Contents
The true nature of male infidelity: they seek more support than sex
Couple
Sociologist Alicia Walker discards in her latest book the topical and typical premises why men pursue extramarital affairs
Throughout history popular culture has portrayed men with a insatiable sex drive and difficulty resisting temptation. Somehow women were taught that “that’s what men are,” while men were taught that “that’s what they should be.” As a result, society projects the expectation that monogamy will be a kind of difficult struggle for men. However, recent research by Missouri State University professor and sociologist Dr. Alicia Walker reveals that a man’s decision to cheat is more strongly influenced by his “need for emotional connection and intimacy” than by his feelings. “Desire for sex.”
In her latest book, “Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation and Infidelity,” Dr. Walker interviews a sample of male infidels who carried out their extramarital affairs via the Ashley Madison platform to present the real reasons why the men had decided to give up on fidelity. A great majority of the men involved in her research explained to her that the motivations for their adventures were not based on that kind of endless sexual appetite that is part of the topics, but rather on the «desire for support, validation, and other emotional needs that his main partner did not satisfy.
One of the expert’s conclusions is that, although a man’s external association can certainly be sexual, its nature is much deeper and more significant than a simple physical encounter. “The men I spoke with explained to me that their wives do not lend them enough atención, they don’t show enough interest in their feelings and lack enthusiasm when it comes to having sex, ”reveals Dr. Walker. Even though they love their wife, these men see this disinterest in them, not only as a sexual partner but as a person, and they internalize it as ‘I’m not good enough’. Then, because they want to stay married, they outsource those unmet needs by finding a more interested third party who shows that enthusiasm and gives them the validation that they are not receiving at home, “he argues.
They are more interested in sex
The fact that a previous investigation was carried out with a sample of unfaithful women led Dr. Walker to find a change in expectations about why women and men have extramarital affairs. Thus, while the hombres are more motivated by the need to be appreciated, heard and recognized, The of they are more driven by sex and lack of orgasms In the home. Women report feeling highly emotionally supported by their spouse, but choose to outsource their physical needs, which go unanswered within their marriage. Although various men and women align on some of their motivations, most embody a narrative society that would not normally be assigned to them if we were to attend to the “platitudes.”
“We have developed gender misconceptions and assume that women cheat to find love and men to have sex,” says Dr. Walker. But their inquiries on this issue shed light on the true motivations. “This changes the script a bit and shows that most of the adventures of women have to do with sexual varietywhile men are careful to screen potential partners for the emotional stability they need. They are also more likely to be more monogamous with their external partner than women, and are generally opposed to the idea of an open marriage, “he says.
According to the research, men with unsatisfactory marriages did not choose to have an affair as the first step. In fact, the men involved in this study spent years addressing their concerns with their wife and asking how they could regain interest in them. “It’s a tough conversation to have when you feel like you’ve so disappointed your spouse,” says Dr. Walker. “These men told me that if they asked about it, their wife would probably say that she did not know why they felt that way or that she would even ignore it. At that time, men choose to find someone else who can repair their bruised ego, give them the care they want and allow them the opportunity to show that they are worthy of love and affection.