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There is good, there is bad. There is right, there is wrong. It can, it can’t. Who decides? And why is it so important for us to divide the world into black and white? About this — a new anti-misanthropic «misanthropic column», which is commented on by psychologist Ilya Suslov.
I sincerely, with all my heart, envy people who always know exactly how to live. And how not to. I don’t know. I do not have a clear division into black and white. In any situation, I cannot take one side in any conflict.
Although before I could. For example, in my distant youth, I had a girlfriend who was abandoned by her husband with a newborn child — she went to her mistress. I really sympathized with my friend, sat with her at night, called with the child to her. And of course, I announced to her ex-husband — who had previously been my friend — a total boycott. Because — well, shame on you, it’s also impossible, scoundrel, bastard. She hated him with every fiber of her soul — not for nothing that she was a misanthrope.
It wasn’t until many years later that it dawned on me that this situation wasn’t black and white. Everything was not so clear. My friend was not a saint or a victim, and her husband was not a scoundrel. They both turned out to be too young for such responsibility, plus there are a billion more nuances somewhere that it makes no sense to describe now. It just so happened. Everyone has made their choice and lives with its consequences — in one form or another.
Or let’s take a worse example: serial killers. It would seem that everything is clear, how can you feel sorry for them? Pity those who tortured and tormented others? What if the others are children? In a nightmare, one cannot imagine what the victims went through. I understand that a huge number of people will hate me for the following lines, but I will still say: I sympathize with them. Serial killers, yes.
I can’t help but think about why they became like this, what chain of events led to this? Some of them were tortured as children, some were beaten, some were raped, some were locked in the basement for months. And I imagine these children — frightened, lonely, unhappy, not seeing a way out. Not hoping to survive or grow up. Those who have lost faith that someone can love them, that someone will hug them, press them to their chest and take pity on them.
Could they, with such an experience, grow up different, “normal”? I don’t know. And no one knows, although the argument “I also had a terrible childhood, but I don’t kill people” is quite popular. But all people are different. Some made it, some didn’t. Someone was beaten at home every day, and he became the kindest and most caring parent in the world. Some have grown into monsters. Created by another monster. Did these «monsters» really have a choice? I don’t know.
Here you can ask: do you think about those children (women, men, animals) who became victims of terrible crimes? I think. I think about everyone. And I don’t know how I would react if it was about my children, my siblings, my friends. I don’t know and I can’t know. And no one can.
The desire to divide everything into black and white hides the fear of being “wrong” and rejected by everyone.
Recently, everyone had a terrible incident on their lips — an accident that occurred through the fault of actor Mikhail Efremov. Here, too, it would seem that everything is clear: “And what surprises you, he is an alcoholic, he himself decided to drive, it’s like a premeditated murder.” Yes? Yes. And at the same time no.
Is the alcoholic responsible for his illness? “No one forces you to drink,” many will say. Doesn’t force. But how many possible circumstances that one way or another lead a person to a bottle? How many reasons can there be for any addiction? How adequate can be the decision of an addict to drive?
“He had to understand that he shouldn’t drive at all, never and never.” Truth? Had? Dependent person? Well, in an ideal world, that would be the case. Although in an ideal world such a situation would not arise at all.
There is a deeply rooted belief in society that alcoholics and drug addicts are “to blame themselves.” That in general everyone is to blame for themselves, whether it be a victim of rape or an alcoholic at the wheel. Their relatives are also to blame, of course — where did they look, why did they allow it? Everyone is to blame. Except for those who throw stones at them, of course.
Another recent example: the murder of a black man by a police officer in the United States. How many people are ready to maul a police officer? And how many people took the position “the victim was a repeat offender, he deserved it”… Deserved it? Seriously? And who decided it? Internet commentators who always live “by the rules”? Do not they take on a lot, deciding who deserves what?
Of course, each of us is responsible for our choice, whatever that choice may be. And then everyone lives with its consequences, whatever they may be — bitterness, guilt, despair, imprisonment.
But in the same way, we are responsible for how we respond to it. For who we are.
It seems to me extremely dangerous to take the position “this person is bad, but I will never be in his place.” Because — I repeat for the third time — no one knows this. Every now and then, without even noticing it, each of us finds himself in a situation that can cost someone his life or irreparably harm his health, psyche, family, career.
One can argue for a long time about who and what deserved and did not deserve, what is fair and what is not. But the truth is that our world is generally far from some ephemeral notions of justice. Because there is no black and no white.
And the desire to divide everything into black and white, to «drown» for some Higher Justice, it seems to me, hides a very strong fear under itself — to turn out to be «wrong» and rejected by everyone. Because it’s practically the same as being dead, but also aware of it. And for a person, any person, it can hardly be anything worse.
«Hatred has been the norm for thousands of years»
Black and white. And where are 50 shades of gray, not to mention all the other colors? Why do people tend to divide the world into just two colors, despite the fact that it is many-sided and many-sided, not to mention its multi-coloredness? There are 16,78 million different colors on mobile screens! I don’t even believe it.
And all because people are presented to us like this almost from the cradle.
