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Looking for a partner today is like moving through a minefield, exploring new territory without a map and navigator, or trying to get from one wing of an unfamiliar house to another – at night, without a flashlight. But no matter how lost we feel at the same time, it is important to understand that we are all in the same boat, those around us also go through something similar.
Everyone has a past – experience, history, baggage. We have exes, and some of us have every reason not to trust people. Many people think in terms of “all men are like this” or “all women are like this” – and they have every right to do so.
But many cannot understand and accept that our counterparts also have history, baggage and experience. We presumptuously expect that by the time of the meeting with us, the partner will have time to work through all the injuries. And also we…
We try not to spend extra effort on finding a partner and personal life
So, at the last moment, we cancel the planned romantic date in the restaurant in order to spend a cozy evening together at Netflix, like an experienced married couple. Or we don’t write first.
Or we put our own convenience and comfort above feelings. Or we flee as soon as the “honeymoon” ends and the first difficulties begin, instead of working to overcome them, as was the case before.
And we ourselves do not like this approach to relationships, because they seem to get us for nothing, like a discounted product at the checkout in a supermarket, which is a sin not to grab. We feel “cheap”.
We may, in theory, want everything to be the same as before: old-fashioned courtship, long correspondence and languid preludes, but in practice we are not ready to waste time and energy again to find ourselves with a broken trough. And we choose to save ourselves and get off with a minimum of emotional costs.
And it turns out that we are no longer ready to go on a date to a restaurant on the other side of the city; a bar or cafe next to work or home will do for a meeting. We stop responding to messages and simply block the interlocutor if something in communication goes wrong. We treat others the way we would not want them to treat us. In addition, we…
We know how luck is important in finding a potential partner
During periods of loneliness, we often think, looking at couples in love: how lucky they are! most likely, they would have remained in the friend zone.
… But not ready to rely only on her
And, in general, we are doing the right thing – we do not sit still, we give chances to various Monicas and Chandlers, we study endless articles with advice on how to behave on dates, we watch Ted lectures on relationships, we ask friends to introduce us to a nice colleague and we turn to to a psychotherapist with a request to figure out why we are still not dating anyone.
And, it would seem, working on oneself will never hurt, but one must understand that neither it, nor the endless hours spent in the gym, guarantee that we will meet “the one”. Some people are really lucky in love, while others are not. This is not a reason to give up, but it is definitely worth remembering so that you do not consider yourself a loser or a loser who does not fall in love because of certain qualities or their absence.
Relationships are really important to most, but if failures on the personal front follow one after another, it may be worth switching your attention to something else – at least for a while.