Fat and very fat women are increasingly declaring in public that they are proud of their forms. But in personal conversations, they share completely different emotions. Confessions and comments.
“From the billboards and from the windows of fashion stores, skinny poles stare at us, making themselves dizzy with a diet. We are always going from one extreme to another: too much or not enough. Here I am too strong, I am really too strong, otherwise I would not be here. Famous Belgian singer Moran is really strong1. For many years she remains in the musical firmament with her talent and XXL dresses. And this is among singers who are barely thicker than a microphone cord. “I feel beautiful on stage,” says Moran. “But life is different. I have always struggled with my weight. It’s worth gaining a few kilograms, and I’m worried: even a sense of humor does not help. ”
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Healing through self-hypnosis
But what about this song, in which she rebels against generally accepted norms? Is it a bluff? “A few years ago, I probably would not have dared to perform it. But when I dropped 20 kilos, everything changed. Now I feel good and, most importantly, calmed down about food. And when you feel free, it’s easier to decide to speak out against the imposed attitudes that have choked you.” It turns out that Moran lost weight and therefore became happier. What a blow to the myth of a woman proud of her size 50! Fortunately, the Belgian was replaced by the charming American Megan Trainor. 21 years old, laughing eyes and nearly a billion YouTube clips of her showing off her curvaceous figure while singing about how great it is to have that “twist that all the guys are looking for” without being a size 42.2. The girl calls herself a representative of the “full generation”, which rejects accepted standards. Or almost … In fact, Megan Trainor was not easy to come to terms with herself: in our time of social networks, where everyone strives to appear from the most favorable side, it is difficult to love yourself with such forms, she admitted to NBC3. Apparently, her songs with the leitmotif of the joy of being full are actually an attempt at healing through self-hypnosis.
Such ambiguous messages are characteristic of our time, which makes paradoxical demands on us. For example, “be free” – and at the same time, “obey the rules.” The same thing happens with our ideas about ourselves: on the one hand, we are called to love ourselves as we are. On the other hand, they impose a cult of harmony. Everyone is torn between personal ideals and the need to obey external criteria, which many ultimately perceive as their own. After all, following the accepted guidelines, it is easier to fit into the team and get joy from life. The thought continues by psychoanalyst Catherine Granjar, recalling that “our ideas about ourselves are built both “from the inside”, on our own attitudes towards food, femininity, harmony and family values, and at the same time “outside”, when we adapt to the ideas available in society. about the norm”4. The expert adds that “these areas are not isolated, since the models that are welcomed by society influence family ideals.” It is difficult to create a positive self-image if conventional models run counter to what we believe in ourselves…
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Between hate and empathy
Does this mean that it is impossible to be complete and enjoy it? “I know corpulent people who are actually good in their body. It gives them a sense of stability, reliability and security,” says psychologist Olga Dolgopolova. However, consent with oneself is necessary, but not enough: “It is also important to accept others. To get it in our society with strict beauty standards for overweight people is almost impossible. There is a very specific type of appearance that is considered correct and “successful”. International research and my observations show that obese people are less likely to be promoted. In addition, in my practice there were many cases when a client was loved and desired, but they were not going to associate the future with her, since a full partner turns out to be socially unacceptable. A man fears that such a wife in the eyes of others will be evidence of his failure and insolvency. Of course, this state of affairs causes a serious internal conflict in obese people. Many of them feel the need to climb the barricades, flaunting their forms. “This is a defensive, protest reaction that appears in all minorities who feel disadvantaged,” says Olga Dolgopolova.
And even those who have managed to accept themselves continue to fight for social recognition from the “non-fat”. After all, you can admire the energy and cheerfulness of plus size people, treat them with understanding and sympathy, but continue to do everything so that you yourself do not gain weight in any case. Catherine Granjard speaks of the mixed feeling of “empathy and hatred” that appears in relation to everything that does not fit into the norm. Why? “This is hatred born of fear. We all do not fit into the standards in some way, and we have to make efforts to meet the ideas of others about the norm, ”explains Olga Dolgopolova.
What to do? Perhaps the solution is to rebel against the norms, and visual images will help us here. BBW beauty pageants, plus size fashion shows and other endeavors that soften rigid beauty standards are essential for all of us. “If more acceptable types of beauty appear in society, we will all feel lighter and freer,” says Olga Dolgopolova. – The energy that goes into the desire to comply with the norms, we can direct in a creative direction. It will be easier for full people to accept themselves and fulfill themselves. Slim people will be less afraid of gaining weight. It will be easier for each of us to choose a partner, focusing not on the opinions of others, but on our feelings. Catherine Granjar is also convinced that the variety of types of beauty creates the ground for a healthier environment in society. To help fat people get rid of their ambivalent attitude towards themselves – in this she sees her task as a psychoanalyst. But in addition to experts, this role can also be taken on by friends, parents, loved ones … without turning a blind eye to the ambivalence of their own attitude towards fullness and agreeing not to judge or condemn the more “corpulent”.
1 Lyrics from the song “Too strong” (“Trop forte”) from the album Ouvre by the Belgian singer Claudine Luypaerts, performing under the pseudonym Maurane.
2 An excerpt from the song “All About That Bass” from the album Maghan Trainor (Maghan Trainor).
3 Learn more on the NBC website: nbc.com
4 Catherine Grangeard is the author of Understanding Completeness (Comprendre l’obésité, Albin Michel, 2012).