Oh, these tales
It all starts in early childhood: in fairy tales, characters are often divided into unequivocally good and unequivocally evil, and the good always remain good, and the evil always remain evil. Have you met Baba Yaga or Kashchei who have picked up somewhere? And Ivan the Fool with Vasilisa the Beautiful, who have gone over to the dark side of power?
By the way, in Star Wars, the main characters are just more believably shown, who make a life-like path from good to bad and back. Let’s remember Anakin Skywalker: he became Darth Vader, having switched to the dark side of the force, and before his death he returned to goodness. I have the impression that Hollywood has been consulting with the leading experts of the American Psychoanalytic Association for a long time.
The work of fairy tales was continued by Soviet film propaganda, dividing it into whites and reds, Russians and fascists, ours and enemies. «He who is not with us is against us.» Adults who grew up on film propaganda then continue to maintain a polar attitude towards people — they teach children to judge more than to understand the motives of another and sympathize.
At meetings of party committees, it was common practice to publicly condemn a traitor in the family or a drunkard. Boards of shame and disgrace hung in institutions.
Teach in school
From the first grade, we absorbed that excellent students and diligent students are good, and losers, hooligans are bad. Some are usually supported and praised, while others are scolded, condemned, ridiculed. And always.
If suddenly a loser wrote a paper well, they don’t believe him and are convinced that he cheated, they put him in the first desk, where he, frightened, can no longer concentrate (because the limbic system has already worked for fear and turned off the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for mental processes). The child freezes and is not able to repeat his feat, and the teachers, grinning maliciously, rejoice that they have identified and taught the «liar» a lesson.
So one has to be known, and not to be (!) At school, underachieving before moving to another educational institution, where no one knows the young man. He gets a chance to show his best side.
Usually this happens by chance, unexpectedly for the student himself: it suddenly turns out that he understands the subject, writes papers well and begins to receive high marks, and most importantly, the approval and recognition of teachers and the respect of classmates, because now no one is bothered by a negative opinion about him.
This is reminiscent of the story of the reincarnation of the ugly duckling — a symbol of rejection due to being different from others, «correct», «good». It is almost impossible to do this within the same school — the stereotypical attitude of teachers and peers is so oppressive.
Therefore, it is so scary to be among the outsiders. After all, rejection is an extremely difficult condition that leads to depression, degradation, and even death.
This can be observed in our prison system: if you get there, then almost forever. Its task is to isolate and punish the criminal, and not to help reform, as in other countries with a more humanistic approach, for example, in Scandinavia.
«Eye for an eye»
Religion also makes a great contribution to the division of people into two camps: the righteous and sinners, angels and demons, Christ and Satan.
In many religions, in particular, in Christianity, love and mercy are preached to all people, even to enemies. Condemnation is considered a grave sin, and any person is taught to be treated with acceptance and always hope for his return to goodness, to God, until death itself.
But, unfortunately, many people remained under the influence of the Old Testament rule and tradition of condemning the sinner and throwing stones at him, not giving him a chance for correction. In the end, they did this with Christ himself, condemning him to death, shouting: “Crucify him!”, Although just a few days ago the same inhabitants of Jerusalem met him with honors, enthusiastically exclaiming: “Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord, King of Israel!” and lined the way with their clothes and palm branches.
Hate has been considered the norm for thousands of years, and, unfortunately, for some it is still true today. On the Internet, anyone can speak publicly, which was impossible until recently. Yesterday someone was admired, and today they are already stigmatizing for an unseemly act and demanding the maximum punishment. Only instead of stones, evil words are now flying at a person.
I wonder what the discussion of such cases on the Web would be like if you introduce such a rule: you can write a condemnation of another if you yourself have not done anything reprehensible in your life? This is what Christ did, saying to those who condemned the harlot: “Throw a stone at her, who is without sin!”… And everyone dispersed.
Or enter this option for comments: in order to write a negative phrase, you must first write a positive one, with an attempt to understand and explain the act.
Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
Disappointment
Why do people change their attitude so drastically towards someone who has done something asocial, and who has not personally done anything bad to them? It’s a matter of great disappointment. Most have a need to initially idealize someone. Having learned something negative about the subject of idealization, a person feels deceived and angry.
Idealization is an immature attitude towards a person. It is based on the children’s perception of parents, who are considered great, omniscient and omnipotent. As an illustration, we can cite the request of a five-year-old girl to her mother to turn off the rain.
Starting from about the age of seven, the process of deidealization starts, smoothly or quickly flowing into demonization, usually by the age of 10-15. As a result, the stage of normalization of the perception of mom or dad, with their advantages and disadvantages, should begin.
Unfortunately, this does not happen to everyone, and many continue to treat others like children and teenagers, first admiring someone, and then disappointing and cursing. If the integration of the images of the parents did not occur, then the person will treat himself in the same way, considering him good or bad. In most cases — good, and sometimes even excellent or even the best.
Falling down when you suddenly find out the truth about yourself hurts. Therefore, it is more profitable for many to remain in ignorance and denial, deceived by themselves and others.
