Is quiet everyday life enough for happiness — or do you need to find your calling? If yes, then how to calculate it? Unexpected answers of the Gestalt therapist.
Psychologies: How to find your purpose?
Olga Dolgopolova: You don’t have to look for it. This is what is meant for us before birth. Parents, their environment is already there when we are just about to be born. A prince born is always a prince — it is not his choice, but his position. Of course, the estate context has disappeared, but what remains in our lives is not determined by us. Let’s not confuse purpose with calling. A vocation is an inclination towards one thing or another. Since the life of most of us depends on employment, the vocation is most often associated with work. This is about how to discover what the soul lies to.
And how is it to be discovered?
Imagine yourself in this business: so I chose it, and how lazy I am in it, I start without much desire, I try to finish as quickly as possible? Or vice versa — it raises my energy, causes excitement, interest, I want to continue.
Does fate exist?
There is, if we understand it as a combination of circumstances that we did not order. There are four groups of factors. The first is biological: the type of nervous system is inherited and cannot be adjusted. This also includes injuries sustained at birth. The second is social factors: war or peacetime, hunger or satiety, what kind of education you can get. The third is events: the death of relatives, physical injuries (for example, someone got hit by a car) … And the fourth is parents. Mothers often come to me with a huge sense of guilt: “I harmed my child!” In this case, I remind you that it can be, but the influence of parents is in fourth place after biology, social and event factors.
But does it still happen that parents ruined our lives with their upbringing?
It happens. And there are two options for the development of events. Someone believes that the damage is irreparable, so bribes are smooth from me. And someone wants to figure out what this damage is, and we will investigate it: what needs were not satisfied, what was not enough. But not to punish our parents, but so that we can satisfy these needs ourselves.
Is it possible?
Maybe, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone. One of my clients complains that his parents didn’t listen to him, only gave instructions (do it!) or grades (you can’t do it!). And I ask him: tell me about yourself, about what you want, but he does not answer. And when I say: “I am now trying to give you what you lacked in childhood, this interest in you as a person,” he loses interest in our conversation. Energy returns only when he starts scolding his parents. I ask what kind of job he would like, he replies: “I can’t think about it. I think about the trauma my parents caused me!” So the transition from identifying the damage to fixing it can take a long time.
And when can we assume that it happened?
When we begin to organize our lives ourselves, choose with whom to communicate, find those who can communicate with us the way we like. But the most important thing is when we treat ourselves the way we like: we listen and hear ourselves, we respond to our needs.
There is also self-realization…
Self-realization is the process of recognizing one’s abilities, self-exploration, self-disclosure. This is the beginning. Then comes the next stage: we work to turn talents into reality. And it is different from the images that we imagine. It sounds great: I see myself as an artist, a psychotherapist. But here is an artist in a dirty robe, his hands are stained with paints, he is going to the open air, a heavy easel is over his shoulder, and the weather is not very … And the psychotherapist does not always sit in a beautiful office, talking with selected clients, but receives 15 people a day in the clinic, developing a client base, experience. Not everyone is ready for this. There is another option to find yourself — to get more and more education. For the sake of this, they take money from the family, do not see the children. As a result, plus a new profession and minus a family.
But is self-realization necessary for happiness?
It is impossible to answer for everyone. It’s very individual. Who has the strength for what? But among my clients there are those whom the thought of the need for self-realization makes unhappy. For example, a client is convinced that he needs a career in the military industry. But he is self-absorbed, unsociable. It’s character, you can’t change it, and the job has to be right for it. And the thought of the vocation that he came up with causes him shame and guilt. And this thought prevents him from accepting himself and discovering his reality. Another category of those whom self-realization can deprive of happiness are star workers.
What’s wrong with the stars?
The fact that they themselves and everyone around them are waiting for them to shine and make breakthroughs 24 hours a day. This destroys their personal life, there is no time left for it, as well as for rest. So the main virtue in self-realization is moderation and prudence. Any specialization, the choice of one main direction, threatens everyday life. A good example is athletes. Continuous training, there are no resources left for personal development. Outside of sports, they are helpless. The same with artists: rehearsals, tours. And if you also have your own theater, there are so many feelings, impressions, relationships that they overshadow everything!
But maybe they don’t need anything else?
Maybe if they have made their choice and this is already their fate, from which they cannot escape. They may suffer, but they are happy with such a life. They do not problematize it, they do not have an internal conflict: I live like this and do not want another. No internal conflict, no problem. If you are holistic, consistent, it’s great, whatever your life is. A woman from a mountainous region who does laundry, cooks, does not leave the house, she has no conflict, no desire for self-development — and that’s great! She is sincere, real, whole. She lives happily: she does what is important to her.
Is there an intermediate option?
Of course, this is what we call ordinary life. It is lived by those who were brought up in families where parents honestly went about their business, not attaching special importance to children. Children grow up good, but end up in a chronic, mild depression: they have a feeling that life passes unnoticed, nothing happens, and what they do, neither bad nor good, is normal.
Do they need to seek a calling?
No, you need to write your own history, become the authors of life. Do not change it drastically, but look: what can I do to make every week an event, so that it matters to me. This is the way to happiness — if everyone treats themselves as a therapist to a client: with interest in their personality, with respect for its uniqueness. Someone sacrifices everything for the sake of calling. And someone builds everyday life — and this is his most important achievement. It is important to discover your reality. It is simpler and quieter than calling.