Contents
Sex after a quarrel, mutual accusations, attempts to “remember” each other all past mistakes – how can these and other behaviors in conflicts affect relationships?
“I once worked with a married couple who… never fought,” recalls clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo. – Usually it is conflicts and disagreements that bring partners to the psychotherapist’s office – we are all different, and sometimes it’s normal to disagree with each other and even get annoyed with the other because of his behavior. But not in this case.”
The client confessed to Nimmo that she and her husband did not seem to live, but exist next to each other. There is absolutely no passion in the relationship, and it even seemed to the woman that “a small quarrel, at least some surge of emotions would not hurt.”
The case is not the most typical. Most of us at least occasionally quarrel with loved ones, and in particular with a partner – and this is normal. Conflicts help us speak out, hear the point of view of another, relieve stress and move on.
However, there is a big difference between healthy conflict and toxic conflict – the one that destroys us and harms relationships.
Experts believe that what matters is not so much what we fight about, but how we do it and what happens in between fights. Most of us tend to behave in one way or another in a conflict: some cry, some scream, some close down, some take a defensive position. And in this, again, there is nothing wrong – the main thing is that the conflict is eventually resolved, and we do not harm others with our behavior.
And yet there are several common scenarios that ultimately affect relationships in a family or couple.
1. You bring up the past
More precisely, in connection with the current conflict, you remind each other of all past sins. This means that even the slightest disagreement is enough to bring to light all the mistakes and misdeeds of each other.
Why it happens? Those wounds have not yet healed, or you do not know how to forgive at all. Be that as it may, it will not lead to anything good.
2. You make a molehill out of a fly
And from the minor misconduct of the other – global conclusions. For example, a partner did not unload the washing machine – and you immediately conclude that he is “completely irresponsible”, “you can’t ask him for anything”, and he doesn’t care about your requests.
Stop. Sometimes bed linen is just bed linen. Do not overuse words like “always”, “never” and “nothing” and try not to catastrophize or generalize.
3. You hit the sick
Basically – in those “places” in which the partner is especially vulnerable and with which he cannot do anything, for example, his figure or the structure of the psyche. And, perhaps, even win the argument – but at what cost?
4. You use sex as a weapon.
Do you have to “earn” sex with you? Or maybe you use it as a way to distract your partner from the subject of conversation? Both tactics are extremely toxic, and both, by the way, are resorted to not only by women, as many people think, but also by men.
In addition, sex after a quarrel, which is so often shown to us in the movies, is also not the healthiest pattern: in some couples, it comes to the point that, having practiced this several times, over time, the partners completely cease to be aroused without conflicts.
5. You unfairly blame your partner for everything.
Even if the partner is “to blame for everything”, shifting all the blame on him means harming the relationship, because they are always mutual responsibility. And it’s completely unfair to lash out at your loved one just because you’re having a bad day or you’re unhappy with your life in general.
How are things going with your couple? Do you notice the same repeating patterns? Share in the comments.
About the Author: Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist.