The trap of love: how to get out of an addictive relationship

— We’ve known each other for a long time. Occasionally we crossed paths at work, then it turned out that we had mutual friends. I saw that he liked me, I saw how he was looking at me, how his facial expression changed when we met …

I suspect that such a preamble will be followed by doubts: “Did he mean it or did it seem to me? ..” It is sad that the client does not trust herself so much and is afraid that she was mistaken.

— At first I didn’t pay much attention to him — I generally like a different type of man. Although, I will not hide, it was nice. And then he began to be interested in how I was doing, to help in some way, to make compliments. I got used to it, it began to seem that maybe something will come of it in the future. Find a better job and start making money. I still got used to a certain level, and he must understand that if he wants to be with me, he must comply.

Here it is. Entry point to the Karpman Triangle as a Chaser. I recognize familiar phrases: “Something will come out of him, for my sake he must change, because I …” I appreciated and decided everything for him.

— We started dating. At first everything was fine: he courted, gave gifts, wanted to spend all his free time with me. Sex, too, in principle, suited me — of course, it could have been better, but I hoped that over time he would learn to guess my desires. And then he started to disappear. He answered a direct question: they say, I demand something from him all the time, I am an egoist and he feels bad for me. We talked and decided that I would try to behave differently. And in the last weeks I’ve been trying, showing attention, caring, but everything is only getting worse. Except for one thing: I suddenly fell in love with having sex with him, I like the way he touches me, I even dream about it. Only now he has no time at all … And I constantly think about him, I really can’t work, I sleep badly, I cry. Sometimes I think that he is not at work, but is cheating on me with someone.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Yes, but he denies everything. He says it’s too much work, but everything is fine. And I can’t do without it. I think about him all the time, waiting for a call …

Why do you need love?

Why do we need love at all? It seemed like a simple question. But no. We all need different things in love. Care for one, admiration for another, support for the third, vivid emotions for the fourth, and so on. This is how we make up for the internal deficit, each our own. Answer yourself the question: “Why is it so unbearable for me if they don’t love me, how do I feel about this?”

My client, for example, felt like an ugly loser. From a man, she was waiting for confirmation of her significance, beauty and sexuality. And when he began to move away, I realized that she could not live without him. And sex suddenly became beautiful, and she moved from conditions and ultimatums to trying to earn his attention. His loss became for her tantamount to admitting she was a failure. It was as if she had forgotten a part of herself in him.

The mechanism and signs of love addiction

1. The desire to fill the internal deficit

This is the starting point of entry into addiction. If in a relationship you are looking for a way to make up for what you lack, you seek to take something from the other. You may find it difficult to figure out what you are looking for in another. There can be two explanations for this: either you happily love and are loved and do not plug your “holes” with others, or you need deeper work with a psychologist to find the answer. It is important to do this in order to find other ways to fill in and stop repeating the negative scenario.

2. Inequality of positions

In a relationship that develops into a love addiction, partners enter from one of three positions. The first is on top, when you evaluate how the other matches your greatness (Pursuer). The second is when the other seems unattainable to you, you feel that you constantly have to do something for him: help, solve problems, portray a good parent in order to earn love (Rescuer). Finally, a position from below is also possible: to be as convenient, useful, inconspicuous as possible, to sacrifice oneself and one’s interests for the sake of another (Sacrifice).

3. Dependence of the emotional state on the other

You are either in joyful anticipation of the meeting (choose clothes, imagine what you will say, how you will touch each other and make love), then you fall into despair when you are waiting for a call, message, date, and then you receive bad news: the meeting is postponed, you are given not the right gift, no time for sex and so on.

4. Aggression

You become so afraid of losing the relationship that not only do you not risk voicing your dissatisfaction with what is happening, but you also begin to hide anger and dissatisfaction from yourself. Irritation and aggression towards a partner do not disappear, but are only forced out, and you turn into a “double boiler”. Any phrase thrown by friends or relatives can provoke an explosion. The psychological defense mechanism “displacement” begins to work — you direct negative emotions to another.

5. Internal dialogues and the «pendulum»

They say that when evaluating a relationship, you need to rely on your feelings. Often it is. However, in an emotionally traumatic situation, feelings can lie to you, wrapping the truth in a beautiful wrapper. It looks like this: you once again did not wait for a call, you feel pain, resentment, anger and want to end the relationship. But the partner finally calls, and you decide that you need to be more tolerant, kinder. Surely he “really couldn’t this time, although he really wanted to.” You hear two opposing opinions and experience an internal conflict. Both voices lie to you, the truth is always in the middle.

6. Lack of self-interest

Almost all of us experience trouble at work or in relationships. And if there are hobbies and attachments in a person’s life, he can spend time with friends, do art or sports, devote time to hobbies. This is how sublimation works — a mechanism of the psyche that relieves internal stress by redirecting energy into creativity. If there are no such hobbies, a person has nothing to rely on, and he is faced with the need to immediately relieve pain with fast-acting remedies. In this case, eating disorders (bulimia or anorexia) often arise as a way to fill the hole formed inside or draw the attention of others to their experiences.

In particular, purposeful perfectionists suffer from anorexia, subconsciously using the symptom to preserve the family system.

What to do?

If you have found these signs in yourself, it’s time to pull yourself out of a destructive relationship. Since there are always different voices in your head and you have nothing to rely on, ideally contact a psychologist. If for some reason you cannot do this, remember at least that:

1. The most difficult thing is successive small steps. Do you know why most attempts to lose weight end in failure? Because you want to sharply, quickly, «everything at once.» Stop eating, go to the gym twice a day and then barely move around the apartment. The result, as a rule, is known: first — minus 7 kilograms, then — plus 15. It’s exactly the same here. I want it to immediately become easy and fun: to forget the «tormentor», to feel beautiful and desirable, to immediately meet the prince and live happily ever after with him. If you want to get to this state, get ready for a long journey, consisting of successive small steps.

2. It is important to learn how to be alone. The great Greta Garbo left cinema in the midst of fame with the words «I want to be alone.» Solitude differs from loneliness in that it is your choice and you have something to do on your own. And such people are very attractive! After leaving the cinema and until old age, Greta Garbo was attacked by crowds of fans and reporters. Ask yourself the question, what would you like to do on a two-week vacation all alone?

3. It’s time to forget the word «give». I often recommend dating sites to my clients. Why? Aren’t there other places to find partners? There are plenty of them: you can meet “the one” anywhere, from a convenience store to an airplane (this is not an exaggeration: I hear such stories all the time). But to do this with a frozen expression and a needy look is impossible.

Train first on the sites. You can not meet anyone and even post someone else’s photo on your profile. Your task is to learn how to attract others with an interesting dialogue. Do not wait for someone to write to you, tell you something or offer something, but become an interesting and proactive interlocutor. The criterion for the success of your “mission” is at least a few common topics and an invitation to a meeting (note that this did not follow because someone was attracted to your neckline, legs and lips).

What happens after the first attempts? You will immediately want to drop everything and go back to the beginning, like unlucky fitness lovers. For this, you need a personal trainer or psychologist. Or willpower: hold on — and you will soon see changes. Small at first, then more serious. For example, you will have more friends (you will learn to be interested in others), you will begin to hear and accept compliments, you will be approached on the street. At first, it’s just to ask about something, but this is also a sign of dynamics. It means that you are relaxed and want to approach you. Soon they will begin to actively get to know you, and the question of where and how to look for your love will no longer be in front of you.