three can be. Let’s get a dog and a parrot. And every day he will give me flowers … “
Discovering another
The first love comes to children on the wave of aesthetic feelings, admiration for the beauty of another – this is what love differs from friendship for them. He is always “the most beautiful” for her, and she, of course, “the most-most” for him. “In adults, the feeling of love is also often associated at first with the experience of the beauty of another person – with the only difference that after this desire is born,” explains Susanna Nanyan. – A small child is not able to feel desire, he simply realizes that the other is not like himself, and this fascinates him, awakening his curiosity. When a boy tells a girl that he “adores” her, he chooses “adult” words to express a feeling that hardly resembles real, adult love, because it includes desire and attraction, sexual relations and mutual responsibility of partners.
Describing the feeling that binds two small children, children’s analyst Tatyana Shatunova prefers to talk not about love, but about “exceptional tenderness”, “strong affection and care.” The age of first falling in love falls just in time for the period of parting with the Oedipal complex: the child gradually moves away from his parents, entering into relationships with peers. The special feelings that he has for a child of the opposite sex form a new connection for him, which helps him to more easily survive this separation. “He seems to be proving to himself and his parents that he can love as adults love, that in order to be loved and love himself, he no longer needs to be a mommy’s baby,” adds psychoanalyst Christiane Olivier.
Falling in love also encourages him to continue his acquaintance with his own body, which is preparing for awakening, for future sexuality. “Starting from the age of three, children are really very interested in gender issues,” says child psychologist Daria Krymova. – They want to examine and touch the body of another – unlike his own, and therefore attracting his interest. Playing “doctor” or “dad and mom” gives them a great opportunity to learn anatomy – and that’s quite normal. So parents don’t have to worry when they catch their kids doing “stupid things” – these games are born out of natural curiosity and do not involve any risk, because until puberty a little boy is not able to feel sexual arousal. “Children calm down by touching their genitals, it gives them pleasure, but does not excite,” Susanna Nanyan emphasizes.
Five-year-old Anton does not even allow the thought of having a lover: “They always want to kiss and don’t want to play with anyone!” Such a position in no way speaks of his immaturity, emphasizes Christian Olivier: “On the contrary, it means that such a child is able to independently enter into social communication. He does not need the help of another child to leave the oedipal age.
Tima and Marika, 7 years old
They love stories about spies and superheroes, where there is love and always a happy ending. Tima knows exactly what a man should be like in order to win a lady of the heart: “I train, I have muscles to protect Marika. With girls, especially such beautiful ones, one must behave decently. I love to make her laugh, I want to do everything for her – carry heavy bags, open the door … “
But the lady of his heart is not so helpless: “Tima is very cheerful and brave, at home we play board games, and I win all the time. Sometimes he locks himself in the bathroom at home and does not come out for a long time, because he imagines himself to be Spider-Man, who can protect me. And I myself want to save the world and be a spy, but I didn’t tell him anything about it, because the girl must hide her secrets.
Joking or worried?
Many children are happy to tell the whole family that they have fallen in love. But parents are not always ready for this. “Some are shocked, others are worried, others prefer to joke about such a “funny” occasion, says Daria Krymova. – In fact, the experiences in this case are unfounded, and to make fun of a child means to deny his experiences, which he takes very seriously. Parents should show attention and delicacy, not to emphasize this topic, but also not to dismiss it.
There is no need to overprotect the tender feelings of children. “Parents can, at the request of their child, from time to time invite his friend or girlfriend to visit,” says Susanna Nanyan. – But it is hardly worth giving these relations “the official status of the bride and groom.” Otherwise, children may feel that they are simply obliged to spend the rest of their lives together!” After all, even if these young lovers fervently swear that they will definitely get married, they still have a little time to think about it … a little more.