Envy
Another reason for negative attitudes towards others is envy. In this case, people initially condemn the other who has what they do not have. And when he falls, they can both regret and gloat that finally «justice» has triumphed.
If the envious person suddenly becomes the owner of objects of envy, he can quickly begin to devalue and ridicule those from whose environment he came out. An example is pedestrians who hate and scold drivers who do not look ahead and do not see puddles. But as soon as they buy a car and drive, they immediately become angry at pedestrians who are slowly crossing the road.
Lack of empathy and low awareness
The last, in my opinion, reason for the unwillingness or inability to understand the motives of the behavior of another and sympathize with him consciously is the lack of the ability for empathy, which matures in the brain and psyche of adolescents at about 11-13 years old.
Unfortunately, this does not happen for everyone on time, and for some it does not happen at all. And then people judge by themselves, based on their life experience. The one who identifies with the condemned defends and regrets, the one who does not understand the motives of his behavior condemns and scolds.
There are highly educated intelligent people who, in principle, treat others peacefully, with the understanding that everything happens in life and a person can stumble or change his worldview.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said, «Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.» So we all have room to grow. Well, if the rest of your life is enough for this.
What else helps to look at the situation from both or different sides? My own experience, when I myself did something for which I once condemned others. The main thing is to notice it, track it, think it over and draw conclusions. Psychological practices help to increase awareness. In general, psychotherapy helps a person to mature to an adult responsible state, to complete the processes of growing up.
There is such a joke among psychologists: “If you were seen from a good side, don’t turn around.” It can be attributed to such concepts from Jungian psychology as Persona and Shadow. This is not good and bad, as many people think, but a facade and hidden that a person consciously or unconsciously does not want to show.
One of the tasks of therapy is to discover your shadow, analyze it and accept it. As a result, you can be more holistic about yourself and recognize all your parts. And this helps to see the other more holistically, without playing idealization-disappointment-demonization-hatred.
Is it possible to pity the criminals?
I will say a few words about the most terrible criminals, who, it would seem, can only be condemned. It’s about murderers, maniacs, or even worse — pedophiles. Well, how can this be understood? I will answer as a specialist — it’s a matter of illness. Mental illnesses.
After studying the causes of such pathologies, I changed my attitude towards such sick people and realized that now I understand the logic of the maniac’s actions and I can feel sorry for him. And after watching the 9th episode of «Empathy» from the 2nd season of the series «The Good Doctor», I’m sure many will be able to pity the criminal.
Nevertheless, such people have a place in prison, according to the law. It is also important to solve the problem of treating criminals with a penchant for pedophilia — psychological and medical methods, in order to ensure the safety of children after the release of the offender, because without treatment, the desire to rape children in such patients in most cases will remain.
For those who are interested in the reasons for the murder, I recommend watching episode 1 «Humility» from season 2 of the series House M.D. This is a story about a criminal sentenced to death for murder. Here are key quotes from the film that reflect the meaning of our topic:
- “Can you imagine that your whole life is judged by the worst deed? You killed four people, and it cancels out the fact that you … changed diapers and cooked your brother macaroni and cheese.
- «All our actions have a reason.»
- “The adrenal tumor generated intermittent adrenaline rushes, which apparently caused bouts of anger that pushed him to kill …”
- “Maybe we should let the killer go? Of course, this will infuriate all the other people with pheochromocytoma who have learned to control their outbursts of anger … «
- «Removing that tumor stopped the occasional adrenaline rush, but it won’t absolve him of responsibility.»
I am very glad that such a movie appears on the screens and helps to see the causes and motives of antisocial behavior, as well as the reverse side of the disease, and not just crimes for which you want to tear the rapist or murderer with your bare hands.
Little child inside the monster
In conclusion, I want to give an example about someone I hated since childhood. I believed that there could be no understanding or justification for Adolf Hitler’s crimes against humanity. But after reading Alice Miller’s book «In the beginning was education» it became clear why he became like that.
No, I have not changed my attitude towards him. But he was able to feel sorry for the little boy Adolf, who was bullied by his father, and who had many misfortunes as a child. Of course, there are people who have experienced much more suffering, and they did not become like that. It seems to me that the point is different — that such a mentally ill person ended up in power in a large European country in the middle of the XNUMXth century …
You can judge the act, not the person.
A particular action may be due to many factors and a combination of circumstances unknown to us. It is also very important to separate illness from a person, and in religion — sin. Distinguish between healthy and diseased parts of the psyche. And you can be angry at illness, sin, and not in general at the one who turned out to be their carrier.
In order to feel sorry for another, it is enough to see through the inadequate behavior of his inner child: a rebellious teenager or an offended toddler. Although it is available mainly to very kind and wise people or specialists.
And you need to be able to cool down and see the depth. And it’s very difficult. This does not always work out for him, despite 20 years of churching, 10 years of studying to be a psychologist, 6 years of psychotherapy 2-3 times a week and supervision, and 8 years of psychotherapeutic practice.
All love and a kind, conscious, integrated attitude towards people, with a desire to understand and accept the behavior of another. Judge not lest ye be judged!